Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

@MoreLegsThanMe sorry I've just found the first post. What strikes me is why they thought you needed to know he had gone to hospital. Surely if it's over and he has left them you don't need to be told? He could have contacted the DC himself to tell them?

Just a way to get at you and niggle. I would be inclined to block them both and ask for contact to be via email and about the DC and nothing else as his health matters no longer concern you. He knows you remember, knows what you're going through.

Act in a way which will totally surprise him and set him on the back foot. Take back control. Put your foot down. From now on this has to be on your terms.

Yes @wifterwafter it was a heart attack. My phone rang with his name and because it was so late/early (around 12.30am) my first thought was he was ringing to tell me his father had died. Instead it was OW telling me about him. I don’t know why she saw fit to tell me - she probably thought she was being magnanimous.

That’s really the
the only communication there has been. I’ve not seen nor spoken to him since the day he left, except he sent a message when he was discharged from the hospital.

There’s a part of me that wants him to see what the pair of them have done to me.

Their whole ‘relationship’ is built on lies and more lies and mistrust yet still she apparently loves him and would do anything for him.

And here am I after giving this man thirty-seven years of my life and the result is I’m just finished.

Hi lovely,

Oh God, I can feel this has pushed things back for you, but the reality is at the moment he is probably sat in a chair terrified of doing anything in case he has another heart attack.
Even though he's ok it will have left it's mark on his mental health.

He's going to to feel the pressure now, all the guilt, her demands, her children, his realisation that his own father and children didn't seem to care when he was in hospital.

He's got to be a robot for that not to affect him.
Don't worry about him, he can't be having it great, you on the other hand have support, love and dignity which will give you strength.

Try to do one thing a day for you, other than your cleaning which I know keeps you occupied.
Have you been outside yet, a short walk to a park with the dc's, fresh air could make you sleep better.
Do you like online shopping, treat yourself to some luxuries, whatever you have a passion for, you deserve it.

One thing a day, just for you, not doing things for others. Sometimes it's hard to get out of doing things for others.
I want you to be selfish, for a change.!

You are not finished, you have had another setback, things will change, just keep going, one step at a time again.

We are walking with you.

These are difficult days for all of us OP, so your grief is going to be compounded by the lockdown and lack of normality and routine. Give yourself a break and look towards spring and getting on with your life. You are clearly depressed and this season and the current circumstances aren't helping that but things will change and you will get stronger. The amazing women on here are testament to that!

Hope you're ok OP. Hour by hour....

I'm so sorry

The unnecessary pain that selfish people cause is astounding

You are strong
You are braver than many xxxx

you are not finished. you have beautiful children and a free life to do what you want in front of you.

You are not finished @MoreLegsThanMe you are an amazingly strong person to come this far, and you will get further and better. We will be here to hold your hand.

Before you do show them how you feel, think out what you hope it will lead to and whether this is really what you want.

Your apparent strength is probably more disturbing for your DH. It is interesting that he had the OW made his next-of-kin so that the hospital would not speak to you... but then provoked you into trying to do so by letting you know.

Even in this situation he really wants the pick-me-dance.
Deny it!

I don't think that you showing them how destroyed you feel will make them feel bad. They must already know that it was wrong - and they have settled things so that they can live with this.

I would not want pity from them anyway - do you? Will you want it in the future when the cuts have healed?

Thank you.

My H all used to my “strength” several times during our last conversation. From what he told me of the OW she is more prone to histrionics.

He’s such an accomplished liar. He would literally look into your eyes and lie to you.

I wonder if he is scared to do anything as you so wisely say @Onthedunes. Both his DF and my DF had several heart attacks and whilst I don’t know how his DF was affected I do remember mine being quite scared for a while after one of his. He didn’t really want to do anything in case he had a repeat (although of course to be fair this was all such a long time ago and treatments and so on are so much more advanced now).

It is the first of the year’s “firsts” next month (not including Valentines Day), his sixtieth birthday. And all there will be will be one card for him to open from her. Unless she ropes her family in to send stuff.

How utterly pathetic to spend a milestone birthday like that.

*not all used, I meant alluded

And spending it like that because of your own choosing. No doubt complaining that the DC are ignoring it.

Did his dad or the kids message him when he was in hospital/ was released from hospital, OP?

He's the fool. He's left for a woman prone to histrionics, he's upset his children so much they don't want to see him...and now he can't even enjoy life!

If he'd stayed with you, he'd have been looked after properly...no telling what this woman's idea of 'care' is when she thinks it's acceptable to shout up at your house and air all her dirty laundry in public.

I wouldn't wonder if he's not thought about that himself. His heart attack will be paramount on his mind, it must be, and anyone , especially him who thinks of himself, must be thinking if this whole saga is what caused his heart attack, cause and effect.

I will say though please protect youself financially, are you keeping an eye on his financial activity, is your money still tied in accounts.
i don't trust this woman she sounds too entitled not to think of money.

I should imagine his birthday will be a washout.
Why not have a small family celebration, with the kids a special tea or something, at home, something nice to post on facebook, obs without him on his special day.

Beware he doesn't find a way to be home with you all for his birthday as he did for Christmas!

No, @WizardOfAus, nobody messaged him at all. His DF seems to have completely disowned him.

I wouldn’t imagine the DC will even mention his birthday and it will pass by quite unnoticed.

I am a bit sad though, that for the first time in thirty-seven years I/we won’t be celebrating his birthday. It will be the same with all the others firsts too won’t it? Don’t know how I’ll get through those.

I’ve thought about issuing the divorce petition, a lot. I just don’t think I’m ready for it yet. For me it’s like the ultimate symbol of failure, like nearly all my life has lead to is failure.

Does that make any kind of sense at all?

you looking at it from another direction, like your marriage failed means you failed. it is not like that at all. its a 2 person game and he failed.
with wrong choices he will fail again. i dont think it is bed of roses there.

OP it's his failure, not yours. Failure of character, integrity, commitment and all-round honour.
The "first" milestones are each difficult - but you'll only have to do them once, never again. Next time it's his birthday, it won't be any kind of milestone, and I would bet a lot of money you'll be well on the road to your new life and the way you're feeling now will be just a memory.

How do you think he will respond if you file for divorce.
Have either of you spoken about it?

Send the divorce for his birthday! That will knock the wind out his sails. Do it before he does.

He’s never mentioned it @Onthedunes. She is married still too. I suppose it’s what I think I should do, like it’s the next step. I couldn’t imagine him wanting to marry again (although I couldn’t have imagined all this either, so who knows).

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, or rather wake up and this has all passed me by and everything’s happy again. Instead here I am alone while those two selfish bastards are tucked up in their little love nest.

"wake up and this has all passed me by and everything’s happy again"
Dear OP. That's actually what will happen eventually, and it'll happen sooner than you think. At first you won't feel that way every single day, but it will start to be the case intermittently, then less intermittently, then consistently and the good days will be your norm.
Where you are now is in grief for the relationship you once had, which is now gone. You have to get through that grief, one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. But it doesn't last forever.

@Grimsknee that is so very true !!

It’ll be a whole month this Sunday. Should I still be feeling so crap?

It’s the whole being alone thing I just don’t think I can cope with. It’s so hard. So bloody hard.

And truly, do you not think everything is rosy for them?