Husband contacted HER.

[greatwhatnow]

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP I was on the thread that some other people have linked to and recognise you as the same poster due to obsessing over the number being saved. You're making yourself ill over this and it's so unhealthy. I feel terrible youve been struggling with this for so long but you have to try to make a decision either way. I don't think your relationship is healthy or happy and so I don't think you can be either of those things for as long as you stay with him.

Yes I agree = this sounds exactly the same obsession and the same way of responding .

Did you ever confront him?

If having the number is such a problem (which it should be) why is that not enough on it's own?
Keeping the number of this woman isn't an oversight.

He kept the number on purpose. So he could contact her whenever he wanted. Because he's not done with her.

If he was and wanted to work on his marriage he would have blocked and deleted her.

Get some counselling. Sort yourself out. Leave if you need to.

Drunk = reduced inhibitions and increased honesty.

But you know this.

Good luck with navigating your life together as I don't think you want to leave.

But drunk may also = detachment from reality and heighten the fantasy of the "one that got away" .

The important question might be what is missing in a relationship where one person is having fantasies about a third party .

You’re stalling OP. You don’t want to confront him because you know the marriage is over. Forget about the technicalities of keeping the number.

He told another woman he loves her.

That’s it. That’s everything. For me, it wouldn’t matter who it was, drunk, not drunk, who’s number, how long he’d had it…that would be the end and it should be for you too. You gave him a chance and he blew it. He loves somebody else. You are second choice. The consolation prize. It’s no way to live surely. You deserve better than this. Demand better. Have someone who writes to you when they are drunk

I also recognised this poster as the original poster who was pregnant and now obviously has a toddler, it's the same unmistakeable style of writing. Back then I didn't contribute and left without finishing reading because it was beyond frustrating.

I don't think anyone could get through to the OP because it's obviously a manifestation of a mental health issue, it's on a same level as OCD. Whatever anyone says, she has this revolving thought/obsession which she is hooked on and would come back to it again and again and would never confront her DH.

OP, there is no point creating threads about it and frustrating people - if you want things to change find a proper therapist and show them all of your threads that you created about it. I would actually recommend you get a family constellations practitioner(loads of people may dismiss it as woo but in my experience it's by far the most effective method compared to conventional therapy).

OP, you should understand that you will be in the grips of this "number is his phone" idea(and similar) for the rest of your life and then look back on your life as an old lady and realise you lived a life where you wasted all your energy feeding this obsession and never had a full bright existence where you could relax and be happy. If you want to change it, it can be done, if you don't want it, just acknowledge to yourself that you are choosing this unhappy existence and live with it.
Acknowledging of reality and that it is your own choice would actually bring you some relief compare to behaving as if you are just a total victim of circumstances/your DH's behaviour.

You have responsibitity for your own happiness, not your DH. Keeping your partner on a short leash would make anyone want to run away - your DH obviously has issues too, were he healther he'd have put a stop to it ages ago. You are pushing him to long for another woman behaving like a guard dog. You don't have a right to anyone's heart, including your DH's. If you truly love him, try loving without demanding anything in return, and he might respond to that. If you are just using him as a breadwinner/roof over your head while you have small children, acknowledge it and realise you don't really love him and it's only natural he isn't happy to be with a woman who isn't with him out of love but for all sorts of self-esteem issues and fears...