Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

261 replies

Overreactionmaybe · 25/09/2021 21:37

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 26/09/2021 15:22

@LaBellina

He is really showing you his true colors now. If he would be truly remorseful for even a slight bit, he would offer to cover the costs. At the very least.

I am even cynical enough to think he didn’t offer to pay for it in case he’s worried you might report him to the police and they might view him paying for it as an admission of fault and thus proof that he did it without consent.

That's kind of what I thought :/ @LaBellina

I don't think they would view it as an admission though because men might do this after a condom breaks or some other reason. However, it would make the link between them stronger and might mean he has more explaining to do.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 26/09/2021 15:26

@Overreactionmaybe

I think if I had shouted at him to stop he would have done but in the moment I didn’t feel able to make a fuss. I have a real problem with not wanting to ‘ruin the moment’. He does have a bit of an issue with erectile dysfunction so I really try hard not to do anything that will put him off for next time. He would probably have lost his erection if we’d have stopped to put the condom on which might be another subconscious reason why I didn’t force the issue.
@Overreactionmaybe you are finding reasons to make this your fault. Stop it. You are not at fault no matter what the rape-apologists on here are suggesting about making it clearer etc.

The very fact you felt unable to day anything is a HUGE red flag.

You need to see this for what it is

You need to tell him what it is outright.

He raped you

He violates your body by ejaculating without a condom on when you had expressly asked him not to

He violates your trust

He has gaslight you

He is an abusive bastard

Do not minimise what he has done

Original poster
Overreactionmaybe · 26/09/2021 15:27

I don’t think he is thinking about the police and I have no intention of reporting him.

One condom broke and then the following week one came off. I think it was too small. We changed condom brand after that and it’s been fine since.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 26/09/2021 15:28

I also think it’s going to be very difficult to prove @EarthSight but that’s from our point of view as outsiders…what I mean is that he might be panicking and probably only thinks about how to stay out of legal trouble with complete disregard for the OP’s feelings Angry

PaperDolphin · 26/09/2021 15:30

What you have described is sexual assault - no wonder you are feeling how you are. I'm sorry this happened to you. X

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2021 15:31

Dump. And hiw dare he ask to visit today considering what he just did! What a pig. He clearly is not sorry or he would have given you time and space to decide if he could be forgiven. Instead he wants to minimise it and railroad you into thinking its not a big deal.

I'd never be able to trust him again. And rightly so. He did not have consent to do what he did. It was very clear this was the case.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/09/2021 16:04

A grown man in his 40’s has now not used a condom with you properly for varying reasons three times. Ive never had that happen once. Certainly not three times in such a short period of time.

Message him and tell him to transfer you the money. Then block him. Awful, awful man.

Original poster
Overreactionmaybe · 26/09/2021 16:16

Yes I’ve never had a contraceptive mishap in my life before. I think the first two were genuine mistakes. He’s only had one relationship before me (wife of 17 years) so probably wasn’t very experienced in condom use. But this was different. He knew how upset I was at having to take the MAP before and that I wanted to avoid it in future. And I’d said I regretted taking the risk the night before.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 26/09/2021 20:25

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

A grown man in his 40’s has now not used a condom with you properly for varying reasons three times. Ive never had that happen once. Certainly not three times in such a short period of time.

Message him and tell him to transfer you the money. Then block him. Awful, awful man.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn Yes, in the year she's been with him, there's been more than one mishap, which is very, very rare. Condoms don't just slip off either, unless they are too big for the man.
Porridgealert · 26/09/2021 20:46

@Overreactionmaybe. You have received a lot of differing opinions from posters but really only you know what happened and how it felt. No one can, or should, tell you what to do. That would be no different from a boyfriend telling you what to do. People on here might say they'd leave or they'd stay but they're not in your situation. We all like to think how we'd act under certain circumstances but it's amazing when an instance arises how things aren't quite so clear cut. Only you know what your relationship is like and whether it's worth giving it a second chance. If, however, he has, in your opinion, overstepped the mark, then there's always a risk he might do it again. Or he might not. Every relationship comes with a certain amount of risk.
From your posts you're concerned that you can't spot aberant behaviour. To be honest, that's always harder when you're involved with someone than not. You said that you didn't like to say no because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know how you have got to the position in life that his feelings are more important than yours. Intellectually you know they're not but your heart allows it to happen. I think that would be a good place to start. Learn how to say no, mean it and carry through.
Take some time for yourself and all the best.

Original poster
Overreactionmaybe · 26/09/2021 21:31

Thank you @Porridgealert. You’ve described it well. He’s contacted me again this evening saying that he is struggling and wants to speak or email me so he can tell me how he is feeling. Part of me feels guilty for saying no but then I’m angry with him expecting me to think about his feelings right now. I’m messaged back clearly listing the reasons why this is such a big deal to me.

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 26/09/2021 22:05

Good for you standing up for yourself. I dont want to say anything negative about him because I don't know him nor his intent. And none of that matters anyway. From your point of view there's only one person who is important and whose opinion matters. He can just wait til you're ready to deal with him. You can't change what happened. But you can take the trauma and upset it caused and use them to drive positive changes in your thought processes and behaviour. I have had several therapists in my time who've helped me look at myself and, trust me, it's hard work making changes to behaviours that you've taken your whole life to develop. You will slip from time to time. But I have found that the more often you say no, the easier it becomes. And strangely, the more other people respect you for it. It's not easy but it's very much worth it.

Catlover1970 · 26/09/2021 22:11

I think the poor guy got excited in the moment and forgot himself. He is very sorry and I think you should chalk it down to a mistake that he didn’t mean to make. Hope you are ok and can move on from it together xxx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/09/2021 22:13

@Catlover1970

I think the poor guy got excited in the moment and forgot himself. He is very sorry and I think you should chalk it down to a mistake that he didn’t mean to make. Hope you are ok and can move on from it together xxx
He didn't 'forget himself' he prioritised himself and his preference over a very clear boundary OP set and then repeated - not to finish inside her without a condom.

'The poor guy'? Really?!

He chose to ejaculate inside someone he knew didn't want him to ejaculate inside her. My god.

Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/09/2021 22:28

He told you he was going to cum. You also allowed him to begin without one.

She told him she didn't want to him to cum inside her without a condom. She even reiterated that.

He ignored it and she froze. She was shocked. Because he ignored her very clear boundary, which she had set and reiterated.

As for 'you allowed him to start...' you should know that 'I've started so I'll finish' is absolutely not an acceptable attitude towards consent. Fucking hell.

purpleneon · 26/09/2021 22:37

Separately, get yourself on some contraception! I feel like this story is the prelude to the other MN post of being "shocked" you are pregnant & being stuck with a msn who isn't fully committed to your baby or you (given that he can't respect simple boundaries...)

purpleneon · 26/09/2021 22:38

Sorry this happened to you though, really bad of him & hope he understands that!

Womaninthistown · 26/09/2021 22:41

@Overreactionmaybe

I’ve told him I got the MAP and had to pay £32. No offer to contribute. I know it’s not the main issue but given I had to cover it when he didn’t use a condom properly once before it’s really bothering me.
He’s not a good guy.

When someone shows you their true colours believe it first time.

Womaninthistown · 26/09/2021 22:43

@Catlover1970

I think the poor guy got excited in the moment and forgot himself. He is very sorry and I think you should chalk it down to a mistake that he didn’t mean to make. Hope you are ok and can move on from it together xxx
Please raise your standards.

Secondly, educate yourself on consent.

GCAcademic · 26/09/2021 22:46

He told you he was going to cum

How considerate of him. So, according to this thinking, if a rapist gives a running commentary of what he is about to do, it’s all good?

Cherrysoup · 26/09/2021 23:12

He’s contacted me again this evening saying that he is struggling and wants to speak or email me so he can tell me how he is feeling

What a twat. He wants to talk about HIS feelings? For real?? He is struggling? With what? Why should you care-at this point in time-how he’s feeling? Unbelievable.

VanGoSunflowers · 26/09/2021 23:18

OP, it wouldn’t matter if you’d let him do this 99 times and then on the 100th you’d said you didn’t want him to. Previous consent is not blanket consent. You have every right to feel the way you do.
Having said that, his behaviour afterwards was positive - if he had attacked you afterwards and not tried to see it from your side and not apologised, I’d be saying LTB… so for me, and this is only me, I could probably move past it.

However, I am a different person to you with a different history so if you feel you cannot move past it then that is totally your right.

Catlover1970 · 26/09/2021 23:25

@chickenslovechickens

These things happen, in the heat of the moment, he obviously was so into it, he couldn't stop before cuming.

Just get the morning after pill to avoid pregnancy if that's what you are worried about and then make sure you start with protection next time to avoid this problem again.

I totally agree. I’m sorry she is very upset though.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/09/2021 23:31

These things happen, in the heat of the moment, he obviously was so into it, he couldn't stop before cuming.

If a man is unable to maintain sexual boundaries clearly stated by his sexual partner, he should not be having sex at all.

You speak as if she should almost be flattered he prioritised cumming over her explicit wishes, that he was 'so into it' simply means he stopped thinking of her as a whole, equal being and just wanted to cum.

It's vile, a complete violation and if he can lose control to the extent he ignores previously stated sexual boundaries he should not be having sex.

Swipe left for the next trending thread