Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Like @billybagpuss I think being very tired is a good sign, and a chance for you to rest and recover from the intolerable stress you've been suffering.

If you can get out in the fresh air today for a long walk or pottering about the garden I think you would feel brighter.

It is much, much easier said than done, but try not to let those two horrors take up lodging in your brain. Try to think of, and do, nice distracting things as well.

Bump

There is a lot of great advice on here, @MoreLegsThanMe, but don’t beat yourself up if you feel you can’t act on it yet. It’s not that you ‘can’t think like that’. It’s that you can’t think that way now. At the moment. You will with time.
You have had a horrible, horrible shock and your mental health is being attacked on all sides by a betrayal of this kind. It is perfectly normal to be floored by something like this and you need to take enormous care of yourself and try to achieve one small thing for yourself each day. Sometimes it will be an achievement to just empty the washing machine or make a snack. You really can’t run before you can walk and shouldn’t berate yourself for not feeling better sooner. You are doing really well just to breathe in and out and put one foot in front of another at the moment. You will be able to think in terms of the wise advice here in time as your strength returns. It will. With time and self care. In the meantime get as much help and advice as you can.
There are no medals for getting through this shit unfortunately, there really ought to be, it’s no small feat.
Be kind to yourself and take care X

OP it's still very early days and its a huge shock for you. Hopefully your GP is still supporting you.

I say this kindly but regarding his milestone birthday, I suspect getting cards etc won't bother him as much as you think. He checked out of the relationship a long time ago by the sounds of it. He has mentally let go of all these emotional attachments and now has his mind on the future. I'm sure he will feel sorry for himself at some point but it's not got the same significant pull as it has for you.

The painful part is you're playing catchup on all this, whereas he's just not on the same time line as you.

Also, his dad and family being angry with him. You need to be prepared for when they start to soften. They may tell you they won't speak to him, but ultimately in all likelihood they will but probably won't tell you (or will claim they haven't to keep the peace). You need to mentally prepare for this.

Have you thought about online counselling, you have had so much to process in such a short space of time, it would help you navigate this difficult time. Also and I mean this really in a kind way, your children cannot be your only source of support. They need to process this situation in their own way. Their experience is not the same as yours and won't be going into the future. The betrayal they feel is a different one to yours and they need space to work out their own way forward.

We've recently had a very similar situation in our family and all of the above has been borne out. Its very early days for you and we are nearly 18 months down the line but it is the same playbook.

One day at a time, it will get better

Thank you all so much for your help today.

It’s snowed and rained constantly so nobody’s been outside.

@Topseeturveel I’ve felt very much like you’ve said about the timeline. He has had so much time to think about what he was going to do and then did it, whereas it was just thrown in my face and the faces of our DC and his family. Right now I know that his sister emails him, although she says he mainly only talks about football. I imagine in time his DF may soften towards him, especially given his age and the fact they now have heart attacks in common. DD2 might also come round, given time. DDs1, 3, and 4 and DS all have similar personalities. I doubt they will change their minds I really do.

This might make me sound like I don’t want them communicating with their father. That’s absolutely not the case and I’ve told them all individually that if they want to maintain a relationship with him that’s their prerogative and I will keep out of their business.

Having said all that there’s still been no word from him. It’s no wonder they feel abandoned when their own father can’t be bothered to talk to them.

I’m just so bloody sad though. I meant every word I said in that Church and I thought he did too.

It just feels like a huge monumental fucking mess not of my doing, but that I have to try to sort out alone.

If I could speak to him I would just ask him why?

I’m sorry - that was self-pity taking over

It's a dreadful situation and not your fault , but you know that.
Please listen if you can to those of us telling you to start turning your thinking away from him and round to you. What do you want and need, who are you going to talk to. You can't control what he does so focus on what you can do. I know it will make you feel better
Have a read back on a couple of posts , lots of good ideas.
Try to let him go , you can do this

Nothing to be sorry for MoreLegs. Of course you are grieving for the life that you had, and thought you would have in the future.

As to why, he'll never give you a straight answer because it would make him look bad. Sheer selfishness and snatching at his lost youth, I suspect. But nothing's going to turn the clock back for him and he's chased after a mirage. He'll find that out one day.

In the meantime, though it doesn't feel like it, you are doing so well to keep plodding on, especially at a time when it's dark, cold and wet and we're not really able to go anywhere because of Covid.

Is there anything you wanted to get or to do but never did, because he wouldn't have liked it? Like paint the kitchen shocking pink, or fostering kittens, dyeing your hair green or learning carpentry? If so, now's your opportunity.

You got through another day. Sleep tight.

Hi op, why don't you write down what you would like to say to him, then put it away in a drawer, each time you want to express something to him do that. Writing helped me get some of the anger out.

Because youv'e not had chance for any closure, with him abruptly leaving this time and this time knowing the reason, you are going to feel like you want to confront him, but nothing will get through to him at the moment. I fear it would upset you further.

I think he would use any conversations with you to blame you, so you don't want to give him the oppotunity to hurt you further.

I think the mindset of him having a wonderful time needs to be changed, he's not having a wonderful time, nobody does, life's boring and mudane, that doesn't change when you up sticks and move on, the daily crap will be becoming the norm for them, add on top his health and guilt, not to mention him looking a complete arse when lockdown eases and he has to face society again.

He hasn't got it good, but even if he starts to regret his decision he will probably have to put the I'm ok face on.

Give it more time, it's so early in your recovery, you will grow stronger.
x

@MoreLegsThanMe Are you on Instagram? There is a lady who calls herself #thefamilylawyer and she’s been interviewing people who help divorcees to pick up their lives again.

I know it’s really early days for you, but I wondered if a bit of self help would... help.

She’s interviewed a post divorcee who’s a comedienne and then several other self help gurus, one of which called herself a Divorce Coach.

Not sure I’d ever employ a divorce coach, but she had an interesting analogy about moving on... which was to stop ‘hanging around in their back yard’.

Now, I’m 7 months out, and still work in progress, but I rather like the idea that it does you no good to peer over the fence.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I’m just so bloody sad though. I meant every word I said in that Church and I thought he did too.

It just feels like a huge monumental fucking mess not of my doing, but that I have to try to sort out alone.

If I could speak to him I would just ask him why?

This really resonated with me - I could have said that, 10yrs ago. 25yrs married.

My exh married the OW, I wouldn't want their lives. I am very happy now, happier than I was with him those last years, and I didn't think I was unhappy. Looking back it was the best thing that could have happened for me. All those compromises I'd made.... now I get to choose what happens in my life. It's brilliant.

It takes a while, but the more you can detach and move on the better. Get a good lawyer and get your fair share of the assets, live your best life. Have fun, enjoy your family, don't let them inhabit space in your head. You will be happy again.

I agree with your statement of you meaning every word you said in that church, I feel exactly the same. Marriages need both parties and he just wasnt willing to put in the effort. Its so hard and I find my mind wanders constantly to him and ow. I hope in time I can have a day where they aren't on my mind. Its exhausting and no good for my mh at all. My kids are disgusted but continue to see him and I don't want them to feel more abandoned than they already do so have been keeping lines of communication open for them but that means I get no mental break at all. Am going to speak to my GP next week, I desperately need to quiet my mind and get some decent sleep and feel so angry all the time. Have a counselling session tmro so crossing fingers that will help. Also I write to him in the notes section of my phone, he will never see them but it helps to get my thoughts out, some of them are heartbreakingly sad and lots of why questions and some are so full of vileness that I would never let anyone see or read them. These men have no idea of the destruction they cause and if they do they don't care. I remind myself daily that I don't want to live with someone who has so little respect for me. You and I, we deserve so much better. Keep pushing through and all the virtual strength and hand holds I can muster are sent your way and anyone else going through this too that needs it too.

These are all normal reactions

Each day you sound stronger and clearer from your posts on here xxxx

If it makes you feel better, my therapist told me that she finds it’s actually worse for people when their partner betrays them like this than if they are widowed. Partly because there is the same loss but not the supports that kick in. Perfectly normal to feel shattered. But you will feel better, honest.

Thank you all. I will check out Insta @ByeByeMissAmericanPie.

Four weeks today it’s been. Four weeks. I can barely believe it. It seems like a hundred years. This is going to sound stupid but I’m beginning to forget what he looks like and sounds like. Is that normal?

Still basically just plodding through the days. Taking the medication as I’ve been told and trying to start looking forward, not about them.

Nighttime is still the worst. I suppose it will be for a very long time won’t it ?

Hi op, I think it's natures way of helping us to forget and part of the process of moving on.
Same as a death really.
You're holding on trying to remember by ruminating over and over in your mind. Naturally these thoughts will lessen as your memory of him decreses.
It's natural, and part of the healing process. You are doing well.

Do you feel the tablets helping at all?
Have you slept any better this week?
x

Your anger and pain is so strong and you want him/them to know and feel the depths of it. Maybe that's why you keep focusing on him/them instead of on yourself and making yourself feel better. Sadly, the person most affected by all you are feeling and the position you're in, is you, not them. And only you can take hold of your life and trying to repair it and recover, starting with a concerted effort to stop wasting your precious thoughts and energy on them and what they do or might be doing.

You need all your emotional energy for managing your recovery. Put yourself first. Spending all this time thinking about them is not helping you to feel better. Wash your hands of them. He is no prize.

@MoreLegsThanMe you have got through the worst 4 weeks of your life. It won't seem like it now but it will get better. At some point, maybe this week, maybe next month, you will hear something innocuous like a bird singing and it will make you smile. And it will happen more often as you move through the grieving process - because thats what it is. But in a way its worse than him dying because you are living with the 'what ifs'- what if you had been a 'better' wife? what if you had been 'different'? what if you had updated your makeup/hair colour/lost weight etc etc. All criticisms of you when actually its him who is the one who should be receiving the criticism!

He's the one who ended the marriage by shagging someone else. He's the one who was too weak to let you know that there were problems from his perspective. he's the one who was too weak to work it out between you. At some point, you WILL be able to acknowledge this. And it won't matter a jot what he or anyone else thinks of you because you WILL be stronger because of what he's putting you through.

Thank you.

Not much has happened today. I dug a path through the snow to put the wheely bin out and that was the extent of my exercise.

I’ve found myself just wanting to talk to him. Not about all this but just talking like we used to. We never argued or anything like that.

I seem to be dividing my life in two. Before and after 10th January. And yet he’d been with her the preceding six months too. I can’t for the life of me understand how I was so stupid, how I never suspected a thing.

Stupid and gullible. I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again will I.

It is so hard when the one person you want to talk to is the one person you can't.

But you're not stupid and you're not gullible. You are meant to be able to trust your spouse. He is the one who has lied and cheated and wrecked his family.

It isn't you. It's him.

Stupid and gullible. I won’t ever be able to trust anyone ever again will I

Not for a while and you may need some counseling which will help you anyway. But you will move on from this, meet new friends

MoreLegsThanMe digging a path through the snow and putting the bins out is more exercise than some people get!

And it will take time, possibly a long time, but you will trust someone again. It will be the right person for you at the right time. it may happen next year, it may not happen for ten years! It will happen when the time is right and when you have healed.

But you are NOT stupid!! and you are NOT gullible! Blinded by love and the security of a long marriage - possibly !

One step at a time, baby steps and you WILL get through this.

xx

Don’t feel stupid and gullible. I get it. I did too at first. How could I not have seen it? Why did I believe the texted excuses for coming home late? Why did I trust him with the finances? When I asked him if he was ok, why was he a bit distant, why did I accept his answer? Why didn’t I push further? Hindsight is also a liar. It can make you think you should have spotted something which at the time was so skillfully hidden by someone who had the advantage of knowing you inside and out and using that knowledge callously to further their own ends.
The big one: why did I never, ever suspect that any of this meant he was having an affair?
Why? Because I loved and trusted him. Completely. After 37 years I thought I knew him. He made no complaints about me and seemed happy enough with our life together. He still planned things for us to do together, we laughed together, we slept in the same bed and had sex.
I wasn’t gullible and stupid OP and neither are you. We were betrayed by men we trusted completely, who in nearly four decades had never given us a reason to even entertain the thought that they would ever even consider this.
As for trust, I’m certain I will never trust anyone as blindly again, ever. If he could betray me, anyone could. There’s no amount of counselling that can bring that back for me personally. Time has passed and I can trust to an extent now though. With strict personal boundaries in place and a flat refusal to be a victim, I am prepared to trust, as in any relationship trust has to happen for a relationship to function. Nobody can control another person’s thoughts or behaviour anyway, and it isn’t healthy to try. Be guided by actions, not words.
Put yourself first now. Don’t think any further into your future than you have to at present. I never looked beyond the next hour in the early days. It was all I could do to function at all. Please take great care of yourself. X

I am feeling the same today. How blind I was not to be suspicious but as my daughter said the changes have been so few and so subtle we would never have picked up on them as he has had a 1 yr advantage. He is clearly a more skilled liar than I ever believed and I don't recognise him as the man I fell in love with and created a happy family with. Big hugs, I had an amazing session with a counsellor yesterday and while it was emotional and gave me so much to think it was reassuring to know I am not completely mad to be thinking the way I am. Big hugs sent your way.