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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 03/08/2021 18:27

The drinking didn’t mean he sent the text.... it meant he forgot to hide his tracks

Pollypocket89 · 03/08/2021 19:18

Are you being over the top??! Re read your posts x

MadMadMadamMim · 03/08/2021 19:22

That would be me done for good.

You gave him a second chance for the sake of your toddler. He could not give less of a shit. He's not putting much effort into 'making it work'.

Stop making excuses about him being a lightweight with alcohol - he's a lightweight full stop.

mynameisbrian · 03/08/2021 19:25

bollocks to that shit, he had a fling, he has been back in touch advising he loves and needs her. What more do you need? I have zero tolerance to dirty cheats, I would have had his back packed and told him to FO

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 19:35

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top

Honestly I think this is irrelevant.
It’s fine to still be friends with ex’s (when he’s nit still in love with her) but he seems the type to save her number under a different name so I wouldn’t trust him even if you saw him delete it.

nocoffeenobooze · 03/08/2021 19:40

@toocold54

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top

Honestly I think this is irrelevant.
It’s fine to still be friends with ex’s (when he’s nit still in love with her) but he seems the type to save her number under a different name so I wouldn’t trust him even if you saw him delete it.

She's not an ex! She's was the other woman when he had an affair!!!
Millionnewnames · 03/08/2021 19:51

What I would do. And I’m known for being a bit extreme …
Is buy a burner phone. Cheapest one in Tesco’s. Pop a sim in. Then go into his phone and change her number to that one. Then message him and ask what he meant. See what happens . If he thinks you’re her you’ll get the truth and thats probably the only way you will.

nocoffeenobooze · 03/08/2021 19:52

@Millionnewnames

What I would do. And I’m known for being a bit extreme … Is buy a burner phone. Cheapest one in Tesco’s. Pop a sim in. Then go into his phone and change her number to that one. Then message him and ask what he meant. See what happens . If he thinks you’re her you’ll get the truth and thats probably the only way you will.
This is actually a brilliant idea!!
toocold54 · 03/08/2021 19:57

She's not an ex! She's was the other woman when he had an affair!!!

I know but OP said about not having her number in his phone but I think it’s irrelevant as he could just save it under a different name anyway, so I wouldn’t be focusing on that part I’d be focusing just on the text. I didn’t explain myself very well.

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 19:58

What I would do. And I’m known for being a bit extreme

But what can he say that is worse than what he’s already said to this women? I don’t think OP needs to even do that as you don’t tell someone you’re in love with them if you don’t mean it.

HollyStripes · 03/08/2021 20:00

Yes part of me is clinging onto it being a drunken message and meaning nothing

I personally dont give exes who mean nothing to me another thought, even when drunk. But "the one that got away" always comes to my mind. Despite being 15 years since I broke up with him. I've typed a message out to him a few times and then, thank god, deleted it. I think you should be getting your ducks in a row and heading off OP.

If I was you I would get a PAYG sim (£1 in most pound shops) and change her number in his phone to that one. Block her actual number so she cant contact him and then wait for a text from him if youre unsure whats going on.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2021 20:03

@lilmishap

I'm not convinced it's proof he loves her, most of us have sent hugely embarrassing texts when drunk, We don't mean what we say which is why those texts are embarrassing. He deleted it without knowing you'd seen it.

He's obviously thinking/reminiscing about her which could be proof he hasn't been interacting with her. You don't miss people you interact with regularly.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing ...... yet.

Um what now? He deleted it to hide the evidence and very likely her response too, he just didn’t do it when he was drunk.
Millionnewnames · 03/08/2021 20:04

@toocold54
You’re right of course. He’s done enough. However , personally I find it easier to move on if I have truth and closure. Like, was it something he randomly sent drunk? A moment of madness or is it that he’s been chatting to her ever since. I’d bin him off either way I think, but I’d want to know.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 20:19

Um what now? He deleted it to hide the evidence and very likely her response too, he just didn’t do it when he was drunk

Why would he hide it? He still has OWs number in his phone so clearly doesn't believe OP is checking up on him.

It's just as likely to be embarrassment that he sent such a desperate drunken text it as it is to be hiding texts from from his wife (who doesn't check his phone).

Easiest way to find out is to ask him

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 20:25

you don’t tell someone you’re in love with them if you don’t mean it

I have. Many times. Always at silly o clock and I usually forget all about it within minutes until the next day when I see it and cringe for weeks.

Honeyroar · 03/08/2021 20:25

It doesn’t matter whether it was drunken, whether he loves her, whether he just wanted to shag her or even just talk to her. What matters is that he nearly broke his family apart having an affair, you’ve given him a chance to try again and he’s STILL in contact with her, thinking about her and lying to you. He’s blown his second chance imo…

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 21:11

You’re right of course. He’s done enough. However , personally I find it easier to move on if I have truth and closure. Like, was it something he randomly sent drunk? A moment of madness or is it that he’s been chatting to her ever since. I’d bin him off either way I think, but I’d want to know.

Yes that makes sense. Like how far is he really willing to go with her if she wanted the same.

DixonD · 04/08/2021 00:12

@WhenPushComesToShove

Love PP's idea of getting a cheap phone and changing her number to number of your new phone so that any future contacts will come to you. Absolutely brilliant idea. So sorry you are going through this. It's clear , he doesn't value you in the way that he should. The question is, are you prepared to put up with it. Can't help but think staying is going to be painful. good luck
The swapping numbers thing will only work until the OW sends him a message. Then he’ll know the number has been changed. It’s a great idea if she’s not been messaging him and he’s the only one making contact.
DixonD · 04/08/2021 00:14

@dwisfh

Changing her number in his phone would only work if he sends texts, he would know as soon as he went on whatsapp that its not her number..
And only if the OW doesn’t contact him - her number would no longer have a name assigned to it!
Anordinarymum · 04/08/2021 00:18

No, he should not have her in his bloody 'phone OP.

If I were you I would get his bastard 'phone and delete her number. See what happens after that then

Assistanceplz · 04/08/2021 00:34

Sorry that his is happening to you. First thing that came to mind when I finished reading your post was that you seem to want to see the good in your husband and want to find a reason to forgive him or excuse him even for his message to her.

Even if he was drunk and he regretted sending the message, he still sent it, also it was quite an intense message.

You tried, you took him back for the sake of your toddler but that toddler will one day grow up and have their own life and do you want to be wasting yours away on someone who is in love with someone else?

Do what’s right for you x

Onthedunes · 04/08/2021 00:46

The problem with changing numbers on the phone is whattsapp if there is a picture, unless you replicate that.

Or if she has a partner/husband change her number in his phone to her husbands.(if you have it)

That should be fun.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 03:32

@greatwhatnow

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top
No it isn't, you are right to think that way.

I'm so sorry, what a shock for you. See what he says and then make some plans.

Flowers
Frannibananni · 04/08/2021 03:43

It doesn’t matter that he was drunk, It doesn’t matter that he still has her contact in his phone. It matters that you will never trust him again because he is untrustworthy. It matters that he does not value you enough not to contact her. It matters he believes he is in love with her. (Or he thinks he can con her into a sneaky shag) Do you want a marriage like that for the rest of your life? Your happiness and self worth matter more than anything else.

SamVimes6 · 04/08/2021 05:17

I’m so sorry to read what you have been through, what you are presently going through and what you will go through in the future. But your marriage is over, you can prolong the agony but you will never fully recover.

Once you no longer have trust. You no longer have a relationship.

How can you trust a man after giving him a second chance and finding “I love you” texts?

For what it’s worth, my best friend had an affair with a married man in the 1980’s. After his wife found out the affair ended. Then it resumed again and continued for most of the 1990’s.
The unfaithful man and his wife and family moved right out of the area but with Facebook he tracked my friend down and messaged her via the old school page. Some 30+ years later he was phoning her and messaging her again.
It was traumatic for my friend as he had moved again and it turned out they were witching spitting distance if each other but she was very happily married and wasn’t interested so she blocked him.