He won’t propose until I lose weight

[Spidermum2]

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

Basically what @honeylulu said.
You deserve so much more.

"And I'll say yes when you learn to be a kind and non-judgemental twat" is why I've had said before packing my bags and leaving his arrogant arse!

Whatever else you do please please please get yourself a nice big bunch of flowers next time your at supermarket.

Ha, is that the height of luxury then? Do we not want to raise the bar a bit?

OP your OH is being a manipulative excuse for a human being. I'd be rethinking the whole thing. I'd bet he's a dick in other ways too. You just hadn't spotted the pattern until now.

Wow, what a catch!
He humiliated you in front of your friend, as well as saying it to you before.
There is no way in hell he'd still be my partner after the first time, let alone now.

Leave him now.

My ex withheld sex “until I lost weight”. I weighed 9.5 stone - it’s abuse and I should imagine he sneaks in this abuse at other times but you accept it- like I did.

I can’t tell you the freedom you’ll feel not with this worthless piece of sh*t.

Is he an Adonis?
Do you want to marry him?

Do what YOU want to do! Its your life! Lose the weight if you want to or don't if you are happy the way you are! But do sit him down and tell him how hurtful and nasty his comment was. Check his reaction to what you say to him. If he is genuinely sorry and was just thoughtless/thought he was giving you 'the push you wanted' etc then tell him how he humiliated you, how your body is not up for ridicule (let alone public shaming) and it is never to happen again. Either he loves you or he doesn't; his love should not be based on what the scales/him/his friend say etc. And if he is sorry and says he won't do it again, keep an eye on what he says in the future. If he is happy to continue to ridicule you then he will do the same to a child if they don't fit in with his plans and that is a no-brainer - he goes.

@Spidermum2

According to bmi, I am 1 stone heavier than I should be. I don’t complain as I am fairly happy with how I look. I know being 1 stone heavier than I should is not ideal, but in time I will focus on losing it. *@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe* I can’t remember the last time he bought me any.

1 stone? I could maybe sort of understand it at a pinch if you were exstreemly dangerously overweight but 1 stone? Who the hell does he think he is. I bet he's overweight isnt he?

That’s really nasty of him

@Spidermum2

Yes it seems if I lose weight he will ‘treat’ me by proposing. What about proposing because he actually wants to, regardless of how I look or how much I weigh So glad I started this thread, it has really opened my eyes!

He's beyond a twat. Good enough to have children with , including a 6 month old baby, but not good enough to make a legal commitment to?

Fuck him.

That's so hurtful; I can't imagine how you must feel.

He doesn't sound very kind or loving.

I think you deserve better, but that's easy to say from behind a keyboard.

I hope you are enjoying your new addition to the family and please have some virtual flowers, since he can't arsed to buy you any real ones thewanker

Get yourself in trim. Wait for the proposal.

And then turn him down.

I would "propose" that he backs his bags and leaves now. Is he overweight ?

@MsWalterMitty

Having kids is way more of a commitment than getting married! Why did he agree to that?

Have the past 9 years in the relationship been relatively good? Do you genuinely feel he loves you? Do you genuinely feel you love him? How else does he treat you?

And so he will have kids with you, which MsWalterMitty is right, is a much bigger commitment than marriage.

Was your weight always the condition for marriage? or you're just hearing that now? Have you been wanting to marry him? Did he know that? Is it just him that is not wanting to marry?

I wouldn't even marry someone so hesitant about it; their heart isn't in it, even despite kids.

Is he good with the kids?

And regardless of all that: what jerk says you have to LOOK a certain way in order to be married. Well, ok, some do. Actually, I have heard some girls say they boyfriends won't date them if they aren't a certain weight, wear certain things. Some of the girls don't seem to care and follow it. Some of them hate it and dump them. To me if your worth is all your appearance, that's very sad. you are more than your body

Ask him why he's been dating you for 9 years if you are such an ugly fat girl then?? Tell him to go find a model to marry and eff off. So are you the "just good enough" one for now and he'll go off with a model-like girl later? Does he just stay with you cuz of the kids? That's sad too. Is your weight the only reason he won't marry you? If not, why bring up the weight to you, that seems cruel as hell. If so, that's messed up to reduce someone to a number on a scale ffs!

omg, so many questions.

Only you know op. Search your heart. Probably have a blunt conversation with him. If you feel you can't talk about it and how you feel, even after being together for 9 years, that'd be telling in-and-of-itself.

I think he’s already kind of ruined a proposal now anyway (if there was ever going to be one) It wouldn’t be special now would it. It would feel like “right you’re at the size I want you to be now, so will you marry me” Certainly not how a proposal should be! Thank god for nice online people

I really hope you wouldn’t say yes if he did propose

He's not kind. You need someone kind as a life partner.

Getting engaged is something you both want to do not a prize to be used to get one person to do what the other one wants!

How do people end up with someone so mean in real life. Honestly op?

If I was you I'd lose the dead weight and dump him. Because that's the only extra weight you are carrying

@Gh0stontoast I felt physically sick reading that story. The poor, poor woman.

How can you be helped into getting rid of your so called partner?. He is your excess deadweight here and will further drag you and your kids down will him.

He's vile. Bad enough saying it to you, but saying it in front of your friend is just deliberately hurtful and humiliating. Who the hell does he think he is?!

It would serve him right if you lost some weight (for you, not him), then he proposed and you turned him down and dumped him. But really you'd be better off dumping him right now.

You’d be doing so in a smaller wedding dress, but you’d still be marrying a dick. Save yourself for someone who loves all of you.

LTB