BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

There are some truly revolting people on here determined to make the OP think this was her fault.

Time we changed the bar from rape being the woman fighting him off (because she did say no to him cumming without a condom, you arseholes know it and so does he) to consent meaning enthusiastic participation.

A woman freezing is not enthusiastically participating and a decent man would have immediately stopped and checked she was OK not think "oh great i've got away with it" and carried on until he had cum then half heartedly apologised later.

OP I’m one of the posters who commented about sorting better contraception earlier. I want to clarify that I am absolutely on the side of what he did was very wrong and I think choosing to dump him for ignoring your wishes would be very reasonable. From your post I assumed you were much younger actually. The advice to stop using the rhythm method because it makes you nervous was more about putting you in a stronger headspace to be able to assert your boundaries without wavering or looking like you could be persuaded. I don’t think you were giving mixed signals by the way. ´Don’t come inside me’ is pretty fucking clear. But now YOU are worried about whether you are being fair to him. Set yourself up so there’s no self doubt. It’s easier to set strict boundaries than it is to negotiate. You don’t have pur yourself through the process of explaining to a man that you’re ok with unprotected sex on day 3 of your cycle but day 5 makes you nervous and you’d rather use protection. And you certainly don’t have to entertain any negotiation whatsoever over whether or not your level of discomfort over that risk that day trumps his preference for unprotected sex. If it’s easier for YOU to say ‘condoms every time’ then do that.

He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one.

For me, a lot of it comes down to how this part of the conversation actually went and how clear you were that you didn’t want him to finish without a condom.

If you told him that you were happy to start without one but didn’t want him to come inside you, then he was absolutely 100% in the wrong for what he did and I think it would be considered rape.

If he says he wants to start without one, he's saying hell finish with one and acknowledging that she wants that.
It's not hard. There's no confusion or miscommunication.
What happened was a blatant push of boundaries followed by break of boundaries that both were aware of and both agreed on.

No wonder the rape conviction rate is so low.
I bet the same pps wouldn't excuse a house invader this much.

It would be a deal breaker for me. And I totally understand you about having sex in the past to save a man's feelings. You absolutely shouldn't feel bad for not reassuring him here. He has done something wrong to you.

And you didn't give out mixed signals. One night you said 'ok' to unprotected sex. The next you said 'start without but I want you to use a condom'. He's a grown man, he knows about the menstrual cycle and how fertility changes over the course of the month. This wasn't complicated or confusing.

I cannot believe there are still women with such a low ability to read the op, which clearly said she did NOT CONSENT to him ejeculating inside her, arguing that this poor man couldnt possibly have done anything else.

Those women who believe this rapist did nothing wrong need to stay away from giving advice to people. Stay away from giving your opinions too. You're all a fucking disgrace.

Op, cut contact with him.

I mean, it doesn't matter if you're 43 or 23, he shouldn't have done it regardless of risk. I just mean your reasoning was clear to understand so no confusion there.

You have nothing to feel guilty about your reaction is perfectly normal and fine for what happened to you. He pushed your boundaries to the extent that he broke them and technically raped you. Your role isn’t to reassure him or to tell him it’s ok because it isn’t
Take care of yourself you are allowed to feel the way you do
I wish we would stop with this idea that men have no control and get carried away and somehow cannot stop. He isn’t a teenager he is I assume a 40 something man who are every stage of this knee she said no and didn’t listen there wasn’t a point he shouldn’t have had enough control to put a condom on and he should never have tried to coerce her in the first place

This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. Not to mention it’s a fucking crime. You didn’t send mixed signals, and he clearly pressured you.
He is not safe to be around.

Get the morning after pill if you can. I’m so sorry he did this OP.

I’ve had some sleep so feel a little less fragile today. He’s continued to be very apologetic and is devastated he has upset me. He did say yesterday morning that he wasn’t thinking of me in the moment but has been really clear that it won’t happen again.

I was meant to be meeting his son today but that won’t be happening. I’m not in the right place and it’s not fair on his children to meet me if I’m going to disappear later.

I still don’t know what to do. I have a history of overlooking red flags and letting things go only for the man to dump me later down the line. This is my third relationship post divorce and I feel so embarrassed that I can’t make anything work long term.

As for the morning after pill I’m really torn. I feel humiliated having to ask for it as I had to take it twice at the end of last year for condom failure. It then messed my cycles up a bit and my periods got heavier. I’m just over 11 stone so can’t buy it over the counter either which complicates things. I can’t use any other contraception so am reliant on condoms. If it wasn’t for everyone saying take the MAP I would be thinking it was incredibly low risk (albeit a risk that I didn’t want to take)

OP you can order the morning after pill online to a different pharmacy and then got your "dp" to pick it up. That's the least he can do, especially if it was an earnest mistake.

Or you could just go collect it from a different pharmacy all together it's not like they're going to check your history.

Either way as you said yourself you have missed major red flags in the past and if this is the same thing happening the last thing you want is to potentionally have a baby with someone that may not be around or turns out to be horrible. I think in your shoes I'd feel alot more humiliated having a baby with someone like him than just getting a pill

"I still don’t know what to do. I have a history of overlooking red flags and letting things go only for the man to dump me later down the line. This is my third relationship post divorce and I feel so embarrassed that I can’t make anything work long term."

You end the relationship, and if you don't feel able to do that, tell him you want to take a break, or just step back and give yourself some space for a while.

You also get some counselling and/or do the Freedom Programme to work on your self esteem and boundaries.

This is another red flag 🚩
Don’t overlook it

@chickenslovechickens

These things happen, in the heat of the moment, he obviously was so into it, he couldn't stop before cuming.

Just get the morning after pill to avoid pregnancy if that's what you are worried about and then make sure you start with protection next time to avoid this problem again.

I’m sorry you are so upset :( sounds like this event triggered you. I would consider the above quote to be a really reasonable perspective if there have been no other red flags. Your previous traumas may be part of your reaction to this aswell. So be mindful of this and remember you have a right to set your boundaries and stick to them. It’s ok to say. Only with a condom. If he’s a good and safe guy. He might get frustrated but won’t push the issue.

Does he understand your past- he might need to be made aware so he can consider how his behaviour or needs might impact you.

Don’t be too hard on yourself and if this is a one off - don’t be to hard on him.you can both learn from this.

I hope you’re ok, OP. First of all, get some emergency contraception sorted today. Then dump your ‘boyfriend’. You deserve better.
At any point in the process of having sex, you’re entitled to say no, stop, etc. If you do decide to stay with him, make this very very clear.

I’m waiting for a call back from 111…

He’s texted saying he wants to meet today. I really don’t. But I know how upset he is too. I get my kids back from their dad tomorrow and they will be with me for the next 3 weeks. So there will be limited other opportunities to speak to him properly. I need to think about it…

@Overreactionmaybe

I’ve had some sleep so feel a little less fragile today. He’s continued to be very apologetic and is devastated he has upset me. He did say yesterday morning that he wasn’t thinking of me in the moment but has been really clear that it won’t happen again.

I was meant to be meeting his son today but that won’t be happening. I’m not in the right place and it’s not fair on his children to meet me if I’m going to disappear later.

I still don’t know what to do. I have a history of overlooking red flags and letting things go only for the man to dump me later down the line. This is my third relationship post divorce and I feel so embarrassed that I can’t make anything work long term.

As for the morning after pill I’m really torn. I feel humiliated having to ask for it as I had to take it twice at the end of last year for condom failure. It then messed my cycles up a bit and my periods got heavier. I’m just over 11 stone so can’t buy it over the counter either which complicates things. I can’t use any other contraception so am reliant on condoms. If it wasn’t for everyone saying take the MAP I would be thinking it was incredibly low risk (albeit a risk that I didn’t want to take)

Sounds so complicated. First, don’t be too hard on yourself about not having a long term relationship - there’s nothing wrong with having short term ones until you click with the right person. Stop seeing it as a failure. You’re right not to meet his kids at the moment. There’s plenty of time for that if you stay together. The chances of being pregnant are small, but not impossible. So you have 2 choices - get the MAP today, wait and see then have a termination if you’re pregnant or actually the third option is to continue with the pregnancy. Your choice.

@Overreactionmaybe

I’m waiting for a call back from 111…

He’s texted saying he wants to meet today. I really don’t. But I know how upset he is too. I get my kids back from their dad tomorrow and they will be with me for the next 3 weeks. So there will be limited other opportunities to speak to him properly. I need to think about it…

Just text him back -sorry, not up to meeting today, will catch up later on in the week.

Get the MAP and dump him.

Why does his need to meet because he is 'upset' override your need to sort your head out mentally/get morning after pill after he had non-consensual sex with you?

Of course he is 'upset', he's committed a crime and lost his girlfriend.

He's going to play on your vulnerabilities and sweet talk you round.
Does he know you have a history of ignoring red flags?

"I have a history of overlooking red flags and letting things go only for the man to dump me later down the line".

I would end this relationship and look further into counselling re the above issue. This absolutely needs addressing by you and particularly before you enter into another relationship.

He's only upset because you reacted strongly to what he's done. Basically he's upset and apologetic because you're upset. Not because he realises what he's done.
Even if he was too caught up at the end, he had a choice to respect or not to respect your wishes from the start and he didn't. He pushed your boundaries with what was effectively a deception.
What man wants to start, then pull out and put on a condom? He set himself up to fail and it's not unlikely that he intended to finish without a condom all the time.

The big question is, can you trust him?

Notice how he's still pushing your boundaries to make you do something you don't want to.
He should be respecting your wishes not to see him.

If you don’t want to meet him today, don’t meet him. Put your boundaries first. Take your time to get your head straight. If he pushes then you know he doesn’t respect your boundaries and it would never have worked.