Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Ps. I took my wedding ring off a few weeks ago. I had ditched the engagement ring already when he left, as that symbolised to me the time when he gave it to me, a time he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.... obviously not true now.
Now I've taken the wedding ring off too, I consciously look down at my bare hand all the time. I'm getting used to it and now what I think when I look down, is I'm not a mug and I'm making a statement that I'm not symbolising our non existent marriage anymore. I don't have a husband anymore so why would I display that I do have one and pretend to the world everything is normal? As it's not....
Also, lots of people in my local community know what he's done, so I suddenly felt very silly still wearing the ring.
There's no way he's having the rings back either. I am finding inspiration from some of the lovely words here on what to do with my rings.
Sending you loads of empathetic hugs and support Legs xx

@MoreLegsThanMe - take it from a 50 something who left her STBEX almost a year ago, that there ARE good men out there, and the sex is AMAZEBALLS! 😉

I’m sure I had cobwebs up inside certain parts of my anatomy, but I’m delighted to report that they’ve all been blown away, and everything is in working order. 😊

It’s early days for us, and I’m not sure I could ever even live with someone again, but having some male company in and out of bed, is just great. He’s the polarised opposite of my ‘D’H.

All I have to add today is legs life is too short for ironing.

And all you ladies are awesome.

I can see how writing a letter would be cathartic (and maybe keep to remind yourself of how he made you feel if he starts trying to worm his way back in) but I wouldn't send it him. He hasn't given you or your children any clear explanations for scuttling off so I don't think he deserves the courtesy of hearing your deepest thoughts about how he's made you feel either.

I don’t think you need to give him any explanations. He didn’t give you any, did he? If he had, they would have been rubbish anyway and wouldn’t have changed the outcome. Just file. You won’t have the satisfaction of seeing the look on his face, but you will know that you got in first for once in your life. It will also totally mess with OW because she won’t expect him to be so wounded by this.

@TheWeeDonkeyFella

I can see how writing a letter would be cathartic (and maybe keep to remind yourself of how he made you feel if he starts trying to worm his way back in) but I wouldn't send it him. He hasn't given you or your children any clear explanations for scuttling off so I don't think he deserves the courtesy of hearing your deepest thoughts about how he's made you feel either.

My letter won't be my deepest thoughts, more of a F* you, exit letter! Mine will tell him how I'll never forgive him, how he'll never have the same relationship with his children ever again, how everyone he knows is appalled at his behaviour, that there will be consequences and that I am in control of it by filing for divorce. But yes, I see your point that it might be best for Legs to just slam the divorce at him with not a word, as he has done that to her. Your choice Legs. You must do what's best for you and go with your gut feel at the time and have no regrets whatever way you decide to do it. We are only human and there is no right or wrong way to play this, as for us the situation is unprecedented and we don't actually know how best to handle it. Do what you feel xx

Also legs, if the thread is helping you, it might be worth starting a new one and sharing the link on this one as after this post you have 17 posts left.

Thank you x

I like the letter idea and I don’t like it. I feel if I sent one it would cause no end of hilarity between them. I can see them picking bits out and reading them aloud and collapsing in laughter. But I so want them to know what they’ve done and what’s it’s done to me. I’ll probably end up taking the live off last resistance and not writing anything.

As you all know by now, today is the Sunday anniversary and I’ve barely acknowledged it. Slowly, infinitesimally slowly, what you all said would happen is happening. They are taking up less headspace. I’m sure this won’t be this way all the time, I’ll have times when they do and I think I can’t bear another second, but I’m just taking it day by day and today was okay.

I realise I’ve sat here over ten minutes now and I can’t remember how to start a new thread nor how to link to it from this one. Help! Please?

These threads help me beyond anything you could even imagine. That you all take such time and effort to help someone you don’t even know. I’ll never forget all this. I’ve shared stuff I never could have in RL and your posts have helped me than all the pills put together. Thank you so so much.

x

I wouldn’t want them to know what they’ve done and how you feel, because I genuinely don’t think they’d care, and as you mentioned with the letter scenario the worry that they would be using using your hurt for their own entertainment. I think the dignified silence you have been keeping is far more effective.

The head space will get less and less and on days when it’s maybe more, it will still be less than it was. You’re doing so well.

As for starting a new thread at the top of the page under the big blue bar where it says ‘Talk relationships’ there’s a start new thread link. Just click on that and when you’re done just copy the link from the new thread and paste it into this one.

I would write the letter for your own benefit, just as a way of getting it out BUT don't send it. Why give them anything more of yourself. You sound so lovely and generous with your family and they do not deserve to think you give them a second of your thoughts or time.
No one can behave so poorly without regret deep down but don't you live your life waiting for them to realise or karma to bite them.
I've read this for a time but never posted, I think you are amazing @MoreLegsThanMe

Good morning MoreLegs

I agree with the others. In your particular situation if you want to write a letter do it in your journal as a catharsis. Don't send it. He isn't to be trusted not to see it as a boost to the ego or to use it against you, and maintaining radio silence will get under his skin more than anything else.

You are doing so, so well. That selfish idiot smashed a juggernaut through your life and right from the start you did your best to make everything as normal as possible for the DC and hid the extent of your pain until you were alone. I think we all knew then that you were brave, unselfish and determined enough to get through this, and you are proving us right.

You really are amazing. I hope today's a good one for you.

Agreed here also. Don’t send anything.
Writing stuff down for yourself, the stuff that’s in your head or that you’d love to say to them, helped me enormously. It was like emptying your head of it all and cleared out the painful emotions too. But it was for my eyes only.
Dignified silence really is the best way to go.
I have never met or even seen my husband’s ex OW and have no desire to. At the time I sure did. But I learned that she’s an irrelevance with integrity issues of her own and his behaviour and his integrity was the actual issue. Initially I wanted to rip everyone a new one, including and especially her. As I said, she really wasn’t the issue. She wasn’t special and could have been anybody who was prepared to give him sex in exchange for being second best. Once I realised that l, I gave her the headspace she deserved: none.

I wrote several letters that I never sent and had no intention of sending. But I got to “say” everything I wanted to and it was cathartic.
Keep on carrying on, Legs. You can do it. You are doing it and you’re an amazing woman. X

I’ve decided not to write a letter. He’s so completely unrecognisable from the man I know that the pair of them would read it and fall about laughing. I really prays she fucks off and leave him
at some point, so he can feel the tiniest part of what I’m feeling.

The DC don’t seem to have heard from him for a while. He probably can’t even think of anything to say. So pathetic isn’t he me?

I managed a little bit of outside tighhol

I'm glad you feel you have had some sucour from us Legs, the truth is many ladies on this forum help one another even when we've not posted a problem. Many of us have been hurt and are at different stages of our healing, whatever we choose to do, it helps us also.

We can advise, but you know best ultimately, you seem very wise and reflective and I'm sure things will improve for you. I agree letter writing can help, done it all my life after losing my mom very young, it helps but I'd never let anyone read them, that goes with my feelings about my husband I wrote down.
Good to look back on though, painful but it shows you how far you have come in healing.
My husband wrote a letter to me that he never gave me, I found it, there was no remorse, just pity for himself and his lack of understanding in how I could not forgive.

Anyway, I hope tommorow is better.
New thread awaits.
Take care xx

@MoreLegsThanMe

I’ve decided not to write a letter. He’s so completely unrecognisable from the man I know that the pair of them would read it and fall about laughing. I really prays she fucks off and leave him at some point, so he can feel the tiniest part of what I’m feeling.

The DC don’t seem to have heard from him for a while. He probably can’t even think of anything to say. So pathetic isn’t he me?

I managed a little bit of outside tighhol

Sorry if I confused you Legs by giving you a dilemma on the letter. Not intended at all. @Onthedunes is so right, your thread is helping me enormously and your bravery and dignity is inspiring me to carry on in my situation too. We all have to do what's right for us as individuals and at the end of the day, go with a gut feel, having absorbed advice and different opinions from others, knowing that there's no right or wrong in this actually, only what's right for you.

Hoping your certificate lands on the doorstep this week, I'm able to track mine and it's now on its way to the local delivery depot.
The relief I'm beginning to feel is enormous that finally control will be mine.
Wishing you all the best in getting yours ready to be able to file too.... xx

A little bit of outside today that should have read - must’ve been more tired than I thought when I posted!

You’ve only got 7 messages left on this thread @MoreLegsThanMe if you want a new thread you could do with posting the link 💐

I’m not sure she will actually leave him, they’ve both dumped so much, they need each other. They’ll probably stick together in misery as the only other option is alone knowing how much they both sacrificed for their ‘perfect’ life together and they are not going to want to admit that. But it will be far from the perfect love nest you are imagining. Especially in 10 years time, when you will be having the time of your life with all this a distant memory and she will be his carer.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes a soggy, half-arsed attempt to crawl back when the divorce notice lands in his lap. (He won’t mean it, but he wants to be in the driving seat and you to remain the landing pad.)

Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

Hopefully this will work...

It hasn’t - I’m illiterate.

Should be More Legs chapter three- the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

Don’t know where I’ve gone wrong....

It's here MoreLegs.