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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
wrinklesandcream · 02/08/2021 07:43

Hello
How are you today?
Did you confront your oh

wrinklesandcream · 02/08/2021 07:56

Sometimes people don't want to confront this sort of thing and pretend they never saw it.
Are you feeling like this and trying to block it out in your mind?
It's a horrible devastating position to be in as you gave him another chance. I feel very sad for you. I am in a similar but different situation and am with my oh but he is still in regular contact with his lady friend through his work every week.
He had alway denied affair but my gut says otherwise. I feel anxiety every day but keep inside but so unhealthy for me.not same situation but some aspects are.
Let us know how you are?

HowdyDudey · 02/08/2021 07:57

Oh OP what a shocker for you.
What time did he send them and what time did you read them? I think it’s telling she’s not replied. That to me suggests perhaps they’ve not been in regular contact since.

All of that is by the by though. He’s proven he can’t be trusted. Getting a PAYG number and changing her contact details to it might give you more of an idea of frequency and type of contact. But really, even this drunken contact is once too many.

mamnotmum · 02/08/2021 08:04

I'm afraid I would leave him. I couldn't have got over the affair in the first place though.

A relationship without trust seems impossible to me.

You can blame the drink, you can put it down as a one off, you can try to justify it but deep down you know he made the decision to write those texts and say those things.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 02/08/2021 08:26

Looking at that text, personally I don’t see it as a once off message. It’s almost like she’s had a strop of some sorts, could be anything really, and he’s reassuring her.
I’m in love with you.
I do love you.
It just seems a very strange message to just send someone after 2 years just off the bat. You already know he’s a liar and a cheat and deletes his messages with her. Of course it could just be a one off and they haven’t been speaking recently.
Regardless of everything he’s telling another woman he’s in love with her. Really it’s time to get your shit together and LTB. Don’t let your child grow up with this relationship being the one that they will accept as being the norm.

wrinklesandcream · 02/08/2021 09:08

Even though I'm in situation similar as said I have never seen any evidence of him saying he loves anyone and even though I've got reasons for no trust now but still there if he said he loved someone else that would be it for me

Redtartanshoes · 02/08/2021 09:14

Interesting you type HER but not HUSBAND…. And you attempt to minimise his behaviour by blaming his drinking.

He contacted her. Your husband messaged another woman, the woman HE had an affair with.

Polkadots2021 · 02/08/2021 09:15

OP having a loving partner, a loving home and a lovely toddler is what people the world over dream of, and he's out drunk texting an affair partner, so on one level the relationship is over whatever you decide. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. He's unbelievably lucky to have you and his little.one and he doesn't deserve you.

AllyBama · 02/08/2021 09:28

Oh my heart broke for you reading that. After an affair and then his first night out, that’s where his mind goes to? He didn’t even booty call/text her. He loves her.

I would be packing his stuff and tell him that she can have him.

SeasonFinale · 02/08/2021 09:35

I suspect he never finished the relationship and it is ongoing

MintMatchmaker · 02/08/2021 09:54

That text was not a drunken mistake. His drunken mistake was obviously forgetting to delete it.

It is also not a text sent after 2 years of no contact.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but you really need to be honest with yourself about your marriage.

dwisfh · 02/08/2021 13:05

Changing her number in his phone would only work if he sends texts, he would know as soon as he went on whatsapp that its not her number..

VeganCow · 02/08/2021 13:09

Change her number to yours, or better a spare sim?

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2021 13:11

He's a cunt and you can do better. You'll never be able to trust him.

PearlFriday · 02/08/2021 13:13

Well that's pretty unambiguous. :-/

At least you're not trying to figure out what it means.
It's obvious what it means and you cannot possibly doubt your reaction.

londonscalling · 02/08/2021 16:21

Did you husband go out with friends last week or do you think he may have met up with her?

Mxflamingnoravera · 02/08/2021 16:29

I would go back to his phone and delete her number. See if he gets agitated. And start planning the duck rows.

I am so sorry this has happened it must feel like a kick in the teeth.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 02/08/2021 17:34

Hi everyone. Thank you so much for all your replies. Yes I agree that if it was over he would have deleted her contact. You're all absolutely right I can't live a life wondering who he is speaking to every time it says 'online' on his WhatsApp. It's no way to live.

I need to figure out my next steps. I haven't confronted him mainly because I wasn't sure I was ready to because I couldn't form a thought in my head due to the shock. I just don't want any bullshit excuses. The fact is even if he was drunk, that's no excuse, he shouldn't even have the ability to message her.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/08/2021 17:47

It’s ok to not want to address it, and I am sure you know she likely responded and that was deleted with his messages. Is there a reason other than shock is it fear of being alone that is making you say nothing?

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 03/08/2021 18:02

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/08/2021 18:03

@greatwhatnow

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top
I really don’t understand why you’re concerned about that when he’s texting her and telling her he loves her. And then deleting it so you can’t see it and likely her response?

It does seem the least of the issue?

DoingItMyself · 03/08/2021 18:11

@greatwhatnow

I feel like he shouldn't even have her contact in his phone or is that me being over the top
Looks like he's in love with her and finding ways to spend time with her - or he wants to.

It's natural for you to want to save your relationship with your child's father but it looks like this has gone too far. He had an affair. How do you know it ever really ended? No-one would trust him under those circumstances. Don't fight to overcome what your instincts are telling you.

5128gap · 03/08/2021 18:15

I agree that him retaining her number and even texting her isn't the issue. The issue is he loves someone else. If he had deleted her number you would only be changing his behaviour not his feelings.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 18:19

If she hasn't replied and he's deleted it I'm inclined to think it's a regrettable text he sent.
It doesn't sound as if it's part of a 'conversation' it sounds like trying (and failing) to get a response from her.

Could she have blocked him?

It's still shit but this isn't proof he's carried on cheating, it is proof that he's a nobhead who texts her when drunk and thats not gonna change though.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 18:24

I'm not convinced it's proof he loves her, most of us have sent hugely embarrassing texts when drunk, We don't mean what we say which is why those texts are embarrassing. He deleted it without knowing you'd seen it.

He's obviously thinking/reminiscing about her which could be proof he hasn't been interacting with her. You don't miss people you interact with regularly.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing ...... yet.