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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/08/2021 18:45

He kept the number because he wants to contact her. He's told her he's in love with her. What more do you need?

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 19:03

@pinkyredrose tbh I'm hoping that was just a drunk slip, prt of me hopes - but then the other part of me agrees with you, that he wouldn't keep her number unless he wanted to stay intouch

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/08/2021 19:11

Thing is, even if it was a drunk slip he still wrote those words.

Are you going to speak to him? Just make sure you know where you stand legally and financially.

HelenHywater · 08/08/2021 19:16

I don't understand your logic - that it's the fact his number is in his phone that is the issue.

he wrote that message to her. He could have done it on a burner phone, or sent an email, or via instagram. But he wrote the message to her. He loves her and misses her. (or feels it's appropriate to tell her that).

I think you need to start to accept that. Chuck him out and get some distance and think about this. It's unacceptable surely?

girlmom21 · 08/08/2021 19:48

[quote greatwhatnow]@pinkyredrose tbh I'm hoping that was just a drunk slip, prt of me hopes - but then the other part of me agrees with you, that he wouldn't keep her number unless he wanted to stay intouch [/quote]
You don't declare your feelings for someone like that in a drunken slip up if you're married and your affair has been over for years. I'm sorry.

MrsMaizel · 08/08/2021 19:53

What have you actually done about this ?

Lolabray · 08/08/2021 20:44

I am really sorry to read this. It sounds like he is still hankering over this person. That is awful for you. My advice is to get out while you can if this has devastated you you actually deserve better. I’m walking proof of leaving a similar relationship with small children for the same reason. It is hard at first but how can you trust this person now?

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 20:59

@Lolabray I'm sorry to hear you've experienced similar but I do hope things are ok now?

I think what I'm scared of is him gaslighting me by saying something like i was drunk it was a mistake' - that's why I'm asking if it was over that her number would be erased etc or if he didn't 'need her' that her number would have been erased and not laying there for zero reason.

I hope you're ok and in a better situation now Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 21:01

@girlmom21 yes I am with you on this. Do I think they have been talking consistently for two years? No. But do I think he has spoken to her within two years? Yes, definitely

OP posts:
NotTodaySatanNotToday · 08/08/2021 21:22

You seem more concerned he has kept her number than what he said in the text.
I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'
Hes obviously keeping her number for a reason and the text shows that reason. I'd be well rid, regardless of the text had a recipients name ot not

Peach01 · 08/08/2021 21:29

He should be fully expecting your wrath for this and alcohol may have contributed but it cannot be used as an excuse. There's no excuse. There should have been a conscious effort from him to erase every trace of her, move on and do whatever it takes to make this up to you and your child. He hasn't done this OP. Don't let him play this down when you confront him. It's a kick in the teeth that he's kept her number in the first place and it's a twist of the knife that he's even contemplated getting in touch with her, never mind following through with it.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 21:32

@NotTodaySatanNotToday tbh if it was just a drunk thing - I could maybe move forward as we have a lot to lose. That's only if it was a drunk text.
That's why it may come across that I'm more concerned that he has her number because having it says he might do it again

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 21:33

@Peach01 thank you. Yep if he had deleted her number after sending the message I feel like there may have been a chance to move forward

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 08/08/2021 21:35

I don’t understand why you are so focused on whether he should have kept the number or not. He did keep it and what’s more he told somebody else that he was in love with her. That is all that matters. It wasn’t a drunk slip, well he might have been drunk, but that can be what it takes to bring the truth out.

Lolabray · 08/08/2021 21:51

Been through the same and I’m twelve years on and caught him out by emailing her.. who told me they’d spent a weekend together.. I’ve fought hard to get through things and bring my kids up as a single parent but at least I didn’t have the paranoid thoughts of who is on his phone. I will never fully trust anyone ever again but leaving him was so good for my Peace of mind and not being lied to or mistreated

Thewookiemustgo · 08/08/2021 22:08

What’s he going to do the next time he gets drunk? Do it again? Drunk is no excuse. He should have deleted and either blocked it or changed his number. Drunk enough to not know what he was doing but not drunk enough to be unable to text someone. Hmmm.
To be honest I agree with a poster earlier. Look at what he said.
“I DO need you” etc is not a one off text, it’s a reply. He’s giving reassurance to someone who has accused him of not loving or needing him. There were plenty more messages before this one. It knocks the fact that he still has her number out of the park for me.
I’m so sorry, this is truly horrible.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 08/08/2021 22:13

@Thewookiemustgo I think I must be in shock or something. Yeah I do think there were other messages. I don't care if the messages were 6 mins apart or 6 months apart. To be honest, if they were 6 months apart..for me that would be even worse!

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 08/08/2021 22:15

Please take care of yourself, I know what this stuff feels like.
Sadly, no, it doesn’t matter when it was. If you’ve given him a chance and he blew it, he just doesn’t deserve you. X

clpsmum · 08/08/2021 22:34

Well done on finding out. Kick him out and enjoy the rest of your life without the scumbag

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/08/2021 23:52

He loves her
He needs her

Send him on his way

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 09:24

I know this is maybe beyond the point but I would like to hear from you - say that drunk text never happened and he hadn't been in contact, but still kept her number..does that still speak volumes?

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 09/08/2021 10:16

Yes it does .

Notnowkate · 09/08/2021 10:22

[quote greatwhatnow]@NotTodaySatanNotToday tbh if it was just a drunk thing - I could maybe move forward as we have a lot to lose. That's only if it was a drunk text.
That's why it may come across that I'm more concerned that he has her number because having it says he might do it again [/quote]
It also says he hasn't moved on. That's the bit you should really be worrying about. He kept her number because he wanted it. That decision itself wasn't a drunken accident. It was because he didn't want to let go.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/08/2021 11:21

Sorry, I’d never be able to trust a word he says again, just from his keeping her number. He’d never be able to convince me it was an accident or he didn’t know. Did he promise to delete it, or say that he had? Did he choose to keep it? I couldn’t get past that. So sorry.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 09/08/2021 11:23

@Thewookiemustgo no, no promises have been put on the table..I still haven't said anything to him, which is my fault - I don't know if I'm putting it off but I know I need to.

That's probably why people think I'm focussing on the number too much. Basically regardless whether or not they are speaking - him having her number in his phone is disrespectful to me, our family, our marriage and shows that in some way, he still cares about her

OP posts: