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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

996 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 02/02/2021 00:23

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
CatChant · 02/02/2021 00:34

Hello MoreLegs. How are you this evening? You've been through a hell of a day. Do remember to put yourself first, won't you? Your not so DH has made his own bed to lie in.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight.

FortunesFave · 02/02/2021 00:36

Well done Legs. This has been a shocking few weeks for you and now to cap it all, he's in hospital.

If I were you, I'd be looking into divorce proceedings now...try to secure your financial future.x

Catmaiden · 02/02/2021 00:59

Hugs @MoreLegsThanMe
Thinking of you xx

Sassysally12 · 02/02/2021 01:13

Just read the update, we are all here for you. It’s so hard especially when he’s ill and it would be usually who would step in and care for him. Just remind yourself, he cheated on you, he’s shown himself
To be a different man to who you married, he’s barely spoke to his own children, he chose this. So obviously check he’s ok and whatever you feel you need to do, but leave the rest to her. The reality of his age is going to hit her now she’s having to deal with real life problems of dating an older man. At 37 years old it isn’t ideal being with a a 60 year old Man who’s just had a heart attack, has ED, a wife he’s just cruelly left and 5 kids.. I mean really if this is going it for her she’s off her head. Especially when she has a job and kids of her own its going to get real veryyyyy fast, not exactly the honeymoon stage they were hoping for!! Keep your head up, this isn’t your mess to clean up anymore xxx

Sassysally12 · 02/02/2021 01:13

Doing it for her***

PheasantPlucker1 · 02/02/2021 01:17

How are you feeling tonight OP? I think your DC are right about the karma!

Have you thought about starting to get things sorted yet, finances and maintenance and that?

bluebell34567 · 02/02/2021 01:22

i dont think ow will stay long.
i am not sure how you are feeling but because of 36 years together you may feel you can not leave him alone when he is ill.

callistography · 02/02/2021 01:49

Hi there @MoreLegsThanMe .

I was writing you a long message on the other thread but my DC woke up.

I hope you're as ok as you can he. What a horrible time you're having - that utter bastard of a man and harridan of an OW. Sending you many many hugs.

Please take heed of what people are saying on here. He has treated you appallingly and has brought this shower of shit on himself.

You really must not end up somehow as his carer.
Don't take him back whenever that bitch of an OW slinks off (and she will, believe me)
He has caused all this with his own actions and his own poor behaviour and will have to deal with the fallout himself.

You don't owe him anything. This isn't one of those marriages that ended because you drifted apart but stayed friends. You do not deserve to be dragged through anything more that involves him (apart from a few court hearings to finalise a divorce )

Stay as strong as you can. Xxx

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/02/2021 04:15

Hi Legs. From what you posted yesterday evening re the ow getting information out of the hospital, she seems to be sticking around for the moment. This at least gives you the ability to step back and not feel obliged to step up. You are going to feel upset, frightened and confused. I can understand how this has taken you back to the start. Do not lose the sight of you and the healing you’ve already been through. It will come back once the current crisis has passed.

S111n20 · 02/02/2021 05:31

💐

Skipsurvey · 02/02/2021 06:06

Please give him none of your thoughts op.
think of yourself.

billybagpuss · 02/02/2021 06:22

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe I hope you’re feeling a bit more settled today after yesterday’s events. The reaction from his df and your dc is telling. Hopefully you will continue to feel stronger, it really is worth quietly starting to look at legal things especially after recent events.

ChristmasFluff · 02/02/2021 06:46

If the OW has information on him, he has listed her as next of kin, I would guarantee it.

Next of kin is taken when you are admitted in hospital. People can say anything, no proof of relationship is required. The ex who stalked me was naming me as his next of kin for years.

Let his next of kin care for him.

cantkeepgoing · 02/02/2021 07:00

Morning op
We are all still here for you x

rainbowstardrops · 02/02/2021 07:04

Bloody hell OP, more shit to think about! But he's not your problem any more. Let's see if OW finds him quite such a catch now.

pipsqueakbollock · 02/02/2021 07:22

Right with you still - one step at a time

LAMPS1 · 02/02/2021 07:26

OP, you have had fantastic support and advice on here but with this new event of him being ill, everybody is still telling you to write him off, not care for him or about him and start divorce proceedings.
It must be so hard for you to see the wood for the trees knowing he had a heart attack and knowing that in fact, you know him far better equipped than OW in terms of caring for him. After all these years, your natural instinct could now be to so desperately want all the nightmare and firm resolve of the last few weeks to dissolve away so that you end up accept the caring role for him. So please be very careful now not to let that just happen. Your feelings were justifiably all over the place before this and now you must be so tired and drained and worried.
Please don’t rush to do anything. Take your time, don’t act, just plod through the day as you were doing before. And let the kind ladies on here keep supporting you at night time for another 40 pages or until your own clear head and firm resolve comes back - as it will eventually.
You aren’t alone.

callistography · 02/02/2021 08:30

I think@LAMPS1 has put it beautifully. I know what it's like to feel that urge to care for them. But nearly two years down the line with no way in sight of getting the leaching arse of a man out of my house/life) I can speak from very very personal experience.

Don't.
Don't follow those natural instincts.
Don't cave.
Don't do it through misplaced sense of loyalty. He had no loyalty for you.

Look after yourself and your children

Mix56 · 02/02/2021 08:47

It seems he has given OW the next of kin privileges.
That tells you everything you need to know. Sorry.
I would proceed as soon as possible with the divorce & settlement re house.
& your family money before she gets her hands on anything

DianeCherry · 02/02/2021 09:19

I agree with @Mix56, you really should see a solicitor and protect your and DC's financial future. What if he changed his will in OW's favour and didn't survive the next heart attack? Please do get the settlement underway as soon as possible.

SunshineCake · 02/02/2021 11:39

Have you sorted out money as she is sly enough to tell him to take more than his share. Surely you need 96% as there are six of you?

Marshy86 · 02/02/2021 11:40

Hi Op,

Sorry to hear that you feel this has sent you backwards but I think use this as an opportunity to see how important it is to get everything in regards order. The last thing you want is the OW to have a claim on the house. Protect yourself and your children x

Itstimetoquit · 02/02/2021 11:46

I'm sorry your going through such an awful time,you are an incredibly strong lady,you are doing amazing x

SuperSange · 02/02/2021 11:50

That's super. She's his NOK, she can deal with him. You can get on with sorting the divorce. This shown how much he values you. x

Jasminesmellingcandles · 02/02/2021 11:55

Glad to find the new thread OP. We are still all here anytime to hand hold and off load to.
You are doing great 💐.

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