BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

He pushed boundaries and kept pushing them, until he got what he wanted.
Your choice to give him another chance or not.

In terms of risk of pregnancy, I wouldn't worry about that.
But his lack of respect (to say the least) is a red flag.

You should get the morning after pill. And if you don't want to get pregnant you need to either ditch him or take responsibility for contraception yourself. Or this might happen again.

@Theworldishard

She explicitly said she didn't want him to finish without a condom on.

Do you believe that once consent is given once, it can be assumed forevermore even if explicitly retracted at some point?

Can you see how dangerous that logic is?

I know I have a problem with asserting myself in the moment.

And so does he.

What he's done is unforgivable. You're reacting the way you are because it was a violation. Your reaction is normal and understandable.

Also was it just today he was being coercive? Was it really your decision last night to not use a condom or was he putting you under pressure then as well?

He could be being all sweetness and light after the event maybe because he's shitting himself knowing he didn't get away with getting you to believe it's all your own fault.

It's three red flags. One for trying to persuade you this morning not to use a condom, one for going against your wishes and not using a condom, and one for trying to make out it didn't matter/was your fault.

@chickenslovechickens

These things happen, in the heat of the moment, he obviously was so into it, he couldn't stop before cuming.

Just get the morning after pill to avoid pregnancy if that's what you are worried about and then make sure you start with protection next time to avoid this problem again.

And he also warned her was going to cum..

the opportunity to either object or (maybe, depending on how you were positioned) pull away. You did neither, and apparently chose to let it happen.

Panicking and freezing is NOT choosing to let it happen

@Overreactionmaybe just wanted to put it out there. I read the first line if your op and wanted to say this.

When it comes to your own body you can never be overdramtic about anything.

You dont need to question this. No means no. Yes means yes. There doesnt need to be a timeline or consistency about it and for God sake woman you are allowed to change your mind about your own body!

What he is not allowed to do is not listen or respect that and decide for you.

OP I’m so sorry this happened.

Once you were sober, you didn’t consent to having unprotected sex. He made you do so. That’s rape. The law is very clear that consent to one kind of sex isn’t consent to whatever he feels like doing.

I’m so sorry.

Please end this relationship now, it is not going to go anywhere good. You might also benefit from having a conversation with a rape (or other) counsellor.

Please don’t listen to anyone who does victim blaming or tells you your signals were mixed. They were not. You are not to blame in any way for what he chose to do to you.

Suggest everybody watch the ‘tea’ video on consent on youtube, they show it at school but it’s clear a lot of people need a refresher.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=u7Nii5w2FaI

First thing you need to do is to go get a morning after pill (if you don't want to risk pregnancy) and then have a good think.
Maybe have a chat with your boyfriend about boundaries, and also see how he reacts with the subject. If he reacts the way you'd expect, then maybe its an issue you can work through.
I feel sometimes when it comes to relationships it can be so confusing if you get mixed messages (especially mid-sex), and you as a couple must navigate and agree on the issues of contraception and sex.
You decide your boundaries, and only you know if it was miscommunication or not. Go with your gut.

@chickenslovechickens "These things happen"?????

You mean rape?

Yes, unfortunately rape does happen, a lot. And it's vastly under-reported because of comments like yours.

"He was obviously so into it, he couldn't stop..." having unconsensual sex? Really? You're defending a rapist not being able to help himself from raping because he was enjoying himself??

Jesus wept, I hope you're not a parent and you're not raising your DC to believe that coercive, unconsensual sex is acceptable as long as the man is having fun, because that is just a hideous thought, whether you're parenting future rapists or future victims.

What does 'starting without one' mean? Literally him being inside you to begin with without one and then putting one on, or foreplay without one and then putting one on for penetration?

I really cannot believe how many male tape apologists are in a site for women, by women. Is it any wonder we cannot convict on rape, any wonder men can get away with murder by using the ‘she consented to rough sex’ defense when even WOMEN blame other women for the indefensible actions of men?

OP, your body is telling you all you need to know, we have gut reactions as a way of protecting ourselves. If I were in your shoes I would get the MAP and never see this man again. No explanation needed.

Male rape apologists

You are not over reacting.

You clearly stated you wanted to use a condom . He didn't listen to you and didn't show respect. He crossed a line and I would dump him for it.