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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
Livpool · 13/05/2021 22:02

If he is so controlling then it would be a dealbreaker. No matter his feelings it isn't for him to say what you can or can't do

MrDarcysMa · 13/05/2021 22:05

You're a grown up. just go ffs.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:05

@felulageller

This is domestic abuse and this kind of coercive control is now a crime. Go with the DC's to women's aid and call the police.
It's not great, buts it's not classified as coercive control.
wonderstuff · 13/05/2021 22:05

Wow. My husband wouldn't dream of saying no, because I'm a grown up and he's not my keeper. I'd absolutely go anyway and it would definitely be the end of our relationship.

Can't get my head around someone deciding what there spouse can and can't do.

WatchingPaintWet · 13/05/2021 22:07

This would push every button I have (the controlling, sexist pig) and probably cause me to ask what on earth made him think I was asking, rather than telling, him.

He's acting as though he's your father and the great big I Am in your household with the power to dictate the lives of all who live in it.

I agree with the poster who suggested hiring a babysitter who could actually be trusted to be competent while you're out. Then I'd hire a lawyer.

Joeblack066 · 13/05/2021 22:08

In my marriage I had 1 night out. Not even staying away. It was a school reunion. The aftermath was horrific. I left, once I could.
Please leave. Don’t let this continue and then go through what I did.

Rainbow321 · 13/05/2021 22:11

You don't ask , you tell . As in " I'm glad your going away for x nights with xyz , it will do you good to get out . I'm going as well to abc for the weekend" . Job done.

MojoJojo71 · 13/05/2021 22:12

I couldn’t be a relationship where I had to ask my partner for permission, I’m an adult for goodness sake. If he tried to ‘forbid’ me I’d probably laugh in his face and do it anyway.

I also couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was incapable of parenting his own children, I’d have absolutely no respect for him whatsoever.

CMSdividend · 13/05/2021 22:15

I've had one of these in the past so I sympathise and completely understand it's easier to decline the invite than deal with the ball ache that comes with it. Does he also do this:
You: I'm going away for the night with my friend who I haven't seen in a year.
He responds one of two ways:

  1. Well it's alright for you going away. Some of us don't get to go away on a whim. (Then sulks until you go and a few days after)
  2. That's fine, I'm going to book a lads holiday in Las Vegas for two weeks and see strippers and you can't say anything as you've chosen your time away as just one night.

I never got the "sounds nice, enjoy!" Even when he was doing banger cars jollies round Europe every summer. Would never have the kids on his own so I had our holidays when he was away, just me and the kids.

Busybee5000 · 13/05/2021 22:21

Scary!! Especially as he’s about to do exactly the same thing. What does he think is unsafe - you going away without a man to protect you or you going away and meeting another man?!

kittenkipping · 13/05/2021 22:24

Oh op. You shouldn't be controlled this way. You shouldn't fear asking. You shouldn't have to ask.but more than that. You shouldn't have to be a single parent in a joint parent family. There are bigger issues than not going out for a night- he doesn't parent, he doesn't respect you, you are afraid of him. It's a lot wrong. I hope you find the strength to escape.

Melitza · 13/05/2021 22:29

So if you died tomorrow your dh couldn't care for his own dc?
Seriously you're making excuses.
Unless the dc are in danger then go away for a weekend.
If the dc get crap food and miss a bath for one night what does it matter?
And if your dh is angry then yes for me that would be a deal breaker.

Arrierttyclock · 13/05/2021 22:29

If my husband said no to a night away I'd go for a week. He's not your keeper!!

MrsDSalvatore · 13/05/2021 22:36

He's using it not being safe an an excuse and a way of making it sound like he cares when in reality he's a controlling arsehole. If my oh told me I couldn't do something it would make me more determined to do it. I'd book and stay away 2 nights but thats just me

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2021 22:36

@Paintedpets

I’m not sure, it’s not in my nature to just go anyway. Plus he’d need step by step child instructions. Not for the eldest but there are smaller ones as well. I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.
What a miserable, useless father.

WhY are you with him?

Bythemillpond · 13/05/2021 22:38

He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility

So what exactly does he bring to the table of your marriage that makes up for him not taking any responsibility with his own children.
I hope it is enough money so he can hire full time nannies , cooks, and cleaners to look after his children when he has them every other weekend

What exactly isn’t safe? The city you are going to or the children in his care?

CandyLeBonBon · 13/05/2021 22:39

@Paintedpets what does your dh do for a living? Presumably he is able to adult in other areas of his life?

Holothane · 13/05/2021 22:41

I’d tell him what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. fuck off you can do it I can, enough said providing finances are safe. Go for it.

BonesJones · 13/05/2021 22:46

Fuck that for a kitkat. Go. From the entire marriage.

mainsfed · 13/05/2021 23:08

Hope this is the beginning of OP's realisation of what kind of man she is married to.

pallisers · 13/05/2021 23:25

OP, ask yourself something.

your dh would rather you missed a nice overnight with friends than actually mind his own children. Does he love you or like you? Does he love them? Because he certainly doesn't seem to give much of a shit about whether you are happy or not and seems to lack any interest in his children.

To answer your original question - yes I would SERIOUSLY consider splitting up. Not if my husband had a serious concern about inner city violence on a night out (like honestly how thick does your husband sound if this is the only excuse he can come up with for not minding his own children) but because I would know he doesn't care for me or my children.

Jumpingintosummer · 13/05/2021 23:26

Do you genuinely love a man who treats you so badly?

Rachie1973 · 13/05/2021 23:27

@Paintedpets

I’m not sure, it’s not in my nature to just go anyway. Plus he’d need step by step child instructions. Not for the eldest but there are smaller ones as well. I’d be too worried to just go anyway, he’d be pissed off. That’s a reflection on me not him though, I don’t like confrontation and will back down.
Then I wish you hadn’t asked here. It’s so frustrating
littlebite · 13/05/2021 23:28

This relationship sounds absolutely horrific , I'm sorry op Thanks

LouiseTrees · 13/05/2021 23:28

@Paintedpets

No, he’s ok about me going out in the evening with friends. He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility. This makes it tricky. If I wanted to take up a hobby in the evening for example, it wouldn’t be easy because of his lack of willingness to sort the dc. However, I generally don’t ask for much. I’m usually here, at home.
Either leave him or play his game back at him. If you are not allowed independence from the kids then neither is he
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