BF didn’t use a condom when I’d asked him to

[Overreactionmaybe]

I’m so upset but I don’t know if I’m overreacting and being a drama queen. My boyfriend of a year really shocked me this morning. We went out last night and had a few drinks. I’m on my period and in the moment last night felt that we could take the risk of not using a condom (I’m not on any other contraception). This morning I felt that I’d been a little unwise and although it’s low risk at this time in my cycle it’s not a risk I wanted to take so I said I wanted to use a condom. He got one out ready but when it came to it he said he wanted to start without one. I agreed but reminded him that I did want to use one. Then a few minutes later he said he was going to cum. I froze as I didn’t expect this would happen and I didn’t object. After he came I felt quite upset. Straight away I said I’d wanted to use a condom and he said I was ok without one a few hours before. I was really quiet and he realised how upset I was. He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation.

However, I’m so shaken. I feel really panicky and tearful. I’m on my own tonight and I can’t get my breath. I’m so upset this has happened but I feel guilty for being arsey about it.

There is a history of experiences during past relationships of being coerced into sex and my boundaries not being respected. But probably no more than what most other women have experienced.

I feel ashamed at being so upset and worried that I am being over dramatic. I’m tired so maybe after a good sleep I’ll feel better.

Prior to this my bf has always been extremely respectful and understood and agreed with all my feminist leanings so this seems out of character.

I’m not sure why I am posting but I just need to get this out there as I don’t have anyone else I can share this with right now. I would be grateful for any thoughts about whether I should just put this to the back of my mind and get on with things or is this a dealbreaker?

*She says "i agreed"

I'm not sure what is more consensual than verbally agreeing to something?*

She immediately followed that with the qualifier that she did want to use one. This implies that she wanted him to pull out and get one on before ejaculating. What else could she have meant by saying that she did want to use one? Blowing it up afterwards and releasing it out the window like a sky lantern? It's certainly less of a leap to think he knew this is what she meant, than to think he could assume she changed her mind as she was passive when he gave a couple of seconds' warning that he was about to shove aside the second boundary she had put up.

Also, where does "she didn't say no again/ she didn't actively resist" stretch until one cannot reasonable assume consent?
So - she initially said she wanted to use a condom. He got her to agree to start without one. Verbal consent gained, we assume without coercion. She reminds him that she does want to use one- so implicit non consent to finishing without. He gets started: all ok, no rape at this point. Gives her the two second warning....can her lack of active physical or verbal objection in this brief window after being blindsided be construed as consent? How far could he have pushed and reasonably assumed consent? Not saying these would remotely cross OP's partner's mind but it is a thought experiment- "I wanna do it to you rough" (after she tried it with him the night before for the first time, didn't like it and said she didn't want to do it again?)..and two seconds later a slap in the face or hands around her throat? "I wanna fuck you up the arse" whilst turning her over and prodding (after she tried it for the first time the night before, didn't like it and said she didn't want to do it again?)

If OP wasn't happy with that, she should of objected.

have

And she DID.

Obviously not strongly enough. If you feel that strongly about using a condom then enforce it. Don't agree to start without and then things don't go as expected.

This is called learning, the situation happened by starting without using a condom, if OP feels that strongly then make sure it's used next time.

They are in relationship, having consensual sex. If pregnancy is the issue, use another form of contraception or take the morning after pill.

Well, this thread makes for extremely grim reading doesn't it?

OP - you did not consent, there were no blurred lines or mixed messages. Stealthing is a form of sexual abuse and gender-based violence and I'm sorry this happened to you. I am also sorry that this thread seems to have attracted a lot of victim-blaming posters who are uneducated about consent and are either male misogynists or women who have sadly internalised the daily misogyny we face.

Sorry should have used the quote function there .

Has he trotted out the tired old line that he "didn't have time to stop/pull out etc". Bullshit, all men know where their "point of no return" is, and is sounds like he was nowhere near.

As for your withdrawal of consent, it's very clear, I agree with pp that he raped you (sex with zero consent). This is not a nice guy, there's.a good chance he will more forms of sex where he can exert his (coercive) control over you in the bedroom.

I agree you gave out mixed signals. If you wanted to use a condom then you should have said no and moved away when he said he wanted to start without one not let him carry on. Also when he said he was near to cumming you should have said pull out or moved . Blames on both sides here sorry. But automatically people will jump in and blame the guy etc call him a rapist it’s easy to blame one person but in reality you are both at fault.

Please do NOT doubt yourself or trying to justify his behavior. You did nothing wrong, he did.

Please dump him. He doesn’t respect consent.

I want to add, one of my exes secretly took the condom off during sex or it slid off and he continued to have sex/ rape me in this case actually, pretending he hadn’t noticed it. I was very young back then so I believed his bullshit excuse. That same guy later on became fysically and mentally and sometimes also sexually abusive to me when we started living together. Then his true colours came out. The condom stealthing should have been the first sign. No respect for consent means no respect for you as a person, as a woman at all.

I love the way everyone on this thread thinks they can read the mind of this man. He may have done this deliberately, he may have misunderstood (and it doesn't sound to me as if the OP was clear tbf), he may have got carried away and forgot (I know I've done this with partner's myself when we've been meaning to pull out - I'm the woman to be clear!). Not excusing the latter and definitely not the former, but we really don't know what was going on his head at the time.

Personally if I were the OP, as she has said she normally finds him very respectful, I would talk to him and make a call based on that conversation. And if the relationship were continuing I would also make it very clear that sex without a condom can't happen again.

Life is so not as black and white as people on MN make out.

And OP get the morning after pill.

@Annasgirl

I really cannot believe how many male tape apologists are in a site for women, by women. Is it any wonder we cannot convict on rape, any wonder men can get away with murder by using the ‘she consented to rough sex’ defense when even WOMEN blame other women for the indefensible actions of men?

OP, your body is telling you all you need to know, we have gut reactions as a way of protecting ourselves. If I were in your shoes I would get the MAP and never see this man again. No explanation needed.

@Annasgirl

This

Disgusted by the victim blaming

^^ 100% agree

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
A man putting his penis inside a woman in a way she hasn’t consented to.

But didn't the op say that she agreed that he could start without one? So she dud consent. Or have I misunderstood?

Whatever, @Overreactionmaybe, if you feel abused and don't want to continue with your relationship, then you must do what makes you comfortable. But none of the posters know,l what they'd do in this situation even if they think they do. It's easy to tell other people to end their relationship but I can guarantee most people who'd advise you to do that, would not do so themselves. You do you, op. It's your life.

He has effectively raped you.
Morning after pill or coil, counselling about your assertion issues, don’t see him again.
If he can’t respect a woman’s right to choose whether she gets pregnant or not, he’s no feminist ally, he’s a fraud.
He’ll do it again.

Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

I agree that consent can be withdrawn at any time. But the op didn't withdraw consent. She consented to him starting without and when he said he was going to cum, she didn't tell him to stop. So there was no withdrawal of consent. However, in the ops mind they had an agreement in place that he broke. I certainly don't think he's blameless but the op was aware of what was happening and could have said no. It's a far from ideal situation and it's up to the op to decide whether this has ruined their relationship or whether he's a decent guy who made a mistake on this occasion.

I hope you slept op

Please ignore all the victim blaming misogynistic crap on your thread. He knew you didn’t want to have him cum in you without a condom and he carried on regardless. It’s rape. No chance you’d get a conviction in court sadly but it’s still rape.

Can you call rape crisis for some advice? Speak to a trained counsellor not random people online.

Be very very kind to yourself.

He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation

He seems to recognise his mistake. Does he not deserve a chance to change?

Some of the views on this thread are a disgrace.

I really hope that some of the posters on here are never on a jury for a rape trial given that you think that (a) freezing and not saying no (even when you have previously said you didn’t want that act to happen) is basically consent and (b) if you’ve done something once that constitutes implicit consent for future acts.

@skodadoda

He’s been really apologetic and acknowledged that consent at one time does not equal consent in a different situation

He seems to recognise his mistake. Does he not deserve a chance to change?

No, once a rapist always a rapist.

@Overreactionmaybe he raped you. Do not let idiots minimise this for you.

Lack or refusal does not equal consent especially when expectathave been set. Therefore he raped you.

Absolute deal breaker. I divorced my husband for behaviour like this. My dp would never touch me sexually without consent let alone ejaculated inside me.

Get the morning after pill

GET RID OF THE RAPIST

www.boredpanda.com/sexual-assault-consent-analogy-tweets-nafisa-ahmed/?page_numb=3&utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Twitter user Nafisa Ahmed did an excellent explanation on how consent works.