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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 14/05/2021 18:40

Oh ffs you should probably just end it for his sake. You've got a lot of growing up to do if you can't even apologise when you fuck up

DizzySquirrel90 · 14/05/2021 18:40

@hannag

Is it better to do it in a voice message? Wondering if that’s nicer.
No
DizzySquirrel90 · 14/05/2021 18:41

Your causing a huge thing out of what should simply be an apology.

Apologise and move on.

Anotheruser02 · 14/05/2021 18:41

I think a voice message is nice.

Homer68 · 14/05/2021 18:43

@KurtWilde I said same. She might be secretly enjoying this. She sounds like too much hard work to me. Perhaps the guy has had a lucky escape by the sound of it.

DizzySquirrel90 · 14/05/2021 18:43

Some people like voice messages but in my opinion they are a huge cringe. I detest receiving them.

KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 18:44

I agree @Homer68

BilboBercow · 14/05/2021 18:44

8 hours of being told to apologise and op still hasn't done it

feistymumma · 14/05/2021 18:50

@Cactuslove

This is all really dramatic.

Basically you just text and say 'wow I what a whiner I was last night- sorry about that- but at least you know I miss you! Anyway how's your day been?'. Just something a bit jokey and lighthearted- and something else he can respond to so it doesn't become a conversation about the stupid drama last night.

Beyond dramatic, not sure why OP doesn't just explain that she reacted that way because she would miss him - end of story. It's been dragging on for how many hours now? Smh
Homer68 · 14/05/2021 18:52

He'll probably be arranging a date with someone else he's waited that long for a text ! These mind games work great when its teenagers but people in their mid 30s ?

Daisylg · 14/05/2021 18:53

‘If I text him he won’t read it until 10pm’ not if you had text him at 10am when you started this thread OP, nobody works until 10pm solid without a break and a lunch break and a toilet stop and checks their phone. Sorry but it’s simply not true. Stop making excuses

Bluestar99 · 14/05/2021 18:55

I’m not saying you don’t have attachment issues, you may well have. But from an outside point of view, you seem like you’re pathologising a bit.
And holding yourself to very difficult to maintain standards.
Modern dating is so hard! It’s not a particularly natural set up and I don’t think our brains were wired for the level of stress it entails. In what other culture, past or present are our hearts and feelings left in such a precarious position?
I’d say it’s okay to freak out. Just own it.
You’re human. You can be vulnerable. Apologise. Move on. If he’s a good one, he won’t judge you too harshly for it. Would you judge him and cast him out?!

feistymumma · 14/05/2021 18:57

@Homer68

For heaven's sake stop keep posting on here the same things over and over again. Just text him ! This is getting boring now. Are you secretly enjoying this ?
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
anxietyanonymous · 14/05/2021 18:58

If he would check out from your relationship over one incidence of less than ideal behaviour then you aren't right for each other.

You haven't murdered anyone. You were just a bit stroppy and unreasonable. Noone is perfect. There is absolutely a way back from this. Apologise for handling it badly, and that you have reflected and it wont happen again. I can't understand why that wouldn't be accepted if that is all that has happened.

Tempusfudgeit · 14/05/2021 18:58

You have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old, OP. Or you have EUPD. Either way, he's better off out of it until you do some serious self development.

wildeverose · 14/05/2021 18:58

SEND
THE
TEXT
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Amotherlife · 14/05/2021 19:01

You sound completely tormented by your insecurities. I can see your point that even if you do text him to apologise, any response will simply compound your anxiety. Because you just can't be reassured given your view of yourself.

It's very sad to think you may end up giving up on this relationship, which you seem to value so much, simply to get away from feeling insecure about it.

I don't know what to advise. I have a relative who goes through massive anxiety attacks and I know reassurance etc doesn't work in the moment as they simply don't believe it.

That's what everyone on this thread is doing - trying to reassure you that a simple apology is easy and all you need to do, but you don't believe that.

I'm really sorry you feel like this. You know, he may not even have given your conversation much thought. He won't necessarily have seen it the way you have described it.

I have this ongoing conversation I have had for years with my DP (on and off, it doesn't come up much, it's just an example I can think of) where I worry about what people might think of x and he says who cares? I then say I do, but he doesn't really get it because he doesn't care what they think!

Hope you can get through this blip and continue the relationship but in any case, some counselling might help. Best wishes x

AreTurnipsReal · 14/05/2021 19:04

Hey OP.

You sound highly distressed and anxious.
You can stop berating and chastising yourself. You are completely safe. He is just a man and you do not need him. Even if the worst case scenario occurs and it doesnt work out with him, then so bloody what? It might with another man. There is nothing to panic about here. Just stop and breathe, go for a run or walk, or get yourself Out of Your Head.

You sound like me in that you have a propensity to act on situations in a irrational and unhealthy way because of trauma from childhood. Other posters are right in that you need therapy, it is a long tiring journey.

One other thing though... there are certain men who you may pick that will be the absolute Opposite of what you need / are suited to. For example, I dated a man who was emotionally absent and that wreaked havoc with my mental health! His behaviour made me feel so insecure. On reflection, I also think he had avoidant anxiety.

I am taking a break now from dating.

I think some OPs are harrassing you because you are acting in unhealthy and immature way - you dont know how to deal with this in a safe and adult way and need to learn. Just like me. Lots of us on this journey..

Chill the fuck out Flowers

Flugbusters4444 · 14/05/2021 19:06

Christ the longer this goes on I'm starting to think OP is on the wind up.

Surely no one who actually wants to preserve their relationship spends the day rabbiting on to strangers rather then sending an apology text.

As my father would say - get a hold of yourself! Text him!

Or you know what, don't. If you're going to be off with him for prioritizing work then maybe he's not the one for you.

MiaChia · 14/05/2021 19:10

OP, when you say he’ll respond in his usual formal manner is that code for, he’s cold and unemotional and doesn’t seem to care about other people’s feelings? If so, have you ever got what you want from this relationship or are you just hanging in there in the (forlorn) hope that he’ll eventually become a warm and caring partner?

Anotheruser02 · 14/05/2021 19:12

Honestly I think some OP's are harrassing because they want a live stream of developments. It often goes like this on the relationships board, take my advice and act on it right now or it means you were only asking to attention seek and be dramatic.

It probably makes no difference what time the OP texts as long as he gets it by the time he finishes work and before they speak again then it will be unprompted. That's what's important.

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 19:16

Thanks for the replies.

My only hesitation is that my friend has said maybe he doesn’t even think there is an issue? He said goodnight as usual, there was no argument. I was only stressing as he hadn’t text me...and she said that could have been because it was late and he has a long day today.

I don’t want to make an issue out of nothing.

Those posters saying this is a wind up - thanks for that. This is my life and it’s a struggle when you live with anxiety like this. My mind is in overdrive and it’s exhausting.

OP posts:
mamaoffourdc · 14/05/2021 19:19

Just text him, your behaviour warrants an apology and acknowledgment of what happened - then you can both move on

MrsSchrute · 14/05/2021 19:20

@hannag

Thanks for the replies.

My only hesitation is that my friend has said maybe he doesn’t even think there is an issue? He said goodnight as usual, there was no argument. I was only stressing as he hadn’t text me...and she said that could have been because it was late and he has a long day today.

I don’t want to make an issue out of nothing.

Those posters saying this is a wind up - thanks for that. This is my life and it’s a struggle when you live with anxiety like this. My mind is in overdrive and it’s exhausting.

But you wouldn't be apologising because he thinks there is an issue, you would be apologising for your overreaction. So whether or not he thinks there is an issue, an apology is still a good idea.
Percypigg · 14/05/2021 19:22

This is reminiscent of the threads by AnotherDates ie thousands of posts, four different threads and an effing ribboned book.

JUST. SEND. THE. TEXT