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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 14/05/2021 21:42

Well, if he’s really going to walk away over this first arguement/upset he’s not someone you want to spend your life with.

He’s probably tired and not wanting to get into another argument, or he might not know how to reply, so might wait until the morning or something.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 21:42

@hannag

Well I just went on WhatsApp and he’s online, so clearly on his phone. It’s getting later so I’m now thinking he just won’t reply. I don’t know why he wouldn’t, maybe he’s just written us off. I’m so fed up and feel like all this is my fault.
Mate, YOU were saying you were considering ending it a few hours ago! Chill. Out. Big. Time.

I don't think you're ready for a healthy relationship because as you say you tend to catasrophise in any relationship.

I think it would do you good to be single and work on yourself before dating again so that next time you are in a clearer headspace and less anxious. It's worth taking the time to do that for the sake of your future wellbeing.

L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 21:42

@hannag

Well I just went on WhatsApp and he’s online, so clearly on his phone. It’s getting later so I’m now thinking he just won’t reply. I don’t know why he wouldn’t, maybe he’s just written us off. I’m so fed up and feel like all this is my fault.
20 minutes ago you said he'd only just got home. Maybe he's reading messages from mates whilst cooking dinner? Maybe he's looking through a work WhatsApp chat? Maybe he's still considering his response.

You need to distract yourself. Go and have a bath or something.
I doubt very much he's written you off, he'll respond when he's ready to.

L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 21:46

@hannag

Two weeks ago he was talking about taking me down to stay with his parents. I don’t get how he can go from that to this after me getting upset over not seeing him. Maybe that was enough for him to totally lose attraction.
Seriously though, from that to what? From that to taking a couple of hours to potentially respond to a text?

You're making a mountain of a molehill.
All he's done is not immediately reply to your text.
That's not an indicator of anything other than the fact that replying to your text is not his priority. Is that such a problem?

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 21:50

He’s replied and been really nice. Not overly chatty but nice. Said he was sorry he wasn’t free because he misses me too and that he appreciates me being patient. He said he ordered flowers this afternoon because he had been thinking of me and they should arrive tomorrow.

So I think it was definitely right to message as he noticed that call wasn’t great last night. I feel like an idiot. And also worryingly have no real confidence that I won’t have a panic like this again. He doesn’t deserve it and I can’t believe I’ve spent the entire day feeling so horrendous.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and patient with my anxiety.

OP posts:
AlfrescoDining · 14/05/2021 21:52

That's a nice reply.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/05/2021 21:53

I get that this is HARD. But you will be ok. Either way. Either he will step up and come and meet you and deal with this. Or you are dodging a bullet.

Try not to think that he is the be all and end all. Totally get that you like him, OP. But if not him, there will be others.....

He’s not the one and only. No one is. Ever.

L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 21:53

@hannag

He’s replied and been really nice. Not overly chatty but nice. Said he was sorry he wasn’t free because he misses me too and that he appreciates me being patient. He said he ordered flowers this afternoon because he had been thinking of me and they should arrive tomorrow.

So I think it was definitely right to message as he noticed that call wasn’t great last night. I feel like an idiot. And also worryingly have no real confidence that I won’t have a panic like this again. He doesn’t deserve it and I can’t believe I’ve spent the entire day feeling so horrendous.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and patient with my anxiety.

I'm pleased he's replied. That sounds like a lovely message.

I really do feel for you. I'm exhausted just reading your threads. You must be utterly drained.

You must look into some support for your anxiety and self-confidence. There must be some counselling available. Or even a self-help book. Why not start a thread on one of the health boards? I'm sure this situation can improve. You both deserve things to be more stable.
Good luck!

TolkiensFallow · 14/05/2021 21:53

Definitely talk about this in therapy. I think you did well to apologise but if it keeps happening you will push him away

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 21:54

I didn’t know there was a health board. I’ve only been on mumsner a few weeks, am I allowed to post on there?

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 14/05/2021 21:55

That's nice of him op.

I hope that settles your mind but in the nicest possible way you really need to deal with your anxious thoughts inside before they come out of your mouth as if that happened with me and my partner too much it would totally put me off.

Flowers are a lovely gesture from him ThanksThanks

Honeyroar · 14/05/2021 21:57

Try to put it behind you now and just move on. If this sort of thing happens again try and remember this time and step back a bit before lashing out, so to speak.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/05/2021 21:59

Missed his reply. He sounds lovely! And like he is really in to you! I would love flowers. Not that bothered about the aesthetic. But the sentiment......(my mom was broken, in a good way, when I got her flowers for Mother’s Day. None of us have much money. Buying you flowers says, I love you beyond all reason! In my opinion.)

L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 21:59

@hannag

I didn’t know there was a health board. I’ve only been on mumsner a few weeks, am I allowed to post on there?
Yes, you can post anywhere. There's a mental health board that seems quite active - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed

That URL is misleading, it's not just about depression. Have a flick through some threads to get the feel of it.

If you want to have a look for other boards, here's the index...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk

Cleverpolly3 · 14/05/2021 22:01

Glad you’ve heard from him
If you are really struggling with anxiety and over analysing things it takes a lot of strength and a leap of faith sometimes. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Accepting, articulating and understanding why things are the way they are for you requires insight and humility which are both very important personal qualities
Tomorrow - as they say - is another day

I hope things work out for you Flowers

Moneyissue101 · 14/05/2021 22:02

He does sound lovely :)

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 22:06

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 14/05/2021 22:09

@hannag

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

Of course you'd like to chat later. Unless you are actually busy. Don't start playing games.
KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 22:13

Don't play the 'I'm busy' game. This isn't he's just not that into you, it's a real bloke with real feelings.

namechange248 · 14/05/2021 22:15

@hannag

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

This is him making an effort to give you the time with him you've made clear you would value - he's asking to chat with you as a way to be close and spend time together even if it can't be in person. Because he CARES and wants to show you. He's listened to what you've said you need from the relationship! Seriously, don't turn him down or play games now.
Horehound · 14/05/2021 22:15

Wtf why would you do that? Just have the call, you've been desperate to speak to him all day.

Jeez!

ExhaustedFlamingo · 14/05/2021 22:15

What @L0bstersLass said - not chatting later is daft if you're free - and it will look like you're still sulking. Playing games is a really bad idea.

The fact he wants to chat shows you that he values your relationship and is probably sorry things ended up a bit chilly last night. Give yourself a stern talking to before you take the call about relaxing and not overreacting, and then enjoy your chat.

Honeyroar · 14/05/2021 22:18

Just tell him you’re tired and going to bed soon but would love a quick chat before bed. Then have a quick chat, ask him how he is, whether he got his work done etc. Don’t drag up the elephant in the room. Just chat about other things and tell him you’re off to bed. And think of other things you’ve done today to talk about rather than this thread and worrying!

RunningFromInsanity · 14/05/2021 22:19

See, this is how a normal healthy relationship should be,
One person is allowed to overreact, make a mistake etc. It’s human.
Then they apologise, the other person accepts.
All back to normal.

Don’t start any silly games now.

(Plus him sending flowers suggests he’s a keeper)

BlueVelvetStars · 14/05/2021 22:21

Glad to see you text him OP .. 🌸