BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

Jesus some of the posts on here!

OP you were clear with him as you began sex today that you did not want him to come inside you without a condom on. In fact, you told him at least twice. He then came inside you without a condom on. That is absolutely unacceptable. Im sorry it happened to you.

What you allowed last night is completely irrelevant. That you didn’t scream at him to stop as he was about to come is completely irrelevant. The only way it would be ok for him to come inside you once you have clearly told him no, is if you had clearly stated that he could during sex.

Anybody saying anything different doesn’t understand consent, sexual boundaries and sexual assault laws. and is part of the reason why rape and sexual assault conviction rates are so incredibly low.

It doesn’t have to mean your relationship is over, that’s for you to reflect on as you explore how you feel and see how he responds. It may mean it is, but you may be able to move past it. But know that it’s ok for you to feel very upset. And it’s not your fault.

He was wrong, I would be shaken too.
I am a very placid undramatic person, if that's any reassurance that your not overreacting.
I'd have a think about your relationship in general after this.
I was also very poor with asserting boundaries when younger. I'm a bit better now, but mainly because I don't associate with people who push them constantly.
I don't want to have to try protect myself from the people in my personal life.
So I just don't have people like that close to me anymore.

Thanks for all the different views. I think the varying perspectives reflect what is going on in my head - lots of conflicting ideas. I’m feeling very mean that I’m not reassuring him that it’s all forgotten. But I think I’ve had far too much sex just to be polite or not hurt a mans feelings in the past and I'm now trying to do things differently.

Regarding pregnancy risk I think it should be very low. I’m not a risk taker by nature which is why I wasn’t thrilled about the lack of condom but I’m day 5 of a 29 day cycle and I’m also old (43) so I think it’s extremely unlikely that I’d run into difficulties.

Going to sleep on things for now. Thanks again.

No mixed signals.

Absolute deal breaker for me. No matter what the circumstance. I'd be gone immediately. Prick.

@Annasgirl

Male rape apologists

If you mean me, I'm a woman. And if you believe that women aren't capable of taking ownership of their own bodies and saying "no" when they don't like something, to the point where it's horrendously unfair to expect them to ever do so rather than relying on their partner's mind-reading abilities, you're a misogynist. Stop infantilizing women by normalizing this degree of mental dysfunction.

the guy isn't a mind reader, and he had no way of knowing that her apparent continued voluntary participation was really an objection in disguise.

This is the Paddy Jackson defence. "Did she say yes?" "Well she didn't say no". Just do what you want to a passive woman even if her last word on the subject of whatever it was you wanted to do was "no".

I got pregnant with sex once at 43. Get the morning after pill op...
Maybe he was expecting you to say stop now and get a condom? Maybe he was happy for you to manage the protection situation - as I am sure most men would prefer to not use one. And when you didn't he carried on. Wrongly assuming you had changed your mind.. Confusion /blurred lines /misunderstanding.. Don't be too quick to label yourself a rape victim..or him a rapist.
Imo.

A man putting his penis inside a woman in a way she hasn’t consented to.

Op literally says she agreed.

It's quite clearly not rape

So you're clearly a bad guy rapist if you fuck a fighting or flighting woman any way you want (though you might get around the former nowadays if you say she wanted rough sex and she voluntarily went home with you and wasn't a stranger in a park) but it's OK to fuck a "freezing" woman. You can probably even convince yourself that she is loving it really, especially if you watch enough of the right kind of porn. Men* have relied on women becoming passive- through not wanting to make a fuss and kill the vibe, if not outright fear or past trauma- to get what they want since ever.

*NAMALT obvs.

A man putting his penis inside a woman in a way she hasn’t consented to.

Op literally says she agreed.

It's quite clearly not rape*

She specifically disagreed to have an uncovered ejaculating penis inside her. It isn't "clearly not rape".

‘He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one.’

I’m a little confused about this part. Could there have been a misunderstanding on one or both of your sides?

Disclaimer- I understand that if you wanted to withdraw consent at anytime then that’s perfectly fine. I’m just trying to help you understand whether there may have been any communication issues which could have led to it.

Cant believe some of the comments in this thread.

No is no.

No don’t cum without a condom is NO

Víctima blaming ? Shame on you all doing it.

Sorry this has happened to you Op. hope you manage to rest tonight. Sending you warm hugs.

@powershowerforanhour

A man putting his penis inside a woman in a way she hasn’t consented to.

Op literally says she agreed.

It's quite clearly not rape*

She specifically disagreed to have an uncovered ejaculating penis inside her. It isn't "clearly not rape".

Please, do highlight where OP "specifically disagreed to have an uncovered ejaculating penis inside her"

@EasterIssland

Cant believe some of the comments in this thread.

No is no.

No don’t cum without a condom is NO

Víctima blaming ? Shame on you all doing it.

Sorry this has happened to you Op. hope you manage to rest tonight. Sending you warm hugs.

Again, where does OP specifically state "do not cum without a condom"

Please, do highlight where OP "specifically disagreed to have an uncovered ejaculating penis inside her"

He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object.

Sex without a condom when one party wanted one to be used is sexual assault. OP there is no conflict. He sounds like a disgusting excuse of a man and I would end it immediately.

I'm always staggered and saddened by how frequently women fall over themselves to excuse the appalling behaviour of some men.

Op literally says she agreed.

She says she didn't object. Then.
But she had said she didn't want to have sex without a condom.
He pushed the boundaries to the point she didn't have time to object. He knew what he was doing. And that was not respecting her boundaries or what she expressly had told him.

@Lweji

Op literally says she agreed.

She says she didn't object. Then.
But she had said she didn't want to have sex without a condom.
He pushed the boundaries to the point she didn't have time to object. He knew what he was doing. And that was not respecting her boundaries or what she expressly had told him.

She says "i agreed"

I'm not sure what is more consensual than verbally agreeing to something?

She didn't agree for him to come inside her. Can you read?
She relented on him starting without a condom and reminded him that she didn't want sex without it.

I supposed she could have pulled out when he said he was coming, but she froze.
Willing people don't freeze.
She was put in a shitty position.
That you're defending him, is disgusting.

I would actually say he intended to have sex without a condom all along and deliberately misled her.

*He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one.’

I’m a little confused about this part. Could there have been a misunderstanding on one or both of your sides?*

Why is that confusing? Sounds like boundary pushing to me. He did gain OP's consent to get started without (albeit with the caveat that she did want to use one...the way I read it OP implied get one on before the main event) but did not have consent to come inside her. A lawyer using case law from the Ulster rugby rape trial, for example, may be able to argue that he "reasonably believed that he had consent" by the time he ejaculated if he said that because she didn't actively or verbally start to resist, he assumed that she had changed her mind. It depends to what extent passivity is considered to equal consent.

The "miscommunication" is the centuries of "women as gatekeepers, men as boundary pushers" around sex- woman's job to say no, man's job to "win her over" at least enough till she stops vigorously resisting (and in the books and whatnot, obviously eventually starts orgasming all over the place). There are some Queensberry Rules for the gentlemanly chaps- albeit open to interpretation . No Rohypnol. Not so much alcohol that she scores less than 4 on the Glasgow coma scale. No overwhelming physical force, though something along the lines of "Her threw her roughly on the bed. She felt his strong, tanned hands close in an iron grip around her slender wrists. She closed her eyes and inhaled the scent of the hay he had been harvesting along with his sweat, a powerful new sensation to her as she yielded to his touch...
blah de blah de bullshit" is considered acceptable and desirable. Or the modern visual equivalent of her orgasming whilst she chokes on his massive dick and cries.

but reminded him that I did want to use one

You were clear.

I can totally understand why you feel tearful. I think you feel violated. I'm sorry OP, but it wouldn't surprise me if he did that deliberately. There is a porn genre all about men 'accidentally' coming, about condoms 'accidentally' coming off completely. Some men see it as a particular dominant gesture. This violation is a particular fantasy for some.

At the very least, I think he saw what he wanted, and took it. Not all abuse and rape happens because the man has been dreaming up ways to torture his partner. Some it happens because of pure ruthlessness and selfishness. They want something so they take something. Abuse can be very cold too.

I would reply to certain posters on here directly but I'm likely to get kicked or reported. Do not listen to them. I'l reply to this line though -

The rhythm method is making you anxious because it’s not effective enough for you to be comfortable with your risk of pregnancy at this time in your life and relationship

Bloodyhell. Talking about missing the point here. This not about the OP being anxious about the rhythm method!!!!! This is about lack of consent!!!

I OP, don't rely on men 'listening to your feminist leanings'. Some men simply keep quiet to have an easy life. They may even pretend to agree with you and are able to parrot thing they've seen on their left-wing dominated social media accounts, just in case. Also, silence does not mean someone agrees with you. Many women make this mistake regarding their partners political views on equal rights and such.

It's very confusing, but some messed up people are not very coherent. So, a man might express revulsion towards his father who abused his mother. He might be genuinely angry and disgusted by it.....but then go on to abuse his own female partner in future. Some people are all #bekind, may preach at others about this or that social justice cause, but in their personal life, they might be highly manipulative, self-serving or abusive.

I'm so sorry you had this experience. I think he knew exactly what he was doing and it's unlikely that you will get over this loss of trust and betrayal.

One other thing I have to say -

Many women make the mistake of thinking -

'I got angry, I got upset, we've discussed xyz, I've told him it was unacceptable, we've argued'....THEREFORE, my partner knows never to to xyz ever again.

Unfortunately, many people just don't work like this. All they see is a very simple equation -

My behaviour + woman = woman decides to stay with me.

Please don't be that woman.

Be the woman that actually said 'No - fuck that. I'm off. Bye!!'