Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I understand your reticense regarding the divorce, only you know whats best for you, we don't know your finacial circumstances.

It's really not for us to say but I would say if you did decide to file , you know that it can be stopped at a later date if you so wish. Your head must be filled with it and sometimes it's the indecision that holds us back from moving on.

I would concentrate on growing stronger at the moment it is still very early days. Try to rest as much as possible, so long as he's not clearing bank accounts and moving money, let the tablets have time to kick in, you may feel a little clearer in a few weeks as what you want to do.

Take care' if you feel you need to sleep some time away, sleep.
Be kind to yourself.
x

A month is nothing op, and you have had this recent setback to throw all sorts of feelings back in your face.
Time is the only healer in this, and I know you feel you havn't the strength to continue, but it will get easier, the pain will decrease and you will see that their relationship will turn to crap.

God I would hate to be in that relationship, either of them, it's hardly what dreams are made of is it. ?
They are just a laughing stock.

How will they live it down.
You have much to be proud of, and from this your confidence will grow, I will put money on it.
x

A 'whole' month is very little time to get used to any kind of change. This is a big change and you are grieving. Be patient with yourself.

As for the bed of roses - a bit cold and thorny when you try it for real.

Rosy?

Definitely not.

He's just had a heart attack and I doubt OW is much of a sick nurse. And they are both monstrously selfish individuals. I think they will end by making each other miserable and it serves them right.

There's no prescribed time scale for recovery MoreLegs. People grieve in different ways and for different lengths of time. But you will begin to feel better eventually. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will.

I would start organising the paperwork and finances, and, yes, a divorce petition. It's a practical thing you can do and I think you ought to safeguard yourself and the DCs. It will put you in control of the situation and, frankly, I would not trust either him or her to behave honourably.

Take care. Sleep tight.

OP you are doing so well given what you have been put through. Its still early days and all of your feelings are v normal. I'm a year out now and it is a slow process but it does start to get better, a month in I was a mess too. Please read this link if you get a chance, reading the archive posts on this website really helped me. I found this one so good and I thought of you when I re-read it tonight:

www.chumplady.com/2021/02/jealous-of-the-other-woman/

It might help a little but really all you can do right now is be kind to yourself, let your lovely children support you, open up to family and give yourself time.

My counsellor said at the beginning that the more time I spent trying to work him out and thinking of him the less I thought of myself and my future. I didn't really understand it at the time but I tried to allow myself a while to think the thoughts of him and then turn my mind back to myself. Believe me after 33 yrs it has been hard to see life and the future alone but time helps.

Knowing that you are no longer being used and disrespected will eventually be more important to you than being back in a life with him. I long for peace and though I'm not there yet I can now imagine it will come. You are doing what we have all done, mourning for the man you thought he was, in time that will ease as you see he is not that person.

You are being so brave, you don't feel it now but you will look back in time and see how amazing you are so one day or one hour at a time

They’re definitely not in a love nest. They can’t have spontaneous sex or any sex possibly due to his heart attack. So that means she is caring for an older sick man. I think it’s going to go downhill for her very quickly.
OP what I will say is make sure you’re protected financially. She sounds like the kind of woman who thinks she’s entitled to financial gain from him. Do not let her take anything like that away from your or your DCs

The not wanting to file for divorce is completely understandable especially after 32 years, but you should get your finances in order, make sure he’s paying cms, make sure your dcs get any inheritance should anything happen to you (you definitely don’t want her getting her grubby mitts on it) However filing for divorce will give you an element of control and that’s one thing you’ve said many times you haven’t felt. He’s left you twice now and come back, you deserve so much better, you are much more than just a safety net.

Feeling lonely again is understandable but it is as much to do with lockdown as with him, you were without him while he was away being a prat last year, you got through it, you will again. You say it’s a month but in reality it’s 7 months with a small break. It’s just the second time hit you harder. When things open up again and you can start exploring life and you will feel less alone. You also said up thread that prior to the heart attack you were feeling less obsessive over them being together, that’s massive progress, the heart attack maybe a blip but you’re still heading up.

Sending hugs again.

Hello. From my own experience, get agreement on the finances now, whilst he’ll be feeling more guilty. I didn’t do this and regretted it. At the very least see a solicitor, despite your own legal knowledge.

You’re doing really well, even though it may not feel like it 💐

My DH had a heart attack a few years ago. A 'mild' one at that. The aftermath was pretty gruelling for us; emotionally, mentally and physically.
The post surgery medication made my DH both incredibly sleepy all the time, and nauseous when he was awake. Mentally he was really knocked sideways by it. He'd been fit and healthy before it happened but actually did not just 'bounce back' and even with all the support I had in place I found it very hard on me too.

So no, I don't think it's all rosy at all. Especially if she is 'needy' and prone to histrionics. I didn't often feel it, but actually I am a strong and deeply compassionate person - and caring for my DH post MI often made me feel resentful and frustrated.
I suspect their 'bed of roses' has a distinct whiff of manure right about now.

I have just read both threads (the whole lot)...Send the divorce papers in now while he’s vulnerable. You have kids to worry about. He’s set up his love shack, and is obviously about to start changing wills, etc. He’ll probably be feeling pretty resentful since nobody rang for his birthday straight after his heart attack. Don’t be surprised if he gets vindictive. You need to act very quickly.

I totally agree with @justilou1. Feelings of guilt will rapidly dissipate and be replaced by vindictiveness. I recognise that this isn't where your head is at OP, but honestly, and coming from one of the many PPs who have been through it, go for divorce as soon as you can. This is no failure on your part at all. Your H broke his contract with you and that was entirely his decision and the responsibility for the failure of the marriage resides entirely with him.

I think... if you do one thing proactively every day, (binning his things, filing for divorce, counselling for yourself, finding a hobby, new friends, ...) there soon will be time to absorb the enormity of him leaving.

And with that, the realisation that you are stronger than he or even you yourself would have thought, will come.

In the not too distant future, your life will be so amazingly fulfilling, that you won't want to spend another second in your head on your ex.

I had a "dad" like your STBXH, my mum would keep silent for years. Fully knowing he went to prostitutes, had affairs, bought presents, made debts, ... You name it, and he probably did it. My mum foolishly believed he would come back to her, one day, when he'd realise the hurt he had caused her and our family.

Don't be that foolish and naive. People like that do not deserve trust. Your children will have a better sense of self and relationships if you allow yourself to be your number 1 priority for this moment in time.

Your life is worth living to the fullest, especially without him!

@MoreLegsThanMe I think if you can you need to stop focussing on him and her and the if only and what if.

Try to find a positive every day, you are now in control of your own life and you and the DC need to start rebuilding.

Imagine he has died if it's easier, you are grieving for the loss of the relationship and all the things you did together and had hoped to do in the future.

Can you make an appointment with relate even if it's on the phone or online? They might be able to offer some practical advice and support.

It's been four weeks, you've managed, you've survived, you've got here. Treat yourself to a nice meal and a glass of,your favourite tipple tonight.

You are doing well.
You could move for a settlement /financial agreement now and divorce in 6 months or so. As PP wisely said for a marriage to work it takes 2 and he buggered off.
It's easier to say than do but work on your every thought not being on him , what he is doing and what his next move is.
You need to start thinking what do you want, what is your next move. What do you need so you can protect your kids. Try snd slowly turn your focus back on yourself.
Have you any ideas , even if they are bit daft and post pandemic about how you can meet other adults IRL. Not romantic just friendships. Maybe going back to work? Volunteering? Or clubs/interests? Even if you are just trying these ideas out in your head, start thinking that way.

Of course it isn't all rosy. His new dick probably isn't fully functioning yet (wasn't quite sure how to word that, I've never heard of this procedure before but I can't imagine it works great from day one)
Now he's had a heart attack too, I doubt they're still in a honeymoon period.

He must also have the tensions with the kids at the back of his mind constantly.

It won't be as lovely as you're imagining

Even of his dick does actually work, he may not be allowed to use it atm. That might make you feel better.

@justilou1

I have just read both threads (the whole lot)...Send the divorce papers in now while he’s vulnerable. You have kids to worry about. He’s set up his love shack, and is obviously about to start changing wills, etc. He’ll probably be feeling pretty resentful since nobody rang for his birthday straight after his heart attack. Don’t be surprised if he gets vindictive. You need to act very quickly.

I've also just read both threads, and while it may seem quite hard for you, I agree that you will need to move quickly.

for you, and I really hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Thank you all so much and for that link @Thebeginningoftheend.

I don’t really know what to say tonight. You all seem so wise and I wonder why it is that I can’t seem to think like you!

Today I just feel really tired and worn out. I have no idea why. I even spent two hours half-asleep on the sofa. I’ll try and be more active tomorrow.

He’s not spoken or messaged the DC at all since he left, except for the first one professing his love and the second to say he had been discharged from hospital. It’s still like a knife in me every time I think about him ignoring the people I thought were most important in his life. He’s so self-absorbed.

Bless you, you poor thing. He’s a fool and he’ll realise that when it’s too late. You’re doing so well, even though you might not feel that way. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay: sit with it, feel it, and know that it will pass. I’ve found that ignoring the way I feel isn’t good because it will only jump up and bite me when I least expect it. Everyone’s different though. You won’t feel like this forever.

I came across this (by TS Eliot) which may or may not help:

“This is one moment,
But know that another
Shall pierce you with a
sudden painful joy.”

You’ll get there, in time, and we’ll all be here for you for as long as you need us.

@MoreLegsThanMe honestly you're doing so well, it's only been a month. I was a wreck, an absolute mess after a month.

But think back to what you said after a week - and here you are.

You are making progress, you really are. You are getting there, and will continue to do so.

Try and focus on you and your DC, don't try and guess what he's thinking or you'll drive yourself mad

Thank you for that @LibyanFeet.

Since he left I’ve hated nighttimes - the house so quiet, just nothing but thinking time. It’s so horrible. I can’t believe their cruelty because that’s what this is, the pair of them have been downright cruel to do this to my DC and I.

Have you considered counselling? Gently, I wonder if H checked out of the marriage a long time ago and his ED and supporting him through it has (possibly) got in the way of you having to deal with it. The advice to try and turn your thoughts back to YOU and your needs is good. You almost need to train you brain back to you. Your main priority needs to be your financial security though. That needs to be top of the list.

I'm up still and just wondered if someone already suggested this... Might help to keep a diary of sorts, of the things going through your mind?

A written word or letter might make it possible for you to finally "voice" your disappointment, anger, heart ache and hurt? He has lost the rights to your emotions the moment he betrayed you, would it help you to release/untangle a tiny bit?

You might even find your anger... And you never need to send it

Today I just feel really tired and worn out. I have no idea why. I even spent two hours half-asleep on the sofa. I’ll try and be more active tomorrow

@MoreLegsThanMe this is actually a good thing, you have had no quality sleep at all in 2021. Your body needs this to recover. We all know exactly why 💐 I will admit to a small chuckle when you said ‘I don’t know why’ you have been phenomenally strong holding it all together you need the naps.

Active is also good, try and do it outside, it’s going to be a chilly one, but maybe start planning the garden for the summer, so as you get stronger over the year, the fruits of your labours will reward you. My job today is weeding the front garden which is like a quagmire and I’ve some summer bulbs to get in.

It’s natural to give yourself a hard time over this - we all do - but show yourself some kindness and compassion too.

Cut yourself some slack... and nod off on the sofa.

Be kind to yourself.