BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

@skodadoda

No, once a rapist always a rapist

I disagree. People do change - believe me, I know. Also, perhaps I’m a bit too old fashioned but I thought relationships were about more the just sex.
Some work on communication is needed here. 🤔

People do change - believe me, I know

Enlighten us. I'm curious as to what exactly inspired this comment @skodadoda

Op, did he transfer the money when he said he would? .

Yes he sent the money yesterday morning. I feel really petty asking but it’s a matter of principle… I’m still annoyed that he didn’t just automatically assume he should cover the cost.

Now you can block him and move on. Appalling man.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Now you can block him and move on. Appalling man.

I agree (Love the username by the way and highlights actually however much of a jerk he was to women he would never have done this)

@Naunet

Jesus Christ, this thread has made me feel sick, the amount of women falling over themselves to excuse this man is revolting. Even one idiot suggesting that men aren’t in general stronger than women - WTF? Feminism is nothing to do with denying reality 🙄

To the victim blaming, dick pandering, rape defenders on here: If you invited someone over to your house, and asked them to remove their shoes, but instead, they “got carried away” and kept their shoes on, treading mud all over your carpet, do you think you’d have a right to be pissed off, or would you think “aww, poor love got carried away”?

Or maybe you just think people have more right to expect their property to be treated with respect, than women should expect over their own bodies?

Nobody said men are not in general stronger than women. The term you misquoted was they are not by default stronger than women. I did not verbally abuse you by calling you an idiot. But as you've laid down that gauntlet yourself and are a bit too thick to read what was actually said rather than misquoting it, you're an idiot. Female athletes would probably think you're a bit of a dick too xx

You're disputing that the average man is stronger than the average woman?

@StMarysKettle

You're disputing that the average man is stronger than the average woman?

Trans women are.

Women? Unless they’re professional wrestlers or K1 fighters I highly doubt it.
My ex was shorter then me, my shoulders were broader then his, I definitely was bulkier then him but still he was a lot stronger then me simply because he is a man.

@StMarysKettle

You're disputing that the average man is stronger than the average woman?

No, I'm saying it's not a default position set in stone. Not all women are weak feeble creatures. Not all men are by default stronger than women.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better

And yet now you feel even more angry and upset and less guilty. Not just about what he did that evening, but about how he has behaved since.

“ Please let’s meet so I can tell you about my feelings and you can soothe them and make me feel better about sexually assaulting you. Because this is all about me me me “.

So sleep, distance and time has made you see things much more clearly, hasn’t it ?

I think you know deep down that this man is not right for you. You will never trust him again and you’d be right not to do so.

You'd think a forum mainly of women would balk at the idea of being thought the weaker sex by default as if it were set in concrete with no variations, yet here we have some women so brainwashed into believing that make driven myth that they even verbally abuse other women for suggesting it may not be that black and white. You couldn't make it up lol

I just think you're talking absolute bollocks and whatever stupid agenda you're trying to push doesn't belong on this thread.

Bore off.

In the vast, vast majority of cases men are physically stronger than women. That is a biological fact.

This is a bit rapey and I’d probably finish with him. However, just so you know you are at zero chance of getting pregnancy whilst on your period.

@Overreactionmaybe

Thank you *@Porridgealert*. You’ve described it well. He’s contacted me again this evening saying that he is struggling and wants to speak or email me so he can tell me how he is feeling. Part of me feels guilty for saying no but then I’m angry with him expecting me to think about his feelings right now. I’m messaged back clearly listing the reasons why this is such a big deal to me.

Still all about him, innit. HE is struggling. Poor lad. HE expects you to listen to his feelings.

Has he asked how YOU are feeling - even once?

I’m feeling very mean that I’m not reassuring him that it’s all forgotten.
Hmmmm. I don't like this.
He's got you all twisted up in knots about HIS feelings.
What about you?
Why would it be mean to 1) not forget & 2) NOT give him fucking reassurance?

'Sympathises with your feminist leanings', my arse.
This is classic sexism: man's feelings trumps woman's rights.

You shouldn't need to be explaining to him why this is a big deal.
Or minimise it by saying big deal "to me" - again, with the self-blaming. It's a big deal to anyone.

He has told you who he is. He's the man who said he "wasn't thinking of you in the moment". Believe him.
He is the man who has you buying into his excuse that because he has ED, the risk of losing his erection is more important than the risk of over-riding your consent.

Stop buying his argument.
Also - you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Where do you think this guilt is coming from?

Finally - I am sorry about your relationship history - it happens to too many of us. Have you looked into doing this? -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Please don't feel put off by the 'domestic violence' header.
The programme is about understanding the patterns of abusive behaviour, & learning how to spot & prevent future dysfunction or problematic behaviour - & how to avoid it.

This may also be a useful resource for you OP -
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I’m open mouthed at some of these responses! This man negotiated around (agreeing that he would wear a condom but wanting to start without one) his partner’s boundaries before completely trampling them! If he was aware he was close to coming he was aware enough to pull out or stop.

None of this is the ops fault, none of it.

Op I’m sorry and I hope you start to feel better soon. I see a man who pushes and tries to move your boundaries to place his needs/wants above yours. Whether deliberate or not, it’s incredibly selfish. You deserve better.

Gosh this is a depressing thread. However, OP you've done so well to process what has happened and assert some boundaries. I'm really sorry it's been so hard, and that so many men think their pleasure is more important than a woman's consent and physical safety.

And actually, really sorry so many commenters on here think the same thing.

Thanks all. I’m feeling much calmer and stronger now. I’m going to go back and re-read the thread and then decide what I am going to do.

Like fuck did she give mixed messages

It doesn't get much clearer than you may not orgasm inside me without a condom.

That is legally rape nowadays. You didn't consent to what he did- your consent was conditional on his wearing a condom.

I would dump him and maybe see the police (they won't do much but it'd then be on file if any other woman had issues with him in futurre.)

This is repulsive OP, so sorry you experienced this. I have too and it's shocking.

Well I’ve read the whole thread again … so many deleted posts… It was hard reading and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

I’m still so confused as I really thought this man was different. There’s lots of little things that annoyed me about him and he can be selfish in a just not thinking way but there really haven’t been the red flags I’ve had previously.

I still haven’t seen or spoken to him. It’s been texts only. He gone out of his way to help me with something for my DC and I need to communicate about that. But I feel anxious about seeing him face to face.

I think perhaps because the red flags previously were so large the smaller but still significant red flags this one has been showing havent been as obvious

If you are still feeling anxious about seeing him there is nothing left to do but end it

@Overreactionmaybe

If not strangers on the internet at least trust yourself op. Your gut is telling you this is wrong. Your reaction to what happened to you this was wrong. You reaching out on mns told you this was wrong. Dont put yourself in a vulnerable position again with another man op! There are KIND and HONEST men out there that will respect your boundaries. Please please dont settle for someone that wont. Dont just think "oh its just one time". Because that's one time too many.

Do yourself a favour and make sure you never see this man again

You owe him nothing.