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Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 13/05/2021 13:17

Why do you have to ask him? Do you have children ?

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2021 13:18

I don't ask my husband if I can go anywhere but I do ask him if he has work booked in that would affect childcare.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.... If he can go away then so can you.

OldEvilOwl · 13/05/2021 13:18

I'd be telling him to fuck off

takemetothelakes · 13/05/2021 13:19

I would not accept this, he does not have the right to tell you that you can't do something,

A discussion about practicalities and dates that work, fine. Maybe a chat about affordability, ok.

A flat 'you can't go' and I'd be livid. I'm quite contrary and naturally want to do something more if I'm told no. I think I'd be booking a fortnight in the sun if I was told I couldn't have a weekend with my mates.

You know what, my partner would NEVER do that, why would he? He loves me and wants me to be happy so he just wouldn't pull that shit.

You mention that you were worried about asking @Paintedpets, why is that?
Is this indicative of wider issues in your relationship around control?

I honestly think I'd be considering ending the relationship over this.

Fluffyandsilly · 13/05/2021 13:19

It's "not safe"for you to have a day shopping, a nice dinner and some drinks with your friends?!
He is controlling, probably verging on abusive given how nervous you say you were even broaching this with him.

For context, I told my husband last night that I am making plans to go away for a night to have dinner with an old friend. His response was a semi interested "Ahh that'll be nice for you to catch up with X. Stick it in the calendar so I don't forget!"
That's a normal relationship.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2021 13:19

So if you said, "You know that trip you're going on with your friends? I'm going to do the same a week later" then he'd object?

Do you have children together?

lastqueenofscotland · 13/05/2021 13:20

This is massively controlling
I wouldn’t ask my partner if I could I would inform him that I’d made plans on that date. It wouldn’t be for debate if I could go or not.

Original poster
Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:20

We have dc.
He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently.
I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc.
When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.

OP posts:
DoodleLovin · 13/05/2021 13:23

That’s fine. If he doesn’t want you to go out then neither can he. See how he feels about it when you tell him he has to stay home and can’t socialise. It’s a two-way street.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2021 13:24

He sounds really horrible. What's he like the rest of the time? I agree that he just doesn't want to look after his own children overnight.

TeacupDrama · 13/05/2021 13:24

generally it is not OK but sometimes it could be with reasons
ie clash of events,
not affordable or it is but then partner has to give something up instead or something you were planning has to be given up
someone is working and so can't do childcare if you go away
it is genuinely very risky climbing everest; going to Afghanistan
someone just assuming the other person can keep rescheduling things or take annual leave to cover them
a child or parent is very sick
it doesn't appear OP's evening night away falls into the above categories
generally speaking in a relationship if it is OK for one partner to do something it is OK for the other to do something similar with similar budget for a similar length of time, so if one goes on a golf weekend for £200 a spa weekend of similar value is fine
communication and a look at finances and calendar would sort 99% of these, if there is no shortage of money or time then it seems to be controlling

Gamerlady · 13/05/2021 13:24

You shouldn't have to ask permission for a girls night out.. he is such an hypocrite when he is doing exactly the same.. tell him your going and enjoy yourself

Runnerduck34 · 13/05/2021 13:25

Yes im sorry but you need to split up, him telling you you cant go away but then going away himself is outrageous . Him not reacting well if you do it anyway is another red flag.
I know how its easier said than done but really I think you need to end the relationship, its not going to get better and its controlling and unreasonable behaviour

TeacupDrama · 13/05/2021 13:25

unless there is a history of cheating then accusing someone of looking for an affair or ONS is outrageous

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 13/05/2021 13:26

What a prick! I would make plans and go anyway! Why are you even asking permission?

Horehound · 13/05/2021 13:26

Yes I'd split.

TeacupDrama · 13/05/2021 13:27

there is no city or town in UK that is too unsafe to go in a group, there maybe certain areas where it would be unwise to be walking alone and drunk after midnight

RestUp · 13/05/2021 13:27

Oh dear,

So what are you going to do. Bow down to his wishes and never have the life you choose to lead while he can go away over night ? What a controlling, abusive 'man'

I'd absolutely split if my DP said this to me.

Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

LynnInAVan · 13/05/2021 13:27

Makes me wonder what he gets up to on his overnighters

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2021 13:27

Doesn't want the DC overnight, oh well.... Time for him to be a parent. FFS do not be a doormat! Stand up to him.

Original poster
Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:28

No there’s no history of cheating or anything. I’ve not had a night away since the dc were born. I have previously and it wasn’t an issue then, which is weird because when I was young and attractive and without dc wouldn’t I have been more likely to cheat then?! 14 years since I’ve had a night away.

It’s more the feeling that I can’t do it, even though I don’t want to do it very often or anything.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 13/05/2021 13:28

And the fact he's jumping to "you sleeping with someone else" would make me question what he does on his lads nights away.. Is he projecting????

SeaShoreGalore · 13/05/2021 13:28

He has been unfaithful to you.

bunglebee · 13/05/2021 13:29

@Paintedpets

We have dc. He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently. I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc. When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.
Bullshit.

Either he's just too fucking lazy to have the DC overnight and thinks accusing you of cheating will get him off the hook...

Or he plans to cheat himself when he has a night away and is projecting.

At best he's a lazy, sexist, manipulative dick, and at worst he's a cheating bastard. (Or possibly the other way round.) So yes, I'd leave over this. The slope of "you can stop me from going out" only goes one way, and it's slippery.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 13/05/2021 13:29

Oh ffs run away fast. So he can go somewhere but you can’t!?!!