Husband contacted HER.

[greatwhatnow]

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

@lilmishap for me, texting your ex mistress for any reason is cheating. If it was all above board he wouldn’t have deleted it. The content of the message is shattering.

OP I’m so sorry, this must be devastating. Don’t let him do this to you again. You gave him a chance and sadly he didn’t take it. His remorse wasn’t real. This will be repeated your whole life through and as you pointed out, constantly wondering who he’s texting each time his phone beeps will destroy you and is no way to live. Take great care of yourself OP. X

Thanks everyone. If he was done with her I feel like her number would have been deleted. It's a risk being in his phone!

@greatwhatnow

Thanks everyone. If he was done with her I feel like her number would have been deleted. It's a risk being in his phone!

He obviously couldn't let go. You really need to talk to him about the whole situation and make your decision

Has he explained why he still has it in his phone?

The risk isn’t having her number in his phone, the risk is he’s not interested in commuting to your marriage and think it’s acceptable to text/fuck someone else.

OP I'm sorry ,that's a horrible shock .

I'm not so clear cut as most people - I think it's quite possible that he has hung on to a rose tinted and sentimental view of this woman ,easily done if he's not longer in touch with her .And that in a drunken haze he's texted her .

Talk to him and try and work out where you both are .

"dreamersdown Sun 01-Aug-21 18:51:28
TidyOmlette

Oh OP I’m so sorry. They do say the truth comes out when drunk. If it was me I’d do as advised above and start quietly making plans to leave. I would pretend everything was fine and get as much sorted as you can including proof of any future messages.

I would also get a really cheap pay and go with a different number secretly change it in his phone to her name so if he was to text again it would come straight to you.

OP, I’m so sorry, this must be devastating.

Tidy - this idea of number swapping is so so clever!!"

but ,when the OW gets a text from him it will come through as an unknown number and she'll either ignore it or twig .

If you need some sort of closure, you can try and get it

Go into his phone. Change her number to 'plumber' or something inoccusous and then block it, so she can't contact him

Then put in the number of your burner sim with her name, and reply 'do we need to talk? I want to know what you meant with that message' or similar, and see where it goes

The risk is that they've already been speaking all day every day this week and he has been deleting the messages but either way, blocking her number in his phone buys you a bit of time whether you're going to stay or go

@peridito

"dreamersdown Sun 01-Aug-21 18:51:28 TidyOmlette

Oh OP I’m so sorry. They do say the truth comes out when drunk. If it was me I’d do as advised above and start quietly making plans to leave. I would pretend everything was fine and get as much sorted as you can including proof of any future messages.

I would also get a really cheap pay and go with a different number secretly change it in his phone to her name so if he was to text again it would come straight to you.

OP, I’m so sorry, this must be devastating.

Tidy - this idea of number swapping is so so clever!!"

but ,when the OW gets a text from him it will come through as an unknown number and she'll either ignore it or twig .

NO, it means his messages to OW won't get to her at all, they'll go to the burner phone

oh good heavens! yes of course !

now that it is indeed clever ! (unlike me )

Drunken minds speak sober thoughts

I'm just playing devils advocate here - I'm trying to see things from all angles. If he stopped communicating with her but kept her number, that doesn't make any sense at all

Are you the person who posted before with a long saga of her dp keeping the number of the ap?

You’re focusing on the wrong thing.

He’s keeping the number because he wants it in his back pocket, so he can contact her when he wants. It really is that simple.

He’s staying with you because he thinks he should, because it’s the right thing to do, but what he actually WANTS to do is going to bleed out of him through little actions like this. Once someone is on this trajectory there’s very little anyone else can do.

If he’s choosing to keep her number he’s choosing to do what he WANTS (I.e her) whilst paying lip service to being a decent person (staying with you). Make no mistake though, his focus is elsewhere.

No. I've posted on here before but it was about spam hmrc calls and that was my old username because I got locked out of my account.
The reason I asked was I know plenty of people keep numbers they don't use, but this is a different situation

Her number is loaded with meaning in a way that ‘that guy mark from work who you used to play squash with’ is not loaded.

Is he hasn’t deleted it, the absence of action has meaning, imo. It indicates his intention. The process of deciding to give your relationship another go, absolutely means deleting the ow number. That’s baseline.

He text her saying he loves her when he was drunk. That tells you all you need to know doesn't it?

This is a v similar thread, I think (maybe) it’s the one I was thinking of, I would have a root round and see if any of it resonates as it’s happening to someone else it might be easier to see the wood from the trees.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3901324-thread-2-ow-emotional-affair-pregnant

He is keeping his options open and probably contacts her but deletes messages before you see them. Drunk has nothing to do with it. The sentiment is the same. It would be over for me. I don't want to be second best

The fact he deleted these messages but not the number, tells you everything you need to know. Did you take a pic of these messages? I bet he'd deny their existence when confronted

@Maunderingdrunkenly
Yep I thought the exact same thing , I remember this thread very well. Like that poster Op seems very hung up on the fact their DH kept the OW’s number in his phone
Op read that link , you are either that same poster or in an almost identical situation.
He has the number because it’s very likely that he’s still talking to her. As myself and others have said look at that message ,
I’m in love with you
I do need you
You don’t send a message saying I do need you to someone after 2 years with no contact, the word do changes the sentence. It’s almost a reinforcement, like she’s said ‘ you don’t need me’ he’s replied with I do need you, iyswim .
He is with you in person , but his heart is with someone else. If it wasn’t he’d have got rid of her number and concentrated 100% on working on your relationship. He’s chosen not to do that, in essence putting his need to have contact with her above your need to have her out of his life

I have to confess before I posted here I did put in a few key words and I saw that thread. I didn't read that entire thing but I don't want to end up like that. The poor op, I really felt her pain.

Yes I feel it is a dealbreaker. I just wanted to make absolutely sure that him keeping her number whether he's calling her every 5 mins or not at all and it's just laying there for no reason gathering dust, that he shouldn't have it

@greatwhatnow

I have to confess before I posted here I did put in a few key words and I saw that thread. I didn't read that entire thing but I don't want to end up like that. The poor op, I really felt her pain.

Yes I feel it is a dealbreaker. I just wanted to make absolutely sure that him keeping her number whether he's calling her every 5 mins or not at all and it's just laying there for no reason gathering dust, that he shouldn't have it

Keeping her number is the dealbreaker?? And not that he text her saying he still loves her???

I just wanted to make absolutely sure that him keeping her number whether he's calling her every 5 mins or not at all and it's just laying there for no reason gathering dust, that he shouldn't have it
He shouldn't have it. Changing her number in his phone would prevent him from being to reach her (most likely) but it doesn't change his desire to contact her and that's what the real problem is. The change needs to come from him. He shouldn't want to have anything to do with her while he's in a committed relationship.

I think you're clutching at the straw of...if he deletes her number all is fine.

It's what he's already done that it is the problem.

You need to face up to what he's been feeling and doing these last two years.

Deleting the number now is not the issue or solution.

As I have said I don't want to end up like that other op. I actually reached out to her. I'm trying to stop all of this before there is any sort of spiral.

This is my view: he shouldn't have her number. Period. All I meant in my previous post was EVEN IF he wasn't speaking to her, it still shouldn't be in his phone