feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

[hannag]

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

[hannag]

Thanks for the support. My confidence is low at the moment. I can be really good fun and witty and engaging but I feel this huge pressure now because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t feel I can be any of those things ash confidence has gone. It was all well and good being relaxed and bouncy when I didn’t feel much for him but the calls seem so much more important now.

Thank you everyone who has posted and been bloody patient with me. One thing this thread has done is made me wake up to the fact that I do have a real anxiety problem that isn’t normal and needs to be addressed. I’m going to seek help for this and that’s down to this thread.

Thank you

[SwordofGryffindor]

Look up sensorimotor therapy. Get a good therapist. You'll just repeat this and you don't want it becoming a pattern cause hes obviously a good guy

[therearenogoodusernamesleft]

He sounds super lovely. The fact he has sent you flowers after you gave him grief is a wonderful gesture.

Have a chat with him tonight, get yourself booked into see your GP next week. You need help with your anxiety.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

Stop performing the role of witty, engaging, good girlfriend and just be yourself - you probably are those things naturally but you're making it sort of false by trying so hard to live up to the role you've created in your head.

Stop panicking, stop risk assessing, stop game playing. Be yourself - a work in progress. Someone proactively working hard to conquer their anxiety and abandonment issues. It's ok to be a work in progress.

If you perform the role of lovely girlfriend you've created for yourself instead of just genuinely being a lovely girlfriend in your own way, eventually you'll come unstuck so just be yourself.

Definitely talk to your counsellor about all of this!

[Viviennemary]

I wouldn't like somebody booking a surprise holiday of nights away without telling me. But he was being a bit inflexible saying he has to work and it couldn't be changed. Maybe this is a good time for both of you to decide if the relationship is going to work. I don't think you did anything wrong really. I wouldn't go grovelling.

[bigbaggyeyes]

Just speak to him op. I'm sure everything will be fine, you're reading too much into it.

You were being whiny and you've apologised. He's accepted your apology graciously and has even gone so far as to send you flowers. Have a nice chat with him later, don't get heavy on him.

[SionnachGlic]

If you are back on track with him being pleasant & not blowing last night into a big drama...then why wd you avoid speaking to him tonight & pretend you are busy? Really...why? Take the call & have a conversation (without any whining). It doesn't have to be til 1AM...that wd totally do my head in if I was bone tired & had to be up for work. Stop the mental gymnastics & if I do/say this, that or the other will he think, this, that or dump me. & just be an honest person. He needs to like you for who you are.....

[SunshineCake]

You moaned because you were feeling needy and insecure. Not talking to him is playing games. They contradict each other. I wonder what is really going on. Remember how you felt today. Crap. He has feelings too. Don't toy with them.

[L0bstersLass]

@hannag

Thanks for the support. My confidence is low at the moment. I can be really good fun and witty and engaging but I feel this huge pressure now because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t feel I can be any of those things ash confidence has gone. It was all well and good being relaxed and bouncy when I didn’t feel much for him but the calls seem so much more important now.

Thank you everyone who has posted and been bloody patient with me. One thing this thread has done is made me wake up to the fact that I do have a real anxiety problem that isn’t normal and needs to be addressed. I’m going to seek help for this and that’s down to this thread.

Thank you

Good on you. I wish you all the luck.
You can do this.
Do not get derailed by anything.
Seek the help. Make it a priority.

[Livpool]

Try to seek therapy OP - I used to catastrophise everything.

But DH and I have been together almost 2 years - we wouldn't have survived if we broke up over every disagreement

[Alcemeg]

Congratulations OP, on sending the text in the end!!!!!!!! and getting a nice kind reply.

One thing that struck me through your posts was how much you have been focused on looking "attractive" -- e.g.:
that’s why I am thinking it’s maybe best to leave it, show him I am independent rather than sending a clingy message.

"being clingy" is obviously something you loathe about yourself and find repulsive.

Your terror of being seen as clingy, here, actually got in the way of you behaving more considerately towards him (although you did manage it in the end!).

Maybe when you get sucked into this vortex of panic about looking clingy, try to focus less on what you "look like" and try to consider how he might be feeling? Genuine concern for someone's feelings is always going to trump looking cool and elegant.

Somewhere along the line you seem to have got the idea that attachment = neediness = ugly. It would be interesting to unpack all that.

[Blueskytoday06]

@hannag don't be too hard on yourself. Dating seems so much more fragile as we age AND we all do things that could have been done better. I hope it works out.

[Elsiebear90]

I think as you’ve been in a relationship for a year you need to stop trying to appear a certain way and just focus on being yourself. Don’t play games, apologise when you know you’re in the wrong, just be yourself. Trying to appear witty, independent and care free when you’re very clearly not care free must be exhausting, I say this as someone with anxiety.

You can’t keep playing the role of what you think his ideal woman is, you need to be yourself.

[partyatthepalace]

Text sounds good - then ring him tomorrow, be cheerful and eat a bit of humble pie - I would also explain re the surprise night as it does explain things (explain on phone tomorrow I mean (not by text)

[Bubblesdublin]

Is this another dates again

[Yaya26]

@hannag

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

Are you crazy?why would you be too busy to talk? Stop playing silly games x

[Lovelydiscusfish]

@hannag

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

NO! Or at least, in my opinion, not. If you are not really in to him, and want your relationship to press on to a deeper level, and you have had this mini-row to hang, yet got over it, WHY WHY WHY play games now?

Either you want a proper honest relationship with the fella, or you don’t. If you do, lay down your defences and meet him where he is coming from. If you don’t - then chill out. And climb down out of his arse just because he makes other plans.

Seriously. I am hard-wired to be on the woman’s side. But I am starting to feel for this guy now. You flip out (forgivably); he sends you flowers; you largely ghost him about it....

It’s not you I am feeling for right now, OP. If he likes you/loves you poor fella must be in a tailspin right now. WHY torment him like this? Speak to him, surely, if you love or even like him the tiniest amount......

[Babyjune21]

To be fair I think it’s really big of you for noticing how you behaved was wrong a lot of people wouldn’t of admitted to being in the wrong so if I was you I’d just say sorry for how you acted and. Assure him it won’t happen again and that you hope to make it up to him

[Ruminating2020]

@hannag

He’s text again asking to chat later. Should I be busy and say another eve (whilst also being pleasant and nice obviously!)? I am second guessing myself so much, I’m almost scared to interact with him when not in person as I don’t trust myself to misinterpret things.

When together I am on form and fun and relaxed and caring. Good job really because clearly I am a nutter as soon as we are apart.

What? You spend a whole day obsessing whether you've ruined your relationship with him because he doesn't text you in the morning, and now that he's made an effort, you wonder whether you should be too busy to chat?

Unless you are genuinely too busy to do so, why would you want to do that? Stop playing mind games op, if you want an authentic relationship.

[me4real]

Do you think this is the type of man for you?

He's said he is focussing on work. I think he either was already trying to pull away, or he just isn't the type to be overly focussed on his relationships.

I mean, the work thing might be a temporary thing, but you don't necessarily know that and when he gets the more senior role he'll also have more work.

You sound a bit like I was when I was with my last ex. He was making me more anxious in life and I was also unfulfilled and insecure.

I think you'd be better with someone as focussed on relationships as you- demonstrative, making time for you etc.

For one reason or another, he's already told you that he's not going to be around much for the foreseeable future.

I don't think he's the man/the kind of man to make you happy. x

[HidingFromTheChildren]

All sounds very immature. I couldn't be doing with the "they usually text at this time & they didn't" type of stuff.

[Percypigg]

@Bubblesdublin yes I think it is!

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Unless you are genuinely too busy to do so, why would you want to do that? Stop playing mind games op, if you want an authentic relationship.

To stop her getting obsessive and fixated on this relationship?

Its like having a healthy relationship with food. You can’t eat what you you want because you end up using it as a crutch and get fat. Or drinking. Or obsessive relationships.
Op wants a healthy relationship. That means giving them both space to work out their feelings, priorities and keep their relationship on a even course.

See you friends Op. Go out, go to the gym or gave a run, do your hobbies so you have something to talk about when you do meet up. Good for you, good for the relationship,

[hannag]

We spoke and it was nice. Weirdly he brought up the weekend he’s away and said he wanted to see me, I said it was fine and I understood, he said oh ok... seemed surprised I was fine with it.

The overwhelming problem I have is that I want to settle down so I rush things. It’s really hard. I’m going to try and out until practice being busy and putting myself first before obsessing over the relationship. I do think I need some professional help though too.

[vdbfamily]

Interested in whether you agreed to chat last night OP or not. A relationship will not survive game playing and not be healthy. If you have had a mini blip which has left you feeling awful all day and he has sent you flowers and wants to chat then the answer is yes, of course you chat, and you are honest about how the whole thing made you feel. You are who you are, with all your baggage, and he is who he is, with all his baggage, and what the two of you are trying to do is see if you have a compatible relationship moving forward. All the thoughts and feelings you are trying to hide from him, all the worries you have about what he is thinking, just talk to him. If it is too much and he runs a mile, surely you had better know that now than when you are even more invested in staying together.
If he does have an ASC, he is unlikely to change( although he can learn about what you need and try and be more like that, but in my experience it will never be easy or natural for him) You have to be secure enough to KNOW someone loves you via their actions, rather than constant declarations of love or reassurances.