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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 14/05/2021 11:39

I think not apologising is far worse then the original strop.

You are already obsessing over him not texting.

Just accept you made a mistake, apologise and let both of you move on together.

SnarkyBag · 14/05/2021 11:39

Send it your obsessing anyway so you may as well do something to salvage the situation

dreamkitchenhelp · 14/05/2021 11:40

Just bloody apologize, we are all unreasonable at some point.

MarshmallowAra · 14/05/2021 11:42

He sounds extremely career oriented and like he gives a lot of time a d priority to work/career; that's very unlikely to change, in fact it will stay the same or get worse the hugged he goes and more responsibility he has.

You probably wants kids of you haven't got any already (?)

That can be a very hard gig with a partner/coparent who is so work oriented. Lots and lots of potential for frustration, tension, disappointment on your and your kids ..... Put aside the self flagellation for s second and ask yourself if you really wabt a partnership with someone who is do ambitious and career oriented and puts do much time and effort into it.

There are people who have decent jobs but who aren't like this, to this extreme.

MarshmallowAra · 14/05/2021 11:42

*higher not hugger lol

litterbird · 14/05/2021 11:44

Give him some time OP. He's probably really bemused by your reaction and is trying to process what just happened. I would leave it until you can speak to him on the phone. If you are in this anxious state already texting him now will heighten your anxiousness as he may not be able to text back until later with work commitments. Texting can be misconstrued sometimes. The spoken word is more powerful. The alternative is to send him an audio message with your explanation. I am sure you can have a good laugh at this little blip further down the line.

UnFringed · 14/05/2021 11:44

To be fair you are still being needy, over dramatic and stroppy right now?

Just in the opposite way, “testing” him to see if your bad behaviour has made him check out almost, rather than actually recognising and apologising for your actions.

I think maybe the man has dodged a bullet...

MarshmallowAra · 14/05/2021 11:45

Oh and btw noone who is truly invested in a relationship would end it over this incident.

Just say you were v disappointed having planned something nice for you both and acted a bit immaturely.

But let's face it,he's not easy to have a relationship with, with his focus on career anyway.

MarshmallowAra · 14/05/2021 11:47

I think maybe the man has dodged a bullet...

He sounds like a workaholic, maybe op has dodged a bullet.

Family life and men like this don't tend to be super compatible.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 11:48

You do sound very over dramatic OP, are you sure you don't have a tendency to catastrophize?

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 11:50

I also think not apologising is the worse crime. It’s one thing to be a dick. But to know it and then not apologise, is continuing to be a dick

Are you sure you’re not usually this needy op? You’re too scared to text which shows the needy ness is not a one off.

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 11:51

I feel so shit.

He is extremely career focused and to be fair I am too, I can be horrifically compartmentalised when I’m under stress.

Im so so so angry with myself for behaving like a fucking child. Why couldn’t I just be nice to him. Supportive.

He will be exhausted after work today as he finishes at 10pm.

I think he may have lost interest after how I was. Clingy, needy, demanding. It’s so unattractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 11:52

@Bluntness100 maybe I am more needy than I relalise? I’m scared to text him as I know I will obsess all day over it. Pathetic isn’t it.

OP posts:
Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 11:53

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes I always think the worst about everything.

OP posts:
Catkin8 · 14/05/2021 11:55

I think you're making this into a much bigger deal in your head than it really is. If he can't forgive you for it then he's not as great as you think he is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 11:56

[quote hannag]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes I always think the worst about everything.[/quote]
I think it's very difficult to be in a relationship when you're wired that way and it would do you good to have some counselling to try and unravel it / get some coping techniques. CBT could be useful.

It's really hard being in a relationship with someone who catastrophizes as it puts so much pressure on their partner to reassure, be the calm one, be forgiving when things spiral even when an issue is all in the dramatic partners mind.

Whether or not things work out with this guy, I think it's worth trying to work on that properly. Not just thinking 'I'll try not to be that way' but actually committing to getting some proper help to get techniques for coping. There's no shame in that.

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 14/05/2021 11:57

Ffs woman - send him an apology and stop catastrophising. It might help explain your rather OTT reaction if you tell him you had planned a surprise for him which now won't work and your overreacted to that having to go by the wayside.

Horehound · 14/05/2021 11:58

I think he is just giving you space.
He does sound nice, he tried to give you two options but you shit him down!
I think you need to send or call him to apologise.
I think it will all be ok.

ShowMeHow · 14/05/2021 11:58

You are right to send a message apologising for your behaviour due to disappointment and say you have realised it was unreasonable since he didn’t know about the surprise.

It your relationship can withstand such blips without dragging out sulking and recriminations from either of you it will be a good sign.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 11:59

Op just text and apologise for goodness sake. It’s really rude not to and that’s what’s likely to end this. It’s even more unattractive than the initial crime.

billy1966 · 14/05/2021 12:01

OP,
You are human, you behaved childishly, but you are human.

Send your text, it sounds good.

Being able to own your mistake and apologise is crucial in a relationship.

Send it now.

It's only since last autumn and he is busy at work.

He was trying to be flexible.
Just send the text.

Flowers
vdbfamily · 14/05/2021 12:01

You are massively overthinking this. Just apologise and explain. Tell him you had a surprise booked and were just disappointed and over reacted. Then give him space and time and don't chase him for reply. He may have decided you are too needy but surely he had known you for looking enough to know what you are like?

Peridot1 · 14/05/2021 12:03

You need to text him and apologise.

Say something along the lines of your text above. I would say something like “I’m sorry for last night. I was being ridiculous. I was just disappointed. I’m not normally like that - honestly! Have a good day and we’ll talk when we can.”

And then put your phone away!

Florence1960 · 14/05/2021 12:06

Just message him, apologise, tell him you like him a lot and love seeing him. Then just learn from it. If it's the end, that's that. If you see him again, great, just try to be a bit more measured next time. Fingers crossed for you.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/05/2021 12:07

@hannag

I feel so shit.

He is extremely career focused and to be fair I am too, I can be horrifically compartmentalised when I’m under stress.

Im so so so angry with myself for behaving like a fucking child. Why couldn’t I just be nice to him. Supportive.

He will be exhausted after work today as he finishes at 10pm.

I think he may have lost interest after how I was. Clingy, needy, demanding. It’s so unattractive.

You're catastrophising op. Calm down. If this is a one off, it'll blow over. Everyone fucks things up from time to time but now would be a good opportunity to work on improving those bits of yourself that could do with a little effort!