Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
MyMabel · 01/08/2021 19:04

A subtle = available

TragicKingdom · 01/08/2021 19:08

I'm so sorry this has happened. I can imagine how much it has hurt after all this time. It's so hard when someone we love betrays us. Whatever you decide to do I'm sending you big cwtches ❤.

Sampafie · 01/08/2021 19:09

The worst thing you could do is have another baby with him. His heart clearly isnt yours. Right now hes too coward to do it but eventually he will leave

LowlandLucky · 01/08/2021 19:09

Your marriage is a sham, he is with you because he feels he should be but his heart lies elsewhere. I went through a sham marriage and my children ended up so hurt. Walk away, you only have one life, please don't waste it.

rjacksmiss · 01/08/2021 19:13

I'd have smashed his phone into a thousand pieces and packed his shit up.

What a horror.

Sorry Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2021 19:13

How many chances are you willing to give this lying, cheating shitbag? You should have left him the first time, but now it's the second time. He's out the door, surely?

fantasmasgoria1 · 01/08/2021 19:13

I think you should end the relationship. He has gone too far. You looked and you saw what you saw. You will always be wondering does he really want to be with me or does he prefer her etc. If I had seen what you had I would have told him straight away and ended it.

candlelightsatdawn · 01/08/2021 19:16

I think it matters if he's told you about the message without you having to ask ?

If he's hiding it and doesn't come clean it shows his mentality going forward.

Ducks in a row ! Toddler or not you deserve better xxx

Graphista · 01/08/2021 19:24

In vino veritas op

Relationship is over I'm afraid as he cannot be trusted

He shouldn't even have her number at this stage

OurChristmasMiracle · 01/08/2021 19:28

Honestly @greatwhatnow the fact that he still even has her number 2 years on shows you he has no regard for you or your feeling and he has kept her contact details which indicates he planned to contact her at some point

AnyFucker · 01/08/2021 19:30

Op, you need to be aware it is likely they have been in contact all along

1forAll74 · 01/08/2021 19:30

Some people go around saying I love you,in drunken text messages, when they are drunk and stupid, but never the less, he seems to have been tempted by this person,

bigbaggyeyes · 01/08/2021 19:33

It would be the final straw for me, I wouldn't give a shit if he was drunk or not. He's had his second chance. Game over, bye!

5128gap · 01/08/2021 19:38

Whether this causes further trust issues would be almost incidental to me, as would how drunk he was or whether or not the affair was ongoing. He told another woman he loves and needs her. That would be enough for me I'm afraid.

BrilliantBetty · 01/08/2021 19:39

You know what it said and what that means.
He is not over it. He wants her. He thinks about her. He can't let it go. He doesn't want you to know this, of course.

Don't minimise this or make excuses. You need to leave him and you know it. You should have thrown him out as soon as you saw the messages. You don't need to wait for any further reason / evidence, it's done, you have the reason you need to end this relationship.

Giotto479 · 01/08/2021 19:40

Oh I am so so sorry for you. It’s game over for you two. That message said it all. Don’t waste any more of your time. Using his drunkenness may give you a glimmer of hope but it’s just an excuse. He is gone from you.

spooney21 · 01/08/2021 19:48

Did you take a picture of the messages in case he tries to deny?

I think this would be game over for me. You gave him a chance before and he's blew it. I don't think I would ever have trusted him after the affair, never mind now.

MrsMaizel · 01/08/2021 20:04

My ex H was the same - sat there and deleted all traces of her on his phone ( she was in the same friendship group) but they resumed phoning each other to ask how they were 🙄 as had no one else to talk to about the ending of it 🙄🙄🙄 . He even bought a separate phone .This is why he is an ex . It takes people a long time to get over an affair and some never do .

TheTallOakTrees · 01/08/2021 20:31

That's hurtful.

He still has her as a contact and loves her.
It's end of the marriage for most people.

You can survive this and come out stronger. He isn't worth it.

Shahira78 · 01/08/2021 20:32

You're hoping this is a 'drunk text'? Why?

This would make it worse. Vino veritas. He really means it. I'm so sorry.

WhenPushComesToShove · 01/08/2021 20:38

Love PP's idea of getting a cheap phone and changing her number to number of your new phone so that any future contacts will come to you. Absolutely brilliant idea. So sorry you are going through this. It's clear , he doesn't value you in the way that he should. The question is, are you prepared to put up with it. Can't help but think staying is going to be painful. good luck

YeokensYegg · 01/08/2021 20:39

He may have been in contact with her the entire time.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/08/2021 20:53

Sounds like they've been in contact all along, he's just in the habit of deleting their convos. I'd get a STI check if you've been having unprotected sex.

Sorry OP. You can say hand on heart that you've tried to move past it and keep the family intact. He's thrown it in your face. What a shit.

Peach01 · 01/08/2021 21:03

How dare he. He could've woke up feeling disgust and embarrassment so quickly deleted it, but he should not have any means of contacting her, vice versa.

It most likely was a drunk text, but in the sense that it wouldn't have been sent had he been sober and been able to use better judgement. With the history, there's no room for 'drunk texts' that have nothing more to it. Why would you bother?

The fact he has her number, has the opportunity to get in touch with her when he knows it will jeopardise his marriage isn't on. I imagine there will be a lot of questions in your head and worry about her responding. I wouldn't be accepting alcohol as an excuse for him to reignite something. He should want nothing to do with her.

LionSGuard · 01/08/2021 22:47

Sorry OP that would literally be game over for me. How are you ever supposed to regain even the smallest amount of trust back now, for the second time?

I wouldn't want to live wondering like this all of the time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread