If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

[Paintedpets]

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

Let's face it, do you really think he would neglect the youngest?? Most men, I'd like to think, who aren't normally there for bedtime, would just work it out as they go along. Dinner bath bed..... Its not hard is it.

Face value - highly unreasonable for your dh

But who can tell whether unreasonable without knowing history and detail of your marriage.

You know that. So you know if unreasonable

I would be going..., permanently

If that was my DP I’d ask him why he thought I was asking him and not telling him! And then bin him off. I’ve been in controlling relationships like that before and it was only after I left and got into a normal, healthy relationship that I realised it was abuse.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

This is not a relationship you should be in. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and he is controlling you.

I would be booking my trip and telling him I need a break too. How come he can go away and you can't? If he doesn't like it he can bl*y well lump it. Unfortunately I knew a couple like this, they are no longer together. Her husband wouldn't even let her go out to lunch, let alone a weekend away, she is now married for the second time to a lovely bloke and much happier.

@Paintedpets

We have dc. He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently. I think he doesn’t want the dc on his own overnight. This wasn’t an issue pre dc. When I mentioned it to him I knew the response would be angry and it was. He was angry about it, accused me of going to spend the night with someone else.

Ok so THERE'S the deal breaker.

He can go away and do what he wants.

You can't because you're a tart who just wants to fuck other men. Except if he really thought that surely he'd dump you. So he's pretending you're a tart who just wants to fuck other men to control you. Because he might have to step up and parent. You might actually realise he's a controlling arse. And I'd be wondering if he's projecting the infidelity.

Also my ex used to give me the ‘it’s not safe’ bullshit. As well as ‘it’s not that I don’t trust you it’s other people I don’t trust’

The times I did try to go out and do things he’d objected to he’d start crying and then tell me he was crying because ‘I looked nice’ or something like that and then i’d end up not going because it was causing too much stress. I’d seriously debate your relationship OP.

I would laugh, quite honestly. Don’t think your man there would like being married to me. I do what I want. Really. Most of us here are the same.
He is weird and controlling. It’s not you.

So safety is his concern eh

(In addition to assuming you're cheating/want to cheat on him).

As an experiment say you guys have changed the destination, pick the most unobjectionable, safest, poshest or whatever place you could ever imagine ..
And see what his response to that is.

Not that that will change the overall dynamic.

“It’s not safe.”
YOU’RE not safe you fucking rocket.

@LocalHobo

He’s controlled me to a point by not taking anything on with the dc, they are always my responsibility

It is not all down to him controlling you. You have allowed this ludicrous situation to become reality. I do not understand how, when DC1 arrived, he was not immediately involved in some aspect of caring responsibility.

this is unhelpful not to mention ignorant. OP take no notice

So....

• He believes that his wants are more important than yours
• He believes that he is more important than you, and has authority over you
• He is happy to use his children as a bargaining chip to control you
• He believes that you are a nanny, cook, sex doll and cleaner, not his partner, not his beloved - not someone who matters
• He seems to think you should be grateful for this

This isn't a relationship. It's an arrangement that suits him brilliantly because he can do whatever the fuck he fancies and still think of himself as a protective husband, decent father, and Mr Big Bollocks at home, without having to actually do anything. Of course he doesn't want you to change anything - he's pretty comfy with things exactly the way they are, with you too frightened to challenge it. He doesn't seem to see you as a partner, but as some sort of employee that doesn't get paid OR get any time off AND who's expected to have sex with him.

If your position was advertised as a job, would you apply?

I'd be having a serious think about what you want your future to look like. I personally wouldn't want to risk my DC growing up thinking that this is their model of what "marriage" is: woman serves man, man wears crown. I also wouldn't want to picture another 14 years stretching out ahead of me where I can be 90% sure it won't ever improve and will only get worse.

@pictish

I would laugh, quite honestly. Don’t think your man there would like being married to me. I do what I want. Really. Most of us here are the same. He is weird and controlling. It’s not you.

Yep. So does DH, both of us within reason, of course. But you know, a night out with friends, that sort of thing, we just tell each other when. I've got a friend in another city who is totally on her own - she is a widow and her only child died without any children. Her parents are long dead, her only sibling is in Australia. She has poor health and is struggling. You can better believe I announced to DH I'm going to see her on Monday. I'll be back late. Similarly, he is going to see his mother for the weekend and stay there (in another city). Quite right.

If I told him 'not happening,' he'd laugh because he knows I'd be joking.

If my wife wants to have a night out with friends or a weekend away or whatever, she will ask me if the schedule suits - in terms of childcare and so on, in case I have anything planned too or weekend work. And vice versa.

She has never had to ask me permission to do anything, and neither do I have to ask her. We are fully functioning adults capable of making our own decisions, and neither one of us owns the other. We respect each other enough to trust that any decisions we make would be considerate of the other person.

The problem is your husband views you not as an equal, but as a subordinate to him. Ergo he can do what he likes, but you must seek permission to do what you want.

He needs to change, and if he can’t change or isn’t willing, you need to get out of there for the sake of your own sanity.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! The thought of DH even daring to tell me no makes me laugh. I'd go and stay twice as long just to make my point. :)

He’s being unreasonable. So it’s fine for him to stay away because he’s a man but your a dainty little flower who mustn’t stray far from the homestead incase you get attacked. Says a lot about his relation with other men! Mean are not to be trusted, all men will attack women. Make a stand for what is right for you bear in mind your dc will see and hear his and your behaviours and will be influenced. Be a strong person.

@Paintedpets

The youngest dc is preschool. I’ve a big gap between first and last.

Then he needs to bloody pull his finger out. He's had long enough. Why why why do these awful men get away with this shit? I mean, how the fuck do they manage to function in a job, outside of the home?

We all know why. Because not 'being able to cope with the dc' is a fucking choice.

Ffs.

OP I haven't rtft but I've read all your posts.
I've read many accounts on here and other places from women who have had abusive partners, and one thing they have in common is that they talk of not being 'allowed' to do, say or have things. Could be a night out, or a job, or their own choice of clothes. Doesn't really matter what it is they're not 'allowed'. The point is that their partner is telling them what they can and can't do.
I can tell you 100% that non abusive men don't do this. In a healthy respectful relationship between adults there is no 'allowing'.
'Allowing' is for when I as an adult tell a child, no, you're not allowed to play with the sharp knife or eat ice cream at every meal. I have the authority to say that because I'm an adult who knows better and loves and cares about the child.
That's not the case here, is it.
The practical issues you face (he can't look after the kids) are things he has engineered, precisely so you 'can't' go out.
Try and find the Freedom Programme in your area.
And clear your search history.

Wow!! I could have written this post. DH does nothing with the children never has and I have had one night away with friends when children were small and he said he would never ever allow it to happen again. I had 2 overnighters booked last year I completely defied him and he was fuming, however kids would have been 11 and 12 so nearly capable of looking after themselves. I had a friend on standby who offered to have them if he completely refused, he was ecstatic when both events were cancelled due to covid. Because he has never really been involved with the children I think he is more scared than anything but as time has gone on he has become more distant with them. Every year he says I'll be ok when they are older but each year brings new challenges. He is more than likely on the autistic spectrum like our son and the 3 things that he can't cope with are mess, noise and multi tasking. To cut a long story short being a dad has really challenged him and the harder he tries the more stressed out he so it is far easier for his mental health to just to step back. He can't relate to children as all he wished for all his childhood was to be an adult so he use a saw and ride a motorbike!!!

The time I did leave him the kids cried all night for me and he got so wound up as he had to try and entertain them at the same time of keeping the house spotless as he is very house proud. In all other intents and purposes my DH is lovely but he is not cut out to be a dad. He does all the housework looks after the finances , the garden etc so I focus on the children, he certainly isn't lazy -in fact the opposite he spends so much time making the house and garden perfect. He really doesn't get the importance of spending time with the children - of course now the children are older they really have no time for him as he doesn't for them , I could of chucked him out years ago and sometimes wish I did but it works if I don't expect to use him for childcare purposes. I have a hen weekend booked for September but kids will hopefully sleep at friends as so much easier!!! I hate confrontation too and alot of people say he is controlling and childcare should be an equal thing but like yourself nights away pre children were not a problem, it is being left in charge of small people who he has nothing in common with that freaks him out., along with the noise and the mess they create. BUT I love him being away which isn't that often because it means kids can be noisy and messy. I honestly think some men are not cut out to be fathers but it doesn't mean they are not good men in other ways.

OP are you going to go?

Why is it ok for him and not for you?

Stand up for equality - he's not in charge of you.

He’s not worried about covid, he’s worried about the city not being safe apparently.

I hate when males use this excuse!!
He isn’t worried about it not being safe obviously.

For me telling me I can’t do something is a deal breaker - my parents don’t even say that now I’m an adult.

If he was genuinely worried about your safety he would say so and ask that stick with friends etc but would still never say you can’t go.

I feel very sorry for your kids @novaparty12 - that must be very hard growing up with such a detached and disinterested father. I'm sure it does work for you, but there will be a cost.

@novaparty12

Wow!! I could have written this post. DH does nothing with the children never has and I have had one night away with friends when children were small and he said he would never ever allow it to happen again. I had 2 overnighters booked last year I completely defied him and he was fuming, however kids would have been 11 and 12 so nearly capable of looking after themselves. I had a friend on standby who offered to have them if he completely refused, he was ecstatic when both events were cancelled due to covid. Because he has never really been involved with the children I think he is more scared than anything but as time has gone on he has become more distant with them. Every year he says I'll be ok when they are older but each year brings new challenges. He is more than likely on the autistic spectrum like our son and the 3 things that he can't cope with are mess, noise and multi tasking. To cut a long story short being a dad has really challenged him and the harder he tries the more stressed out he so it is far easier for his mental health to just to step back. He can't relate to children as all he wished for all his childhood was to be an adult so he use a saw and ride a motorbike!!!

The time I did leave him the kids cried all night for me and he got so wound up as he had to try and entertain them at the same time of keeping the house spotless as he is very house proud. In all other intents and purposes my DH is lovely but he is not cut out to be a dad. He does all the housework looks after the finances , the garden etc so I focus on the children, he certainly isn't lazy -in fact the opposite he spends so much time making the house and garden perfect. He really doesn't get the importance of spending time with the children - of course now the children are older they really have no time for him as he doesn't for them , I could of chucked him out years ago and sometimes wish I did but it works if I don't expect to use him for childcare purposes. I have a hen weekend booked for September but kids will hopefully sleep at friends as so much easier!!! I hate confrontation too and alot of people say he is controlling and childcare should be an equal thing but like yourself nights away pre children were not a problem, it is being left in charge of small people who he has nothing in common with that freaks him out., along with the noise and the mess they create. BUT I love him being away which isn't that often because it means kids can be noisy and messy. I honestly think some men are not cut out to be fathers but it doesn't mean they are not good men in other ways.

How on earth to you mange to remain in a marriage that is so unequal? He sounds a nightmare. I've never really understood why some people allow themselves to be treated second class in a 'partnership' and then excuses get made for them about why they just cannot do it/cope/excuses enable crap behaviour.