feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

[hannag]

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

@Homer68

Now we'll have seven hours of "he's not replied yet, I feel horrible."

Indeed

Anxiety is awful, but you have to use this as a reason to get help OP. It's no way to live.

Hope this sorts out.

@hannag I'm pulling your leg ! I'm sure it will all work out.

Thank you @Homer68 and @Honeyroar

Good lord OP - you said he wouldn't reply until ten, how have you made this so massive in your head that you're now going to back off a bit from a relationship you say was going really well? You're filling in the gaps with your overactive imagination. He could just be too busy to reply, it's not necessarily 'silence'. And you're still deciding how he feels based on not a lot. In his mind everything could be fine. Stick on a box set and try to stop clock-watching, you're not helping yourself.

@hannag

It’s been read and no reply yet. Feels horrible

If he doesn't reply once he's home I'd be pissed off with him because he's either a cold-hearted b'stard or he simply enjoys playing games and making you feel awful. Hopefully, he'll reply with a nice message soon though.

@ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule I think it’s possible he didn’t think there was a particular issue. But my message was generally nice and acknowledged I was a bit over the top about the weekend, so I didn’t blow it into anything more.

I don’t know how I get myself into these tangles. Usually I keep them to myself and don’t say anything to him or react etc. So I just go through the motions myself. But last time I spoke up and made a fuss so it’s made it all worse.

90% of this is about me. I am far to obsessive and anxious about relationships.

@hannag

It’s been read and no reply yet. Feels horrible

In the nicest possible way, it took you hours to work out what to say to him.

During that time, the conversation you had last night may have been playing on his mind and he may have been wondering what on earth to do/say next.

You cannot reasonably expect an answer from him within 5 minutes. He must be given time to work out what his reaction is to your message and to compose a reply.

Also, you mentioned up the thread that you likely wouldn't get a response until 10pm. I would stick to that in terms of expectation. Reading one message whilst at work is one thing, getting into a potential text conversation is quite another.

You've done the right thing in messaging him and apologising, please don't do anything rash in the next hour or so to spoil it. Let the man finish work, maybe drive home, grab a beer etc before he responds. Remember, you took hours to settle on what you wanted to say.

@L0bstersLass thank you. It’s things like that I need to remind myself of before I panic and start composing further texts. He’ll only just be home to be fair. I’m such an idiot for getting myself into this spin. No good ever comes of being reactive and emotional.

I’m pleased you sent it. Try not to stress that he hasn’t replied immediately - think about how long it took you to formulate it and send it! He may well (if he’s a good guy) be thinking about it, and trying to formulate a kind and honest response.

Seriously, just try and chill now if you can, as @Gazelda said upthread. What’s done is done.

Try and get this in perspective. You didn’t do anything terrible. You just freaked out a little, and that’s natural when you have a first discord with someone in what has seemed to this point like a plain-sailing relationship. Especially if, like me, you have a bit of baggage behind you and don’t handle conflict well. It’s all just about how you handle it a) personally and b) as a couple.

It will hopefully be ok. If it isn’t l, well, you’ve dodged a bullet! So either way you are winning.

Good luck, OP. Gunning for you that he texts back something nice. Might be tomorrow tho. Given the long hours he works.

And if he doesn’t, I entirely understand you will feel a little broken, but also, bullet dodged?

@Lovelydiscusfish thank you. I think you’re right, if he’s not kind back then I’m better off without him. I wasn’t in great form with my attitude last night but it came from a place of missing him. And he knows that.

Dating is tough. I don’t know how I’m going to work on myself to get this sort of thing under control.

Hope he messages back op and you feel better. Anxiety is awful. I overthink everything too so I understand how you’re feeling x

What did your text say op?

I think he will reply and be pleasant but not overly reassuring. That’s what will upset me.

[quote hannag]@L0bstersLass thank you. It’s things like that I need to remind myself of before I panic and start composing further texts. He’ll only just be home to be fair. I’m such an idiot for getting myself into this spin. No good ever comes of being reactive and emotional.[/quote]
I do feel for you because you're clearly very anxious and you recognise yourself that you're "reactive and emotional".

It must be exhausting.

I have no experience of this, so I don't know what kind of help is available. But there must be some. Please speak to your GP to find out what support you can access. Wise MNers may also have suggestions.

You can't carry on like this though. Feeling up and down like a yo-yo and being uncertain of your decision making. It's no good for you at all.

@Bluntness100

What did your text say op?

@Bluntness100 apologised for being whiny and that I had blown it out of proportion, said I was sorry for adding to any stress. Said I hoped he had had a good day and I missed him this week. Paraphrased but essentially that. I sent it by text as didn’t want to see read receipt but turns out he has read receipt on text too

@L0bstersLass I don’t know what the GP could do. They just offer tablets and I don’t think it would help.

I just want to be ok and calm and feel secure in a relationship. He isn’t the best at reassurance to be fair but I’ve felt like this with everyone I’ve ever dated so I’m inclined to think the problem is pretty much all me rather than anyone else

You really need to steel yourself ready to not over react when he hopefully replies. Just send something light back. Perhaps “Nice to hear from you. You must be worn out. Speak to you tomorrow when you’ve had a rest. Hopefully see you soon”.

@hannag

I think he will reply and be pleasant but not overly reassuring. That’s what will upset me.

Try and see it from his point of view. Why should he need to be overly reassuring?

You've been leading him to believe that you're independent and happy. In your OP you were cross with yourself for seeming needy.

I'm afraid that getting upset if someone is not "overly reassuring" is needy.

Try to manage your expectations. He's had a long day at work, he had an emotional discussion with you last night, he's probably been dwelling on it today. He's likely to be knackered.

If I was you I'd settle for just a reply. And if I got one, I'd send a short cheery message back to indicate that I was ok.

Well I just went on WhatsApp and he’s online, so clearly on his phone. It’s getting later so I’m now thinking he just won’t reply. I don’t know why he wouldn’t, maybe he’s just written us off. I’m so fed up and feel like all this is my fault.

Good on you op for texting! My anxiety gets me like that sometimes, I over think so much and hold back from texting or making first contact as I think I need to know he still cares. It's hard!
I hope he gets back to you shortly, but if not just know that you did the right thing by trying to clear the air.

Two weeks ago he was talking about taking me down to stay with his parents. I don’t get how he can go from that to this after me getting upset over not seeing him. Maybe that was enough for him to totally lose attraction.

@Misspacorabanne thank you x

if it's going to last he needs to be able to get over small blips. His career isn't more important than your life.