BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

^none of that means you don’t get listened to

I know what you mean about “the moment” my abuser drummed this crap into me by berating me for it when he was hurting me and I was asking to stop

What’s happened to you isn’t a million miles away, you knew what you’d agree to and he ignored that

If you stop him and he loses his erection, that’s on him.

[quote Marjoriedrawers]@Earthsight To be fair we don't know he is considerably physically stronger than her before we go down the route of assuming women are physically weaker than men.[/quote]
@Marjoriedrawers 😂😂😂

And now I have entered the Twilight Zone.

No, of course we don't know that for sure in this situation, but there's a good - excellent probability that this is true, because women are physically weaker than men.

He would probably have lost his erection if we’d have stopped to put the condom on which might be another subconscious reason why I didn’t force the issue.

It is certainly one reason he should never have asked to start without one.
He knows you're doing your best to tiptoe around him because of his erection issues too. He knew he could push you into not stopping him. What a creep.

And that's a separate issue from the shock/freezing response which might happen to anyone.

Earthsight you'd make an awful feminist. Women are not physically weaker than men by default.

@Marjoriedrawers

Earthsight you'd make an awful feminist. Women are not physically weaker than men by default.

Can you expand on that?

Well in this case I’m sure he is stronger than me. He’s nearly a foot taller than me. But I wasn’t worried about being physically overpowered so much as his feelings. When he clearly didn’t have the same regard for my feelings.

@Lweji

Oh God bless you.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Copy & paste what I said, and go and post it on the Feminism/Women'sRights forum here on Mumsnet and see what they say.

I also meant to say, perhaps if he lost his erections a few times because he’s not respecting your wishes, perhaps he’d learn to do so…

In any case I personally wouldn’t see him again

He’s shown you who he is and how little your opinion/boundaries matter.

Don’t listen to the weeping and wailing, take him back and he’ll do it again - or worse.

No OP, that's a related but separate issue and I'm sorry if I derailed things a bit there. I was trying to speak more broadly as to other reasons why women don't say no in the moment.

No, I don't think he had much regard for you there. At the same time, you don't have to label your experiences if it's not right for you. Usually I try to give someone food for thought, or try to help them understand the mindset of an individual who could be very, very different to them.

I think it might be a good thing for you to have some time to process this and figure out if you can trust him after that. Personally, I think you need to have a break from him, at the very least. It doesn't have to be officially, but I would recommend not communicating or seeing him for a while.

Something peculiar happens sometimes where person a (who's been wronged or suffered from the actions of person b), seeks refuge and comfort in the arms of the very person who's hurt them. Although counterintuitive to some, is a natural response when someone is very confused and when they really need comfort from the place they're used to getting it - their partner. However, this can lead to some important things being overlooked. I think you need space from him to think about this objectively, and he, for whatever reasons, may not want to give you that space.

Sorry @Lweji , that post above was meant for the lovely @Marjoriedrawers

Please don't minimise your hurt and feelings by thinking that these things happen to women all the time so your hurt is somehow invalid. It does happen and we are fucking furious about it. Find your anger here, it will give you the energy to reassert your boundaries and set them out to your partner.

I'm sorry OP, what a distressing thing to happen. For me it would be a dealbreaker, yes. The fact that he is upset and wants you to pay attention to his feelings and reassure him just makes it worse tbh. I would be very angry and hurt. You were absolutely clear and he ignored you and did want he wanted despite your lack of consent.

He did say yesterday morning that he wasn’t thinking of me in the moment

The thing is, when you're having sex with someone you're supposed to be thinking of them in the moment. It's supposed to be sex with someone, being in the moment together. You're not supposed to be just using their body as an object to help you get off. I don't think he is alone among men in this kind of selfishness and entitlement, but it also doesn't sound like the kind of loving, mutually satisfactory sex that you would want with someone you were getting serious with.

LaBellina
"I really wonder how many of the victim blaming posters here are (predatory) men."

Maybe some but not all. There is a fuckton of internalised misogyny in the world.

"I think if I had shouted at him to stop he would have done but in the moment I didn’t feel able to make a fuss. I have a real problem with not wanting to ‘ruin the moment’. He does have a bit of an issue with erectile dysfunction so I really try hard not to do anything that will put him off for next time. He would probably have lost his erection if we’d have stopped to put the condom on which might be another subconscious reason why I didn’t force the issue."

Hmm. His cock's right to feel nice does not trump your right not to risk pregnancy. His ego's right not to be hurt by risking losing his erection does not trump your stated non consent to have him come inside you without a condom.

A bit of tiptoeing and ego cotton wool wrapping is all very well- but when your consent boundaries are shoved aside and you run a risk (albeit small) of unwanted pregnancy to do so... STOP THE BUS.

Here's the result of somebody whose gentle ego-handling went unappreciated:
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw8CYXhzTio

[quote EarthSight]@Lweji

Oh God bless you.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Copy & paste what I said, and go and post it on the Feminism/Women'sRights forum here on Mumsnet and see what they say.[/quote]
Actually, I want to see what you say, I.e. mean by what you said.

Ups, got pps mixed up too.

@Overreactionmaybe. If you're on your period, the likelihood of you getting pregnant is very, very small. It can happen but it is very rare. So although taking the MAP to be sure is a good idea, I don't think you have too much to worry about.

I’ve managed to get the MAP so practicalities dealt with. He wanted to get his ex to have the kids so we could meet but I’ve said he shouldn’t disrupt the kids’ plans (or his ex’s!) so I’m hoping he just turn up.

I’m wondering if there are any men who respect boundaries. This man seemed the exact opposite of my exes who were quite alpha but maybe they just hid their selfishness less.

*hoping he won’t just turn up I meant

I’m wondering if there are any men who respect boundaries. This man seemed the exact opposite of my exes who were quite alpha but maybe they just hid their selfishness less.

Yes there are good men that respect boundaries but unfortunately there are also a lot of bad ones out there. Don’t give up hope yet. I think you might benefit from some counseling so you feel stronger, more confident and you know you deserve better then this type of loser. I also recommend you to read the book ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you insights to help recognize abusive behavior and patterns and identify types of abusive men. And do the Freedom Programme.

I’m wondering if there are any men who respect boundaries. This man seemed the exact opposite of my exes who were quite alpha but maybe they just hid their selfishness less.

I promise you there are men who respect boundaries and wouldn't dream of doing this. I promise.

Your best chance of being with one of them is being kind to yourself by respecting your boundaries - you know that what he did was terrible, that he knew you didn't want him to finish inside you without a condom but he did it anyway because (as he himself said) he wasn't thinking about you.

He abused your trust, violated your physical boundaries and as you say you are someone with a history of ignoring red flags, I think it's important to start trusting your own instincts rather than batting them away or having them explained away by men (or the people on this thread who have been apologists, which has been incredibly disappointing to see) as this will only make you less sure of yourself.

Please don't think this is normal or acceptable behaviour from a man, it really isn't

I’ve told him I got the MAP and had to pay £32. No offer to contribute. I know it’s not the main issue but given I had to cover it when he didn’t use a condom properly once before it’s really bothering me.

He is really showing you his true colors now. If he would be truly remorseful for even a slight bit, he would offer to cover the costs. At the very least.

I am even cynical enough to think he didn’t offer to pay for it in case he’s worried you might report him to the police and they might view him paying for it as an admission of fault and thus proof that he did it without consent.

Hold on......'he didn't use a condom properly once before'.......what does that mean? :/

Condoms do break, but only rarely and usually it's because they are not a good fit for the man's penis, the woman is far to dry, or he's ramming in in like a machine.