If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

[Paintedpets]

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

My EX was like this too, he could do what he wanted including holidays abroad but I couldn’t go for a day out with friends because it was too much of an effort for him to look after the kids. He still thinks I’m in the wrong for leaving him though because he was so perfect

A difference between saying you would be unhappy and the response the OP received. Same as 'would not give me permission', another red flag to me.

I let mine know Im going, mainly so he knows where to drop me. I’ll give him a call so he knows where to pick me up. And vice versa. None of this requesting permission shit.

No one has to right to tell another person what they can or can’t do. The bigger issue that is more prevalent is why his he like this? What causes his insecurity? If you both value the relationship, communication is needed. However, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can only control what you do. Good luck.

And this is what is known as the straw that broke the camels back.

You leave him over this (and I think you should) he will go off on one about how can you leave him over one weekend away. He will probably then back down, but still make it almost, but not quite, impossible for you feel comfortable about going so you still cancel. But....as he said "Ok go" its your choice to stay home not his....see how they manipulate?

But you and I and the rest of MN know its because he is a lazy controlling man who refuses to look after his own kids. You should have left a long time ago to be honest, but like the frog in the pot, you dont realise whats happening until the water is boiling.

I’d walk out after beating him to death (only vaguely joking).

I never ask - I just tell.

What are you going to do op?

Not allowed. He isn't your parent. Its controlling. Tell him he isn't allowed on his stag do. I wouldn't put up with this.

what does he do in your life you might aswell be alone with the kids

Awful controlling behaviour. Is he controlling in other ways? Is he jealous? Massive flashing red light from me.

@GabsAlot

what does he do in your life you might aswell be alone with the kids

Good question.

He does nothing to contribute to family life, except presumably financially which you have other options to replace. You do literally everything else.

He has got it sorted hasnt he?! Does what he wants, when he wants and has his clothes washed, food cooked, house cleaned and kids cared for.

You are not his wife, you are his housekeeper, in his eyes which is why he thinks he can "authorise" your Annual Leave. Except of course if you were his employee, you would have legal rights to time off. As a wife you get fuck all.

Wow, yeah this is definitely not on OP. I couldn't be with someone like that. Sorry. It should not be one rule for him, another for you. If he can't look after his own children so you can have the occasional night off, well, that's pretty poor isn't it. If you broke up would he never see his children because he wouldn't be able to look after them?

Why are you with him? Is this how you want your children to see relationships?

@DIshedUp

Well it depends really. Whats his reason? What is he objecting to?

What reason could there be that would override the OP's desire to go. Unless the weekend away is in Kabul....

For me that would be an absolute deal breaker within my marriage. As a grown up, nobody is telling me what I can and can't do.

I feel that with a reaction like this it reflects what he would do / does when he is away for a night.

You know how people talk about missing red flags and thing just creeping up on us and suddenly you are feeling controlled?

This is the opposite of that. This is a bright red flag being shoved in your face. If you back down now, I honestly can't see you ever having a night away from home with your friends ever. Not ever. Is that really what you want to accept?

You are an adult - you can go where you like.
He is just as much of a parent as you and he can take responsibility for his children for one night. Or perhaps one week to be honest. It's not a big deal in most families.

Please please don't cave. He thinks he can bully you into submission because he has so far. Put your foot down. And keep it down. Please. For you.

Yes it would be a deal breaker for me too. Not allowed to spend a night away with friends as an adult? Who does he think he is?

This is domestic abuse and this kind of coercive control is now a crime.
Go with the DC's to women's aid and call the police.

I ask DH but as a kind of courtesy and would be terribly shocked if he said anything other than its of course.

@MyDogIsDrivingMeMad

I wouldn't mind so much if he wasn't going out and doing that very thing himself. (Spending a night away with friends seems overrated to me, anyway, and my parents never did that when I was a child.)

However, how dare he do it himself, then try to say you can't?! I'd be telling him that he can't do it, either, then. And if he wouldn't agree (which of course he won't), we'd be having serious conversations. He can't expect you to follow one set of rules and he another. He's just being selfish and lazy.

Then you don't know what you're missing...I treasured my nights away, especially when the children were younger. And if I never went away socially, I have to travel for work or travel to events involving the rest of my family, my children are only part of my familly. It wouldn't matter if this asshole never spent a night away, he still doesn't get to tell the OP she cant if its something SHE wants to do

It would certainly make me question the relationship but I guess it needs to be taken in context with what else is going on in the relationship.

We have 2 young children, both under 5, and I've probably gone away for either one or two nights about once a year or so. I went on a hen weekend when the youngest was about 6 months and the older one was still really small at that point too, and I did feel a bit guilty but I needed to get away for my sanity and DH managed ok and never made me feel bad for going.

It can be really easy to fall into the role being the primary caregiver and ending up doing everything, so I make sure I take time for myself, I don't put it up for discussion, although obviously we check that our plans for in with each other's schedules. So maybe I'll just let DH know that I'm going for a run on Saturday morning. I don't ask if he can get the kids up and dressed and sort their breakfast, it's just obvious that's what he needs to do!

I think in the past I would have asked if I could go for a run or if I could go and meet a friend, but then I realised that feels like there's a real imbalance in the relationship and it can really eat away at your self esteem the longer that goes on.

You don't have to ask permission.
Just make the plans and go.

My DH encourages me to go out. He would never stop me. You know this isn't right. Get a babysitter to have the kids overnight because otherwise you'll worry and not enjoy yourself. Go anyway and have a blast. Have a serious conversation afterwards about double standards. His reaction will speak volumes.