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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
Lupellegrino · 01/08/2021 17:43

I'm so sorry that must have been awful 😞

FreshFancyFrogglette · 01/08/2021 17:45

Oh no, that's awful. So sorry. It's sounds like a drunken text, but even still, he shouldn't be sending it, and she shouldn't be on his mind. You need to sit down with him and be honest about what you've seen, admit that you snooped because you still don't trust him, and as it turns out, you are right not to.
I don't think anyone can tell you where to go from here, but there certainly needs to be a discussion, and some changes. I would try to go in rationally - if possible- even though you have a right to be very upset and angry.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 17:47

Game over, surely ?

Debetswell · 01/08/2021 17:48

What do you want to do OP?
If it was me i would be quietly getting my ducks in a row.
Then I would leave when it suited me.

Rheia1983 · 01/08/2021 17:48

I'm very sorry OP. Did your husband say that he regretted his affair or act like it or did he just act as if nothing had happened?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 01/08/2021 17:51

You will (quite rightly) never be able to trust him again. The disrespect that text shows you is staggering. Call it quits now while you have a chance of establishing a reasonable co parenting relationship.

Even if blind drunk he wouldn’t have text her that if she wasn’t on his mind. Sorry but he’s not all in on your marriage, so it will never work.

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 17:52

I'd confront him about it.

It's been 2 years. He should be over it by now. If he's not, has the last two years been a lie? Do you think they might have had other contact in that time?

I don't care how much of a lightweight he is. He's proven you can't trust him. I'd be making plans to leave to be fair.

layladomino · 01/08/2021 17:52

I'm so sorry. I doubt you'll ever be able to trust him again, if the first time he's been out / had a drink he's thinking of her. And says he loves her. I'm afraid it would be game over for me.

A pp said - quietly get yourself organised and move on when it suits you. I fear that I wouldn't be able to wait for that and would have to tell him that I knew. Either way, he needs to understand that you know - and that it's on him that the marriage failed. This must be so hard for you, but it would be much harder to stick around with someone who loves another woman, and who you couldn't trust again.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:55

@MayorGoodwaysChicken @Rheia1983 @Debetswell @AnyFucker @FreshFancyFrogglette @Lupellegrino @girlmom21 hey everyone thanks for responding! Never used Mumsnet before so sorry if I'm doing anything wrong!

Yes I'm quietly looking at my options. Yes part of me is clinging onto it being a drunken message and meaning nothing which is why I looked at his phone in the morning hoping he had deleted her number..but he hasn't

OP posts:
TidyOmlette · 01/08/2021 17:55

Oh OP I’m so sorry. They do say the truth comes out when drunk. If it was me I’d do as advised above and start quietly making plans to leave. I would pretend everything was fine and get as much sorted as you can including proof of any future messages.

I would also get a really cheap pay and go with a different number secretly change it in his phone to her name so if he was to text again it would come straight to you.

DinosaurDiana · 01/08/2021 17:57

He must have been keeping her number to keep his options open, or else he would have deleted it.

CambsAlways · 01/08/2021 18:00

My heart goes out to you, you are worth so much more

joysmoy66 · 01/08/2021 18:04

Agree with dinosaurdiana-he's kept her number to keep his options open. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My husband had an affair last year and we have decided to work through it but he deleted and blocked her and if I ever find out he's contacted her it would be game over. Quietly get your ducks in a row as other posters have said and get rid.

NeverMetANiceOne · 01/08/2021 18:09

Even if he was drunk, he did it. He'll get drunk again, you'll never be able to trust him.

feeficken · 01/08/2021 18:09

I feel for you OP I am sure this has stirred up a lot of those feelings you had when you discovered the affair, I know it’s a really horrible situation to have been in and to be put in again. You see for me I couldn’t just dismiss this as a drunken mistake, he already made that one mistake by having the affair in the first place. The contact details of the OW should have been removed from his phone, I’ve seen a few posts where contact details are kept, I suspect that is because us as the betrayed are often scared to enforce boundaries such as removing the OM/OW contact detailed. My wife was trying to tell me she would remain friends with OM and would say hello to him if we ever bumped into him! I was like eh no we won’t.

You should speak to your husband as he has crossed a line again that should not have crossed, snooping or not he has shown again the reason why you don’t and shouldn’t don’t trust him and the fact he deleted and has not confessed just adds to that.

Again sorry your going through this again, I hope you find true peace and happiness.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 18:27

Even if it was a “drunken moment” is this ok in your relationship ? He has an affair, says it is over but then carries it on ?

What more needs to happen ?

toocold54 · 01/08/2021 18:48

Yes part of me is clinging onto it being a drunken message and meaning nothing

If it was a “hi, how are you?” Or even “fancy a shag?” then it could be a drunken mistake but to say he LOVES her is too far.

I am so sorry this has happened to you but he is in love with someone else. He can’t just switch those feelings off.
I could never forgive this but even if you do, will you really be able to trust him when he’s out drinking or going away with friends or work?
I couldn’t live and pretend to be happy with someone who I know is in love with someone else.

dreamersdown · 01/08/2021 18:51

@TidyOmlette

Oh OP I’m so sorry. They do say the truth comes out when drunk. If it was me I’d do as advised above and start quietly making plans to leave. I would pretend everything was fine and get as much sorted as you can including proof of any future messages.

I would also get a really cheap pay and go with a different number secretly change it in his phone to her name so if he was to text again it would come straight to you.

OP, I’m so sorry, this must be devastating.

Tidy - this idea of number swapping is so so clever!!

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 01/08/2021 18:52

Whether he blocked her or not doesn't seem important if he still has love in his heart for her.

So, even if he did block her, does it change anything?

Valhalla17 · 01/08/2021 18:56

Could he have been out with her? It sounds to me like he has reflected on a conversation they had recently and then followed up with this on his way home etc.

Fullofglee · 01/08/2021 18:58

Honestly op hand on your heart do you think he would have stayed if it wasn't for your toddler? It sounds like the case here. 2 years gone and he's still in love with her, I'd question if it ever ended or the very least they have stayed in contact. You will never trust and this is the utilmate betrayal.

Mountaingoatling · 01/08/2021 18:59

I don't think those are the first messages in two years.

You don't say I love you to someone you've not spoken to in two years and who may be with someone else

Also, he didn't say I need you, he said, I do need you, which sounds like it's a reply to something said earlier (you already know he deletes their messages)

Finally, booty calls don't begin like this.

I am sorry and of course am just speculating, but these don't sound like isolated messages to me.

5togo · 01/08/2021 19:00

That’s really hurtful.

Did she reply?

MyMabel · 01/08/2021 19:03

Everyone saying it’s a drunken text.

To me, a drunk mind speaks a sober heart. There was thought and planning to getting his phone, finding her contact and taking those drunken minutes to send that text “I’m in love with you” - albeit intoxicated, but conscious thought still went into this.

This man chose to send a “I’m in love with you” text to not his wife, but to his old affair. If he were an honest man that text would’ve made it way to your phone, not hers.

I’d get your ducks in a row, by staying you’re only making yourself a subtle for hurt and deceit.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2021 19:03

Op, he told her he loved her, he wishes to be with her, how much more are you going to take?

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