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Original poster

If your DH said you couldn’t do something would you consider splitting up?

408 replies

Paintedpets · 13/05/2021 13:09

I’ve mentioned that when we are allowed to I’d like a night away for a couple of friends, shopping and a meal.
DH has said no way. Not for discussion. Not happening.
I’m not the sort of person to just go anyway and he wouldn’t deal too well with that anyway.

Deal breaker? For context he’s having a night out next weekend and stopping away because he will have a drink and pre covid he would go out and stop over / go on stag weekends etc. It’s not as though it’s ever crossed my mind to tell him he can’t.

OP posts:
PurpleRainDancer · 13/05/2021 18:40

@Paintedpets

I was nervous about asking because I was pretty sure this would be the response. I’ve not asked before on the odd occasion of being invited to something that would mean an overnight stay away. I just really fancied it, post lockdown and having not seen my friends for a year.
What on earth are you ‘asking’ instead of telling him you’re going? And why are you ‘nervous’ of ‘asking’ you need to reevaluate your relationship OP.
Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/05/2021 18:42

Would I split up over this? Yes if he didn’t back down and realise he was being totally out of order.

In your position now I would tell him that you are going out and if he tries to stop you, control you in any way or bully you it will be the end of the marriage and then he gets no say ever over anything you do.

He is behaving like a controlling prick and needs to stop it. This would be a deal breaker for me.

KingdomScrolls · 13/05/2021 18:42

For context OP I told my DH last week that I'm away for a weekend later in the summer with friends, he said oh that'll be nice are you driving or do you want me to take you to the station? Since then he's found something he wants to take DS to that weekend. Yours sounds like he thinks parenting is your job only, if my DH told me no you're not going I'd laugh because there's no way he'd be serious.

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 18:47

*Ok so THERE'S the deal breaker.

He can go away and do what he wants.

You can't because you're a tart who just wants to fuck other men. Except if he really thought that surely he'd dump you. So he's pretending you're a tart who just wants to fuck other men to control you. Because he might have to step up and parent. You might actually realise he's a controlling arse. And I'd be wondering if he's projecting the infidelity.*

This really gets to the crux of the comment about you wanting to get off with someone else (or however he phrased it).

arcof · 13/05/2021 18:49

If you just went what would happen to the kids, would they be neglected? Would you get anger on your return?
I'd pack the kids up to my mums or friends for the evening or whatever just so you can actually relax, go and have a great time, and as soon as I got back, make plans to leave the bastard

Blossomtoes · 13/05/2021 18:49

What on earth are you ‘asking’ instead of telling him you’re going? And why are you ‘nervous’ of ‘asking’ you need to reevaluate your relationship OP.

This. If mine said “Not happening”, his feet wouldn’t touch. Just go, ffs.

godmum56 · 13/05/2021 18:51

never mind dealbreaker, huge mega run do not walk away red flag.

maddening · 13/05/2021 18:51

Tell him that if you can't then he can't either, and that if he goes whilst trying to veto your time away then you will be considering your relationship full stop.

maddening · 13/05/2021 18:53

Or just go,straight to reconsidering the relationship based on the fact that he is lazy, unpleasant, controlling etc

Quillboard · 13/05/2021 18:53

He is treating you very badly OP...
Leave him

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 18:53

In "why does he do that .." the author talks about a client (male abuser) who accuses his partner of cheating on him of planning to, sometimes in preposterous scenarios .. like she must have got off with a guy (stranger).she shared a lift with for a few minutes.

In their private session he asked him very directly did he really believe his partner would have sexual contact with a stranger in a couple if minute lift ride, and he admitted that no, he didn't. It transpired it was a sort of hen pecking, controlling, bullying strategy to keep her on the back foot, defending herself, aware that her every movement would be up for scrutiny, extremely reluctant to do anything that he could kick off about etc etc strategy to gain and keep control in the relationship.

amber763 · 13/05/2021 18:57

He's not the boss of you! It's meant to be a partnership. Why on earth would you need his permission. He should also be capable of looking after his kids regardless of their age. He sounds like a wanker

Maggiesfarm · 13/05/2021 18:59

I think you should go but if you have any family around, ideally grandparents, on whom you could farm the children, at least overnight, that would put everyone's mind at rest. Yes I know he should be able to manage his own kids but I'm thinking of the here and now.

Please do find a way of going, it's important to be independent and to show your husband that his fears are unfounded.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 13/05/2021 19:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on request of the poster.

willsa · 13/05/2021 19:23

He is a controlling and abusive arse. Not even hiding that fact because he knows he is with somebody that will just take it.
I also would like to know the reason to post this question. Is it for some masochistic kick? It's like watching someone slowly drown whilst unable to help them - not a spectacle I enjoy.

Poor kids. That's all.

Rachand23 · 13/05/2021 19:37

Tell HIM ur going away is not up for discussion. See what his reaction is. Is it something you what to put up with for the rest of your life? Tell him that you need to make an appointment together with marriage guidance as his behaviour is seriously putting your relationship at risk.

Good luck though I expect if you do go away you will not now enjoy yourself, so he will have won to a degree. You need to get this sorted now.

m0therofdragons · 13/05/2021 19:38

I always ask Dh if I can go somewhere but it’s for 2 reasons:

  1. So he can point out if I’ve forgotten we have another commitment
  2. It’s a polite way to tell him

He’d never say no because I’m an adult and he’s not my dad.

Iloveacurry · 13/05/2021 19:43

So he can go away but you can’t?!

Sloth66 · 13/05/2021 19:56

I’m guessing he doesn’t ask your permission before going away himself?
Frankly he sounds a nasty piece of work.
Manipulative and controlling.

saraclara · 13/05/2021 19:59

The marriage would be over for me.

GroggyLegs · 13/05/2021 19:59

@MarshmallowAra

In "why does he do that .." the author talks about a client (male abuser) who accuses his partner of cheating on him of planning to, sometimes in preposterous scenarios .. like she must have got off with a guy (stranger).she shared a lift with for a few minutes.

In their private session he asked him very directly did he really believe his partner would have sexual contact with a stranger in a couple if minute lift ride, and he admitted that no, he didn't. It transpired it was a sort of hen pecking, controlling, bullying strategy to keep her on the back foot, defending herself, aware that her every movement would be up for scrutiny, extremely reluctant to do anything that he could kick off about etc etc strategy to gain and keep control in the relationship.

My god. Reading this has made me feel a bit sick. It's so... calculated.
wewereliars · 13/05/2021 20:04

Maggiesfarm he doesnt have ANY fears this is about control

Lilymossflower · 13/05/2021 20:10

Major abusive behavior on his part

Please seek support, freedom programe, etc

Xxxx

Hollywolly1 · 13/05/2021 20:20

I wouldn't be asking in the first place.I think you possibly never expected him to help with the children and he's had his own way for year's,but its never to late for change.
I notice he gets to do all his things and how about you now, you are right a night or two away with friends for shopping and meals and drinks especially after covid restrictions being lifted sounds really great and who wouldn't want their partner to have fun

MarshmallowAra · 13/05/2021 20:23

I also would like to know the reason to post this question. Is it for some masochistic kick?

What a horrible post - you've clearly never dealt with anyone in a controlling or abusive (or even just unequal) relationship, they end up doubting themselves. There been a lot of boiled frog going on here.

So nasty to op who needs support.

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