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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband contacted HER.

234 replies

greatwhatnow · 01/08/2021 17:41

Hi everyone.

My husband had an affair two years ago. We wanted to make it work (we have a toddler). I thought it was over between them.

The other night, husband went out for the first time in a long time (due to pandemic etc etc). He's not a big drinker, he's a lightweight it affects him very quickly!

Anyway he came home and left his phone out. I don't know, obviously the trust will always be shaky because of what happened in the past..so I checked it. He messaged her.

'I'm inlove with you'
'I do need you'

I went to bed in a state of shock. When I woke up the next morning I looked at his phone again. The message had been deleted BUT she is still in his contacts.

If he had regretted what he had done, surely he would have deleted her contact/blocked her!?

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:04

@Flyinggeese1 I'm not clutching at straws. I agree with everything people have said. I'm just asking even if he hadn't contacted her, keeping her number means he wants to

OP posts:
Ourlady · 12/08/2021 13:05

Im sorry but I feel like want to shake you to get some sense into you.
Instead of facing the issue head on you are just obsessively focussing on the phone number.
Your husband told another woman he's in love with her. That would be the end of it for me especially with their past history.
Whether he kept the number in his phone or knows it to memory, he still is thinking of her deeply two years later.
I'm sorry that this sounds harsh but you need to get some perspective on this absolutely shitty situation..
He is disrespecting you in a terrible way and needs pulled ip on it and decisions made..

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:05

@Freddy12 agreed. If I was done with someone I had an affair with..I'd at the very least delete their number. Keeping it is keeping that option still open

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:10

@Ourlady it's not harsh. I'm just looking at it from another perspective - it's not be clutching at straws. Whether he messaged her or not the fact her number is in his phone speaks volumes, I was wondering if others agreed that's all

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1 · 12/08/2021 13:10

OK sorry OP maybe I misunderstood.

allthesharks · 12/08/2021 13:15

What he should have done, when you found out about the affair and he committed to staying with you and working on your marriage, was delete her number and cut off all contact. He didn't do that so from when you found out he wasn't fully committed to your marriage. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I think that is the reality.

As a consequence, even if texting the other day was the first time he has, he has now contacted her and what he has said is unforgivable.

I hope you're ok and can find the strength to leave him.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:19

@Flyinggeese1 you haven't so don't apologise. I just wanted to make sure that regardless of him messaging her the bottom line is him having her number which is keeping a door open

OP posts:
Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:29

@allthesharks not harsh, I wanted the truth so I'm honestly thankful. I agree if he wanted her out of his life he'd delete her.

You don't keep a number like that unless you intend on using it

OP posts:
CrepuscularCritter · 12/08/2021 13:32

OP...you seem very focused on exploring the what ifs, rather than acknowledging what has actually happened. Whether you decide to stay or go, your decision needs to be based on what you would gain as well as what you would lose.

You gave him a second chance and he blew it. If you stay, will you always be looking over your shoulder for the next sign of trouble? Will you always want to be checking his phone, and finding out if he is where he said he would be? If you go, will you gain your peace of mind? Will you gain belief in your own power to have standards of behaviour you expect from those in your life? Will you be able to say that you deserve more from a relationship?

Rheia1983 · 12/08/2021 13:45

OP, if I were to be in your situation here is what I imagine/would hope to consider relevant or irrelevant in my decision making process:

Husband cheated: Very terrible, many strikes
Husband kept the OW's number: Not good, another strike but ultimately irrelevant due to what he did next.
Husband gets drunk and pours his love to the OW and that he needs her: Absolutely terrible, LTB
Husband deletes messages to OW: Husband is a cowardly asshole who cannot be honest. Decision to LTB confirmed.

Original poster
greatwhatnow · 12/08/2021 13:46

@Rheia1983 you think it's irrelevant he kept her number?

OP posts:
letitgo2 · 12/08/2021 13:57

It’s not about the phone number. It’s about the fact that your husband declares his love to another woman, a woman he was having an affair with, a woman who he still thinks about 2 years on.
You seem more concerned that he kept the number rather than the fact that he drunk txted her.
Why haven’t you confronted your husband over this? Why are you torturing yourself over the meaning of him keeping her number? Why don’t you just simply ask him or are you afraid of what you might hear?
I think it comes across that you want to stay in this marriage at all costs, if that’s the case stop snooping in your husbands phone because you’re never going to do anything about the information you’ve found apart from driving yourself crazy.
Sorry if this is harsh, but this is your life and you need to decide what you want to do with it instead of being a bystander in your own marriage

Rheia1983 · 12/08/2021 14:06

[quote greatwhatnow]@Rheia1983 you think it's irrelevant he kept her number?[/quote]
Ultimately yes, it would be irrelevant to me.

Would I say that he should have have deleted the number after you agreed to give him a second chance? Yes.

Is it understandable to feel hurt that he kept it? Yes, because he did not break ties to the OW and kept a door open to rekindle or continue the affair.

Would it be irrelevant regarding the decision to leave? Yes.

Were I in your situation, what would be relevant for me is that my husband says he loves another woman and that he needs her and that he did something behind my back despite me giving him a second chance and, therefore, breaking my trust, again.

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 14:11

OP I get where you're coming from with the phone number and I think anyone would be upset to find that their husband had kept the number of a woman they had an affair with. Your imagination could run wild when you know there's means to keep in touch.

The messages he sent were very short although very serious, there was alcohol involved. Would it be clearer if they were detailed discussions between them sober?

You don't know if she responded, only that he deleted them?

I think you were right to look through his phone, you found the smoking gun. If I found the number alone I would be furious. I really do think you need to speak to him now. Alcohol can't be an excuse, he kept her number for a reason and he reached out to her to tell her he loved her. It's unacceptable and shows a blatant disrespect to you and your child.

peoplewatching · 12/08/2021 14:28

I hate to say this, but he most likely deleted the messages because she didn't respond, pride being the issue there (and assuming you would have mentioned any responses).

I don't think it was to avoid you being hurt otherwise he would have made a bit more effort to cover his tracks.

I'm sorry.

Peach01 · 12/08/2021 14:40

I hate to say this, but he most likely deleted the messages because she didn't respond, pride being the issue there (and assuming you would have mentioned any responses).
I agree with this. He didn't want to face it.

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 12/08/2021 15:32

He kept her number and told her he loves her and needs her, I don't know how you can defend this really.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions so you can see now what he truly wants, to get back with the other woman.
I'm sorry op but this is not going to go away, he has permanently broken your trust.
If you want to stay with someone who is so determined to have an affair then you will have to accept you will always come second in your relationship.

natis · 12/08/2021 17:25

The way I see it is:

  1. still having her number in his phone isn't great. However, he could have kept it due to laziness or intent - you'll never know. I too would be completely hung up on this point IF there were no messages

  2. however, the fact is he DID text her to so to me this trumps the fact that he may have kept it "just in case" - he actually acted on it and to me this is much more serious than still having the number saved!!

  3. the fact he sent the texts then deleted them means he's likely text her other times and deleted them too. How would you know?
    If he contacting her via WhatsApp I think you can recover deleted messages or if it's text can you check his phone bill??

  4. to me texts of "I love you" and "I do want you" suggest something much more serious than him sending a drunken text to test the water. I'd suspect much more is happening

Sorry Thanks

TeaChocKitKat · 12/08/2021 18:25

I'm sorry OP. I've not read the full thread but you seem to be obsessing about the fact he's kept her number and what that means. That isn't the issue here.

I've just looked at the contacts in my phone and seen the number of two old flame from about 15 - 20 years ago. It doesn't mean anything. I didn't know thet were still there. I'm never going to use them and it doesnt reflect on my current relationship.
The fact is, he's messaged this woman and told her he loves her. You need to focus on that and what you are going to do about it. I'm sorry.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/08/2021 18:27

OP I was on the thread that some other people have linked to and recognise you as the same poster due to obsessing over the number being saved. You're making yourself ill over this and it's so unhealthy. I feel terrible youve been struggling with this for so long but you have to try to make a decision either way. I don't think your relationship is healthy or happy and so I don't think you can be either of those things for as long as you stay with him.

hopeishere · 12/08/2021 18:29

He's keeping the number because he wants to be in touch with her. It's not over in his head.

HelenHywater · 12/08/2021 18:31

[quote greatwhatnow]@Rheia1983 you think it's irrelevant he kept her number?[/quote]
I think pretty much everyone on this thread has said it's irrelevant and you're focusing on the wrong thing. He told the OW, who he had an affair with, that he loves her. Your relationship is over.

I know this is hard for you, but asking the same question over and over again is not going to get a different answer.

Tiredofbs · 12/08/2021 19:40

Seen a similar thread before, once on this site and also posted on another site. Original poster in these threads keeps cycling back to the fact husband has the other woman’s number and asking the same questions. Very similar circumstances.

Doesn’t matter what anyone writes, she doesn’t listen.

I hope this isn’t you, as no one can get through to that poster and I’ve read hundreds of people try.

natis · 12/08/2021 19:43

@Tiredofbs me too!

Reading through this I'm wondering if the texting even happened or if it's the same OP trying to get views on the fact the number was in his phone.

Would explain why she's so dismissive of her DH texting another woman that he's in love with her and wants to be with her

Sampafie · 12/08/2021 20:25

I think the fact that its been over 2 weeks since OP found that out and she has yet to confront her husband shows she has no intentions of "losing him" to the woman he loves