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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:
QueeniesCroft · 23/08/2021 08:48

He isn't learning from his mistakes, is he?

ShingleBeach · 23/08/2021 09:31

@Spidermum2

So we had a talk last night. I told him how hurt I feel and that if that’s how he really feels then I don’t want to be with him. He said it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me, it’s because he knows how self conscious I’d be getting married in front of people due to the weight gain and how he knows I’d want to look my best. Kind of feel like he has put words into my mouth as I don’t complain to him about the way I look or the weight gain. This is definitely more about him and how I’d embarrass him.
And yet.

In RL and in the weight loss chat boards, a common theme is that a couple decide to get married (you know… a mutual decision, not dependent on the man deciding and proposing) and make that decision irrespective of her size, and then the woman makes it her own goal, on her own terms, to lose weight that has crept up to feel more like the way she would like to feel by the wedding.

(I have no idea whether men make similar plans).

I suspect your analysis of what he said is right OP.

And even if it was genuinely in response to you wanting to look different by your wedding, he could have apologised for upsetting you by saying it in front of your friend, or had the gumption to realise that if it meant a lot to you you could lose weight after setting the date.

He might not realise just how horrible his outlook and behaviour is. Men can be dense and non-perceptive about weight etc.

Does he show love and affection? Does he fancy you? Does he do things that shows he cares about you, is he kind and considerate towards you?

MargosKaftan · 23/08/2021 09:36

Nope, if that was true, he would have asked you whatever size and then support you if you wanted to lose weight before the wedding.

That was a lie to make his cruel comment your fault. You are unhappy about your size so I cant ask you to marry me until you are happy. This is bull and I'm glad you saw through it.

He wants you to look a certain way.

Do carry on thinking through your options.

MargosKaftan · 23/08/2021 09:37

Oh and in your chat, did he apologise for hurting your feelings? Even if he didn't mean it that way, once he realised that's how you and your friend had taken it, he should have been mortified and apologising.

ChequerBoard · 23/08/2021 09:48

@Spidermum2

So we had a talk last night. I told him how hurt I feel and that if that’s how he really feels then I don’t want to be with him. He said it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me, it’s because he knows how self conscious I’d be getting married in front of people due to the weight gain and how he knows I’d want to look my best. Kind of feel like he has put words into my mouth as I don’t complain to him about the way I look or the weight gain. This is definitely more about him and how I’d embarrass him.

Nope this is arse covering if the worst kind. He is gaslighting you.

If that was his actual intention, he would have said something benign to your friend like' we'll get married when Spidermum2 and I are both ready and not before'.

He didn't - he humiliated you in front of a friend. There is no excuse for that.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/08/2021 11:19

Now he's telling you how you feel about your body. To cover his arse!

He's not embarrassed by you - don't take that on. He's a wanker who likes to belittle you in front of your friends. It's a nasty thing to so to someone you're supposed to love enough to marry. He took a dig at something he knows makes you already feel bad about yourself. And now you're feeling even worse. THAT was his intention: to make you feel like shit. And he's succeeded. Instead of feeling justifiably angry, you've decided he's embarrassed by you and are feeling even more insecure.

And guess what, insecure people are less likely to leave wankers! He's keeping you down so you don't leave his awful nasty ass.

ArabellaScott · 23/08/2021 11:24

He is gaslighting you.

Yup. It's just more control.

Kind of feel like he has put words into my mouth

Exactly how a coercive, controlling relationship works. I'm sorry, OP.

Have you ever heard of 'negging'?

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging

Myla2 · 23/08/2021 12:21

The more you post the worse he sounds. I dont know what your still doing with someone like that op.

There are nicer people out there in the world trust me.

Either way your relationship is pretty dead end even if he did propose would you want to get with someone who sets conditions over your body like that.

Original poster
Spidermum2 · 23/08/2021 12:30

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/08/2021 12:32

@Spidermum2

So we had a talk last night. I told him how hurt I feel and that if that’s how he really feels then I don’t want to be with him. He said it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me, it’s because he knows how self conscious I’d be getting married in front of people due to the weight gain and how he knows I’d want to look my best. Kind of feel like he has put words into my mouth as I don’t complain to him about the way I look or the weight gain. This is definitely more about him and how I’d embarrass him.
It has everything to do with him and his very superficial values. You really are under reacting hugely to what he has said. I would think it unforgettable even before he said it in front of your friend, that just made it humiliating and nasty as well.
Aprilx · 23/08/2021 12:37

@Spidermum2

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.
He is confusing you with mixed messages.

Tonight why not just say to him, “I am happy with my weight, so let’s set a date and get married”. His answer should clear up any doubts you have. Unfortunately, my prediction is that he will turn you down.

ArabellaScott · 23/08/2021 12:39

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.

One can spend far too long trying to second-guess the motivations of a man who is trying to control his partner.

How do you feel about things? Are you happy in the relationship, OP?

9 years - keep in mind the 'sunk costs' fallacy. Unhealthy relationships can and do endure for a long time, sadly.

And children, yes, of course. That does make things harder. You have my sympathy. I would say that you deserve to be happy, and your children will be best served by you being as happy as you can be and deserve to be, have self respect, and are able to assert your own needs and desires.

MargosKaftan · 23/08/2021 12:41

@Spidermum2

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.
Well, it could be he likes living as a family, being with his dcs every day when he finishes work, not just having to see them every other weekend. He likes you doing the bulk of the childcare, do you do the bulk of household tasks too? Would his standard of living as a single man drop dramatically? If so, he'd have to be pretty confident he could get a woman closer to his "ideal" fast to make leaving worth while.

Or it could be he wants to end your relationship, but is being a dick so you'll leave him. He won't be the sort of shit who walked out on his kids, one just a baby - he'll have been thrown out by his mad ex who can't take a joke.

lazylinguist · 23/08/2021 13:23

He said it has nothing to do with the way he feels about me, it’s because he knows how self conscious I’d be getting married in front of people due to the weight gain and how he knows I’d want to look my best.

That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard.

PickAChew · 23/08/2021 13:32

He's full of shit, isn't he.

I was 6 month post partum and 3 stone overweight, when I married dh. Yes it does show in the photos but we were getting married, not on a fashion shoot.

Graphista · 23/08/2021 13:46

Why has he avoided marriage until now? This is just ANOTHER excuse he's stringing you along.

Men who genuinely intend to marry ime propose within the first 3 years it's very rare they propose later than that and men who do tend to not mean to get married but "bestow an engagement* as a sort of consolation prize. Someone I know the couple have been together almost 20 years, they've 3 kids together and they've been "engaged" for almost 15 - it'll never happen! The engagement came about due to an ultimatum but she didn't really make it work for her. The house is in his name too and she's a sahm. If they break up or he dies or becomes incapacitated her and the kids are basically screwed!

Women need to protect themselves and their dc by either maintaining full financial independence (which is pretty damn hard in a patriarchal society unless you don't have dc) or not accepting crumbs of pretend commitment and insisting on actual commitment.

He's at it op.

Preech · 23/08/2021 13:59

@Spidermum2

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.
Sounds like he's comfortable? Which, again, doesn't really say much about how much you matter to him.

If he's staying because he's comfortable, then that's more about him wanting an easier life than wanting to be with you. Which is a crap thing to settle for.

MargosKaftan · 23/08/2021 16:38

Its also completely ok to decide you don't want to be with him, but given your youngest is only a few months old, to keep quiet about that until you are in a position to comfortably leave. (Eg. Back after maternity leave, cleared any debts, got children sleeping better etc ).

You do not have to make decisions today/this week/this month. Sounds like he's kept his options open for years, so its ok for you to take your time to decide what you want your future to look like, and if it includes him or not.

SummerWhisper · 23/08/2021 19:55

I think @Aprilx has a good ploy to out him. Watch him squirm and tell you that you're not ready yet...

mathanxiety · 26/08/2021 01:32

He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment.

@Spidermum2
Yes, he's keeping his options open while firmly closing the door on yours and keeping you confused by the odd verbal declaration of love, while his refusal to commit says he neither loves you nor respects you.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2021 01:33

I would believe what he does (or rather doesn't do) and not what he says here.

Talk is cheap.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/08/2021 16:35

@Spidermum2

I just don’t understand him. He’s said what he said, yet still tells me he loves me. He quite clearly doesn’t like the way I look but why hasn’t he left me? My head is all over the place at the moment. If we hadn’t been together for 9 years and have children together it would be so much easier to walk away.
It's entirely possible that he loves you but would prefer it if you were slimmer. I expect lots of us have been in a situation like that. Maybe you'd prefer it if he worked out more? But that doesn't give anyone the right to put words in your mouth, as you said. There is so much more to any of us than our body shape, so really this aspect isn't one you need to puzzle over.

There are plenty of reasons for you to be cross, and these have been well explained by others on the thread. I just thought it was worth focusing for a minute on the difference between loving someone & wanting to be with them, and thinking that their current figure is perfect.

Personally I don't think I'd be in a rush to end things over this, but it would make me look with a more critical eye at the rest of the relationship.

Youknownothingsnow · 28/08/2021 17:29

What he has said is so unattractive! He has ruined the whole thing.

Get out and one day you’ll have a real partner who respects, loves you and doesn’t put conditions on love or gestures.

Longbarn5 · 20/09/2021 15:38

I've only just read this and I am horrified. What an awful bloke! He deserves a bloody big kick in the gone for good direction!,

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