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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

261 replies

Overreactionmaybe · 25/09/2021 21:37

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 26/09/2021 09:50

He did say yesterday morning that he wasn’t thinking of me in the moment

Oh that's ok then!!!!

Phew!!!

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 09:54

Also, don't mistake his upset for him panicking, thinking there might be a chance you'll go to the police or start telling people about what happened. It's in his interest to do some damage control right now. Also, many people are sorry just after they've done something bad, but unfortunately, once that boundary has been crossed, it just makes it easier to cross other ones.

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 09:55

He did say yesterday morning that he wasn’t thinking of me in the moment

That’s how a rapist’s mindset works.
They don’t care about what they’re doing to you, it’s all about him getting his ‘fun’.
The fact that he shamelessly admits this makes me think he feels he actually uses this as a justification for what he’s done to you and the fact that he doesn’t respect that you need space and keeps pushing to meet you today confirms this for me. He’s not sorry for what he did, he’s sorry that you’re upset. Note the difference.

Original poster
Overreactionmaybe · 26/09/2021 10:05

111 are telling me I need to buy the MAP although when this happened last year I got completely different advice and was told it needed to be on prescription as I had to have double dose levonelle as the other one wasn’t suitable. Am going to have to have a right faff and expense in getting this sorted today. Better than an unwanted pregnancy I know but I’m so pissed off that his selfishness has caused me even more hassle to sort out.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 26/09/2021 10:08

And I bet he hasn’t even asked you if he could help you get the MAP.
He’s only concerned about meeting you for himself.

SortingItOut · 26/09/2021 10:12

I think he should send you the money for the MAP.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/09/2021 10:17

He wants to speak to you today to make sure you dont report him to the police. He is doing damage control.

Expect him to be quite insistent on meeting you. When he is you will know he gives no shits about your feelings or boundaries… again.

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 10:18

@CharlotteRose90

I agree you gave out mixed signals. If you wanted to use a condom then you should have said no and moved away when he said he wanted to start without one not let him carry on. Also when he said he was near to cumming you should have said pull out or moved . Blames on both sides here sorry. But automatically people will jump in and blame the guy etc call him a rapist it’s easy to blame one person but in reality you are both at fault.
@CharlotteRose90

The most inhibited thing I can think of to say about your post is that it's bullshit.

She had already told him what she wanted. She was clear, so when she saw he was disregarding that, she froze. Many women do. They may fight when it's a visceral attack and someone's trying to drag them off the street, but when it comes to someone they thought they could trust, they often freeze. In those few seconds or minutes, they have to process what's going and figure out the best way to react. Some of them can't because they're in such shock.

not let him carry on

'Not let him carry on'. Lol.

When a man has already shown he has already disregarded a woman's wishes, then how much of a 'no' do you think she actually had there?? It can happen so quickly that she barely has any time to process it. Many women freeze because that is easier to cope with than the visceral trauma of a struggle, of someone pinning them down to get what they want. Try saying no when you're naked, alone, and you have a man with you who is several times stronger than you who's already ignored your first boundary.

Not sure why I bother. If you don't have the empathy, imagination or the I.Q level to understand something intricate like this, God help you or any daughters you have who might be relying on you for advice or support.

Theworldishard · 26/09/2021 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Opentooffers · 26/09/2021 10:31

How about telling him that you don't now have time to meet up today as you will be busy sorting out the MAP ( ie the mess he's created). Then it's good to have an alternative reason to not see him as you have your DC's. Don't have to make an immediate decision, take time to think and process it. Also, consider why you feel it so necessary that you have a relationship, that you have put up with coersion and abuse in order to be in one? It's not a fair trade, don't compromise your boundaries just to keep a man. It is ok to be single, life goes on still ( and sex can still happen the way you want it).

Lweji · 26/09/2021 10:38

Rape is a crime, yet not one of you has suggested the police.

Rape crisis was advised.
The OP needs to process what happened first. She's not even fully ready to dump him.

But by calling it rape, it's a given that it's a crime.
Unfortunately we are all aware that rape convictions are incredibly low, particularly with partners. Pps here have shown why.
Does the OP want or need to go through the process of reporting it? Then court, if prosecuted?

Pps, and you, have already demonstrated how hard it would be for her.
So, thanks for undermining your own position.

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 10:39

@Porridgealert

I agree that consent can be withdrawn at any time. But the op didn't withdraw consent. She consented to him starting without and when he said he was going to cum, she didn't tell him to stop. So there was no withdrawal of consent. However, in the ops mind they had an agreement in place that he broke. I certainly don't think he's blameless but the op was aware of what was happening and could have said no. It's a far from ideal situation and it's up to the op to decide whether this has ruined their relationship or whether he's a decent guy who made a mistake on this occasion.
@Porridgealert Have you actually had sex with a man before?

There can be seconds between the time someone says they going to come, and when they actually do. In just seconds or minutes, a woman (who is physically weaker than the man she's having sex with) has to process so much information. She has to deal with feelings of confusion, horror, fear on top of figuring out what to do. In the moment they might feel overwhelmed or violated. Saying 'no' in that kind of situation is not always the most obvious thing to do.

Look at my above post regarding another poster who was victim blaming, because that response applies to you too.

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 10:45

@Theworldishard

For all you saying its rape (or 'effectively rape' as someone put it) why haven't you told the OP to go to the police?

Rape is a crime, yet not one of you has suggested the police.

Speaks volumes.

@Theworldishard Because for one thing, convictions stats are not very strong for rape.

I'm not sure how one would prosecute as I don't think there's any evidence. The main reason for going to the police here would be to give him a shake and just in case another woman comes forward go say the same thing in future so they could start building a robust case.

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 10:48

I really take my hat off to you @EarthSight.

Wish more people would advocate for victims like you do. Thank you.

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 10:53

@Theworldishard

For all you saying its rape (or 'effectively rape' as someone put it) why haven't you told the OP to go to the police?

Rape is a crime, yet not one of you has suggested the police.

Speaks volumes.

So if I follow your logic, any rape that wasn’t reported was not really a rape?

Have you ever thought of how traumatizing it is for victims to report it and then get victim blamed by people like you? Attitudes like yours plus low conviction rapes because it’s often a he said/ she said situation without witnesses or much fysical evidence make that many victims don’t go trough the trauma of reporting it. That does not mean they weren’t raped or that their trauma isn’t real.

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 10:54

I really wonder how many of the victim blaming posters here are (predatory) men.

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 10:57

@PurpleOkapi

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
@PurpleOkapi There's no real choice in that scenario. A woman has barely any time to think or process what's going on. The power dynamic is also completely off, considering that he's considerably physically stronger than her. A woman really has limited power to say 'no' when a man has already shown he's willing to cross an important boundary.

Also, what a fucking gentleman of him to announce that he was doing it first eh!!?

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 10:59

@LaBellina

I really wonder how many of the victim blaming posters here are (predatory) men.
@LaBellina Not all of them will be, but there are some men on MN who belong in the darker recesses of Redditt.
LaBellina · 26/09/2021 11:00

Definitely. Maybe the thought that a lot of women are women just makes me too sad to really believe it.

LaBellina · 26/09/2021 11:00

*that a lot of the posters are women

Marjoriedrawers · 26/09/2021 11:00

@Earthsight To be fair we don't know he is considerably physically stronger than her before we go down the route of assuming women are physically weaker than men.

mrsbitaly · 26/09/2021 11:01

He should have used the condom but obviously got lost in the moment and happened quickly. His behaviour isn't on but I think for any future interactions a condom must always be used rather than mid way through sex as you can still get pregnant via pre-ejaculatuon.

He sounds remorseful you just have to make it clear to him your boundaries and no changes to this agreement during sex

EarthSight · 26/09/2021 11:02

Thank you @LaBellina 💐

MzHz · 26/09/2021 11:06

I still don’t know what to do. I have a history of overlooking red flags and letting things go only for the man to dump me later down the line. This is my third relationship post divorce and I feel so embarrassed that I can’t make anything work long term.

I know others have said this too, but you are overlooking a massive red flag

Please don’t be embarrassed and don’t fall into the sink costs fallacy

It’s only a year, and it’s the point where you think about a life together seriously, you’ve not met his dc, good. That makes it a bit easier

You told him clearly and he ignored that. Overstepping your boundaries is one way to describe what he’s done. There are other ways to describe it too.

Don’t think this is anything to be embarrassed about, this is on him. At the very least he’s too stupid to be with you because he’s not comprehending a clearly expressed decision.

I binned someone after a year and yes it was hard, but he TOLD me how unimportant I was to him and I knew I deserved better

If you’ve been abused in the past, there’s a little chink of your armour missing and it acts as a beacon call to those who would exploit it

If you haven’t done the freedom programme please have a look at it - it’s free and online only atm, you can learn a lot about yourself in the process.

We too are here for you to sense Check stuff.

He needs to go. You know this. (((Hug)))

Original poster
Overreactionmaybe · 26/09/2021 11:06

I think if I had shouted at him to stop he would have done but in the moment I didn’t feel able to make a fuss. I have a real problem with not wanting to ‘ruin the moment’. He does have a bit of an issue with erectile dysfunction so I really try hard not to do anything that will put him off for next time. He would probably have lost his erection if we’d have stopped to put the condom on which might be another subconscious reason why I didn’t force the issue.

OP posts: