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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won’t propose until I lose weight

424 replies

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 07:44

A friend came round last night and we got talking about someone we know who had just got married. Friend said to me in a lighthearted way, “when is it your turn” to which dp said “I’ve told her I’ll propose when she loses weight” He has said this to me in the past, but I let it go over my head at the time. But as he has said it again, he must really mean it which hurts a lot. I’m in two minds as to whether I am over reacting. One part of me thinks it may be his way of ‘trying’ to spur me on to lose weight and in his mind thinks he’s giving me a kick up the arse and trying to be helpful. Or whether he’s being a total dick and I should consider if I want to be with him let alone marry him.

OP posts:

SkiingIsHeaven · 20/08/2021 16:28

Lose weight, then when he proposes say yes, then eat nothing but pizza and full fat coke and become huge before the wedding, just to spite him.

He sounds like a dick.

Make sure your kids don't have the same ethics as him when they grow up.

Boredmotherofone · 20/08/2021 16:35

@SkiingIsHeaven

Lose weight, then when he proposes say yes, then eat nothing but pizza and full fat coke and become huge before the wedding, just to spite him.

He sounds like a dick.

Make sure your kids don't have the same ethics as him when they grow up.

Lose weight, then when he proposes say yes, then eat nothing but pizza and full fat coke and become huge before the wedding, just to spite him.

This has got to be absolute WORST advice I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Spectacularly so. Wow, just wow.

shockthemonkey · 20/08/2021 16:37

I think that may just have been lighthearted, Bored.

Jeesh

BabyRace · 20/08/2021 16:48

Your baby, size, weight even the disgusting comment aside, you have been together almost a decade and have two children.

He is not going to propose. He never intends to. If he wanted to, he would have done it by now. Set an example to your children that they should be with someone that loves and respects them.

Cameleongirl · 20/08/2021 16:53

So you're good enough to have his children, but not good enough to marry?! What a piece of work, I'd get rid of him.

Bluntness100 · 20/08/2021 17:07

@SkiingIsHeaven

Lose weight, then when he proposes say yes, then eat nothing but pizza and full fat coke and become huge before the wedding, just to spite him.

He sounds like a dick.

Make sure your kids don't have the same ethics as him when they grow up.

This is the silliest thing I’ve ever read.

Newestname001 · 20/08/2021 17:10

@Shoxfordian

I really hope you wouldn’t say yes if he did propose

This ^

You are worth more than this self-absorbed "partner" OP. 🌹

me4real · 20/08/2021 17:11

I thouught Skiinng's suggestion was quite funny. Wouuld be worth doing if the wedding plans didn't leave you out of pocket.

ChequerBoard · 20/08/2021 17:11

OP I would also consider that men who expect to have a trophy wives have a nasty habit of moving on to a younger, shinier trophy when the original trophy starts to age/gets sick of his bullshit.

In my experience they also treat their kids like trophies in training, proud of their accomplishments such as sports prowess and exam successes - all to the glorification of his own wonderfulness, but are not there for them emotionally.

Example - 'will you come and watch me in school sports day?' says small child. 'I'll only come if you win, are you going to win?' says dickhead father. Child was not sporty and asthmatic and had zero chance of winning anything which both child and father knew well. Bloody cruel and toxic to the child's self esteem.

Seagullsstopit · 20/08/2021 17:17

I had one of these
HE WILL NEVER MARRY YOU
if you lose the weight something else will come up.
Seriously. If marriage is something you really want, you won't get it with him.
Don't waste your best years on the future faker

mathanxiety · 20/08/2021 17:42

He thinks your body is good enough to fuck and bear children for him, but it's not good enough to have his surname or to openly commit to?

And you are thinking that your one stone of baby weight is the problem?

mathanxiety · 20/08/2021 17:58

What that remark says about him is that he feels he has power over you, and he is enjoying it so much and feels so secure in his powerful position that he is inviting others to see you the same way he sees you - as a small, weak, objectionable person.

He is saying that in his world, the man makes decisions about the lives of women and children. There is no mutual respect here.

In this case, he is also the one who decides whether to give you and his own children the rights that come with marriage - because you currently have none. He is saying he will withhold those rights from you. He has you where he wants you and he is cracking the whip.

He is rubbing in the fact that you are powerless to make him marry you and in a very vulnerable position under the law, by humiliating you about your weight. He is saying that not even bearing his children will move him to protect you.

Why would a man behave like this?

It's because he is a small, sad, inadequate turd.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2021 18:00

YYY to 'future faker'.

And he has thrown in humiliation on top of that.

He is enjoying keeping you dangling and making cruel remarks. It makes him feel powerful.

sleeponeday · 20/08/2021 18:10

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You need this, OP. Truly. He's ground you down to the point that you are taking this from him, as long as it's not said in public. Think back to when you were single, before him - if you'd had any idea this is who he would be, would you have looked at him twice?

billiebeeme · 20/08/2021 18:12

If I were ur friend I wld have told him that I really hope he's joking (even though not funny) and that he better not be so cruel.

That's a horrible thing to say and even worse to think that he might actually mean it. I'd be having words. Tell him ur hurt. Does he actually mean it if so seriously find yourself someone that loves u as u are. What a bastard!

lastcall · 20/08/2021 19:12

@Spidermum2

I think he’s already kind of ruined a proposal now anyway (if there was ever going to be one) It wouldn’t be special now would it. It would feel like “right you’re at the size I want you to be now, so will you marry me” Certainly not how a proposal should be! Thank god for nice online people

It's not about a 'proposal' anymore. It's about the awful way he's treating you and the fact that you deserve better. A lot better.

Why would you want to marry someone who would treat you in this manner?

whynotwhatknot · 20/08/2021 19:37

How mean and abusive of him-im overweight majorly so but the only time my dh brings it up is when we talk about health and hes concerned-he doesnt use it against me to give me something

Peach01 · 20/08/2021 20:03

This is terrible OP. What you weigh should never have a correlation to whether he proposes. What a dick. You've only had a baby 6 months ago. What a cheek he has. I'm a bit lost for words here.

BabyRace · 20/08/2021 20:27

Out of interest, how did your friend react?

Original poster

Spidermum2 · 20/08/2021 20:30

@BabyRace she didn’t say anything but I could see that she felt awkward. Then shortly after she left she messaged and asked if I were ok

OP posts:

Boredmotherofone · 20/08/2021 22:03

[quote Spidermum2]@BabyRace she didn’t say anything but I could see that she felt awkward. Then shortly after she left she messaged and asked if I were ok[/quote]
So what are you thinking then? Have you said anything to him about it yet?

It really isn't good. At all. You deserve ten times better - every woman on earth deserves ten times better than this guy

Sampafie · 21/08/2021 07:43

@Boredmotherofone OP said hed said it to her before, and she didnt leave then, why should she leave now? Because he said it infront of someone else?

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2021 09:10

Time to get your head out of the sand! This is who he is and he doesn’t mind broadcasting his twattery. Tell him not to give up on his day job because motivational speeches, aren’t his forte.

Let your humiliation be a catalyst to getting your finances sorted, if your names not on the deeds it should be and make sure he’s pulling his childcare and domestic weight.

Preech · 21/08/2021 09:43

@OP I wonder if he's always thought of "getting married" as "having a big party". I've had some friends who spent years together and would say things like "marriage is just a piece of paper" because they didn't think about it much further than the dress, the flowers, the ceremony and the big dinner-dance afterwards.*

That's not what getting married is actually about though. And it sounds like you have a much deeper and more mature view of what a marriage actually is.

And his immaturity would never excuse his cruelty.

*Said friends changed their tune when they decided to have children.

DiscoGlitterBall · 21/08/2021 10:43

I won’t read the whole thread (sorry, not sorry) because all you need to do is LEAVE HIM. You will be forever unhappy, lose your self esteem and if you think it’s nasty now, wait until you get some baby weight.

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