If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

[Paintedpets]

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

[Pastryapronsucks]

@CombatBarbie

And the fact he's jumping to "you sleeping with someone else" would make me question what he does on his lads nights away.. Is he projecting????

My thoughts exactly

[Happyhappyday]

I mean this is ridiculous. I’ve recently planned two trips away with friends and I haven’t even told DH yet! He overheard me planning one and panicked because he thought I was going THAT EVENING, when he realized it was in 6 weeks he was like whatever. Which is the normal response. We have a toddler for reference. It’s reasonable to discuss with a partner say a large purchase made with shared money or whether you’re going to adopt a dog. It’s not reasonable to have to ask, let alone be told no, if you can stay with friends.

[Teenagehorrorbag]

I think he's making up excuses to avoid being left with the DC.

Assuming he's not violent and you aren't scared of him - then I think now is a good time to lay down some markers. Laugh at his accusations, and remind him he goes away with his mates. Write him instructions on how to look after the kids.

Don't take his 'forbidding' seriously - pretend you think he's joking. Plan your trip, keep him involved with the details - hopefully he's just a selfish dinosaur who is panicking about looking after his own children! He can start learning now. Just keep it light hearted and don't give him the chance to make it into a big deal.

[Fraley]

Using the words, let & ask is incomprehensible to me, you are a adult & can make your own choices. He is also an adult who will have to get on with looking after his own child/children, please don’t think he can’t & please have the confidence to do what YOU would like to do.

[AliceMcK]

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone I needed to ask permission off, regardless of what it was. I would also not be in a relationship with anyone who couldn’t take care of his own children.

There is having common decency and respect where I would say I’m looking at doing x around x date, you ok with that? Meaning I will be away for so long and just checking there isn’t anything that will impact or clash with that. The same with taking up hobbies, it a curtesy to discuss it, but I don’t need his approval.

The whole thing about the location not being safe is bollox and I think you know that.

[Guavafish]

My husband would never say that to me. He sounds selfish

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

The irony is, that if he pushes you to leave, he'll being doing it on his own when he has the children anyway! That would be my starting point for a discussion (best had when you are both calm). I would also want him to concede that doing nothing towards his own children is totally unreasonable and he needs to involve himself. Whether you go out or not, why should you be doing everything all the time?

[Carbara]

What a disgusting abuser. This is really damaging to kids, to have an abuser as a ‘parent’, it’s not ok to inflict this on them, even if you’re ok with being with a controlling deadbeat. Can you not access a Refuge, or somewhere better to live?

[AMillionMilesAway]

It doesn't sound like you are in an equal relationship. Neither I or my partner "ask" to go anywhere. We inform each other of our plans, and if one has an issue we'll discuss it rationally.

"I'd rather you didn't go because of x, y and z" is very different to "no you're not going end of discussion".

[BoredtoTiers]

If DH told me he wouldn't entertain me doing something that was fine for him without an incredibly good reason, I'd tell him to sling his hook. Seriously. And I've been with my DH for near on 20 years, been through all kinds of shit, rough patches, less than perfect behaviour on both side. Double standards without a rationale would be a hard no.

When I say good reason I mean things like:

• Undertaking an activity where we have very different medical risk factors
• Travelling alone in some parts of the world that are not particularly enlightened on feminism (still want a discussion though)
• One party has significant form for seriously bad behaviour (e.g. cheating, drugs, MIA on drunken nights out).

not a fucking UK overnight with a few mates.

[dollypartonshirspray]

I wouldn't walk out over this (you know what he is really like and if this was something you could put up with long term) but there would be some very serious discussions where I would be setting him straight on a few things.

I am quite a fiery person though, so there is no way in hell I would ever be asking for permission. I would be asking which dates are best for you.

I am quite concerned that he can't cope with his DC for one night. I'd start with that, and getting him to do the bedtime routine twice a week minimum.

However, if he still behaved like an arsehole after it was booked, or even worse, when I came back, I would be asking telling him to go.

It's one thing being concerned, and another being a controlling dickhead.

[WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself]

I would assume he thinks you’ll do what he and his mates do when they stop out. Why else jump to you going with other men? It wouldn’t occur to my DH to think that of me or vice versa.

[Butterfly44]

It's time he learnt how to parent. Definitely go, for your own mental health. You deserve it and if he can't see that for you then I'd definitely be having words as it'd breed resentment. Just say - well you're going and that's it. He's a parent too and it's time he stepped up

[redtshirt50]

That's insane - I would be splitting up with him

[pictish]

“DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.”

You see, again...I would laugh at this. Not for discussion...ha ha. Shut up you arse. YOU’RE not happening.

[DenisetheMenace]

Think about what you’ve just written. You’ve never “asked” before?
As an adult, you don’t ask for permission.

[5zeds]

It’s really weird that you appear to think your options are, he chooses what you can do, or you split up.. Surely you can just face up to “not liking confrontation” and explain that you ARE going and live your life like a participant?

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Here's your issue, you don't ask but you do check. So if I go out the conversation looks like: me toDp, hey are you doing anything on 22nd July? No, okay cool as mate invited me out to this new bar and I'll be kipping over. Dp response okay.
That's it. Thats a normal healthy adult relationship.
Get stubborn and say I am, and plonkit in the diary . Also as he sounds abuse get a backup childcare plan for the night in case he tries to sabotage you and JUST GO

[Morgan12]

Yep I would split up if my DH were like this. 100%.

[Spudina]

He is controlling you. Absolute dealbreaker. He needs to step up and parent his own children.

[Dozer]

Yes, controlling, abusive behaviour.

And he’s a shit parent.

[Dozer]

Splitting up would be a good plan!

[gurglebelly]

Given everything you have said, yes I would definitely consider splitting up with a useless, controlling, hypocritical twat like your Husband

[merrymelody]

I wouldn't ask, I'd simply tell him. The fact that you're asking says a lot about the dynamics of your relationship.

[Pinchoftums]

Sorry OP I would leave. Life will be better if you do.