Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Thank you.

@FortunesFave he had said she was needy and clingy. So if he feels insecure and needy too then they’ll make a lovely couple.

I never really had any dreams as such - just the boring old shit of wanting to be happy/my DC to be healthy and happy, that sort of stuff. I’ve never wanted to fly to the moon or anything. I’m very boring.

I'm boring too, I suspect the best people are.
What makes you happy, apart from your lovely DC? It can be very simple things

I've name changed but been here a while

It hurts for ages. Then it doesn't. Small things happen - you get a rush - maybe anger leading back to sad... maybe sad but then angry.

It's a bit of a quagmire to get through because you have to do the divorce stuff which you think is all emotional but it isn't. It needs to be practical.

I went through it at the same time as a friend. She did huge swinging emotions - maybe a bit like you in that you feel completely overwhelmed - she couldn't deal with the practical.

Meanwhile I couldn't deal with the emotional - I simply didn't dare walk down there so I went hammer and tong at the practical. Fucking hard as nails to him and practical...lawyer divorce the works.

Then spent two years in Counselling dealing with my emotions.

I suppose it's a middle ground. Both need space.

I shouldn’t be like this at night I know I shouldn’t I just can’t seem to pull myself together.

I don’t know if it’s the shock of his heart attack or what but I feel so frightened and alone. Like I’m going mad.

You're not going mad but you've endured a rollercoaster of emotions in the past 24 hours and I doubt you've had much sleep. And that comes on top of weeks of turmoil.

Try to get some rest if you can, MoreLegs. Everything seems less daunting when you're not exhausted.

You're not alone. You have your DCs - and don't they have their father's measure, the clever things - and you have a nest of vipers with wise advice behind you.

Do you like gardening? I'd recommend it as a pick-me-up to anyone whose life has gone pear-shaped.

Tomorrow's another day. Maybe a better one.

You're not going mad...you should focus on your immediate comfort.

Basic stuff. So if you feel sad, put a comedy on Netflix. Wrap yourself up warm. Have a hot drink or a bath or whatever helps in that moment...moment to moment OP....and caring for yourself. You will come out of this hole. It's temporary.

OP, you've got this! You're already starting to heal, it doesn't feel like it, but you are!

The thing is, he is a something familiar,
Have you ever turned a light on when you know there's a power cut, or turned a tap on when the waterworks are being fixed? You are so used to him being there understandably, that it feels like a part of you is missing.
It will take time, & I think just looking st your children's reaction shows they all have your back, you are their rock, they love & support you.
Limp Dick is on his own. He has hurt & damaged all if you irretrievably.
Find your anger, you have taken him back twice & he may gave messed around at other times we dont know of. You are a strong, clever loved woman.
Chin up. Take him to the cleaners

Be kind to yourself. Do you have anything that helps you relax that you could dost night? Mindfulness/reading anything that can distract you?

You are getting stronger each day, thus has set you back of course. If he hadn't buggered off you would be by his side, worrying and helping everyone and yet he broke that bond so you don't know what your role is in this. It is to support your kids, they say they have written him off but they might be saying what they think you want to hear,just keep checking with them.

What you really need to explore now is what do you like? What makes you happy?
Maybe it is something that you haven't done since you were a kid or just didn't fit in with family life.
Sounds daft but I love curry, cooking it and going out for it but my husband has a stomach condition and can't eat it any more. In other times I could do this with friends but actually what has happened over the years is I have stopped. It's just not in my routine. There may be somethings like that for you.
Project you needs to begin x

Hey OP.
I’ve read your first thread and this one again and although you don’t feel it, I get the feeling that you’re a strong woman and amazing mother. YOU will be the one they love so much forever, your grandkids will love and remember you.
I guarantee it won’t work with him and her. He may have a new dick but he now has a dodgy heart. That’s just one more thing that shows how old he is compared to her. He’s got a shit dick and a shit heart. What an asbestos fucker!
You are grieving and grief doesn’t just turn off but it will get easier I promise, and it will turn to anger.
You talk about them loved up. He can’t even have sex with her unless he pumps himself up. He doesn’t like her kids and the drama they bring and let’s face it she sounds MENTAL.
He may come crawling back one day and I hope you tell him to take his shit appendages elsewhere. Illicit encounters because he was bored? God it makes me angry

*absolute fucker not asbestos fucker !!

@Noshowlomo

*absolute fucker not asbestos fucker !!

Ouch!!

Op do you have a TV in your room? Could you watch something to distract you or maybe read a book ?

Agree with every word Noshowlimo said. I love asbestos fucker. Lol I'm going to start saying it.

Give it time OP. I know you will thrive. He will just end up a lonely old man.

do you have anyone to talk to in RL op?

I have a free app called Insight Timer, which has 100s of meditation sessions on there - some for sleep, some for grief, some for mornings - the works. Can you download it and give your brain something else to concentrate on? I find it helpful in the evenings.

We really don't give our children enough credit in times like this - I'm so glad yours have seen their father for what he is.
(I did smile at the "Karma Innit")

You could also try the, “Calm” app.

It won app of the year 2017 and 2018.

It’s full of interesting stories and tales read by soothing celeb voices.

I am usually asleep in minutes listening to it. The stories captivate you and stop the mind from racing.

There’s also a meditation section in the app.

Thank you all so much. Such brilliant advice. I will try the apps @WizardOfAus and@ByeByeMissAmericanPie suggested.

No, apart from my DC I don’t have anyone in RL to talk to.

I’ve made it through today. I still can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel though. Still feels like I’m just standing still with everything happening to me, like I’m not in control of anything.

And thinking of them together, it’s like torture. It’s like I can actually see them. Knowing he absolutely doesn’t care at all about the DC or me. All he’s thinking about is himself and his OW. Like we don’t even exist. I want to understand why he doesn’t care, but I can’t.

I’m sorry. That was a lot of self-pity coming out there.

I can highly recommend the Headspace app - I use the sleep guides regularly and they have great “Nighttime SOS” sleep casts to listen to when you find you cant get back to sleep in the middle of the night.

It’s not self pity, it’s perfectly normal. It’s such a terrible shock.

Is there anyone you could tell in real life? I found massive relief when I told a friend, well, an acquaintance really.

You are incredibly strong

And a very kind person

Be gentle on yourself

Huge shock followed by another awful shock xxxxxxxx

In time, you’ll be able to unhook from him and the OW (however long it lasts) but for now, just get your brain to hook onto some very boring and soothing meditation. Even if you don’t get you to sleep, they’ll lull you into a state of deep relaxation.
Hang on in there.

@MoreLegsThanMe I can't find your other thread but from this one I gather DC has had a heart attack. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. When you lie in bed don't think of them together, imagine yourself being held and loved and comforted. He might have gone but you have your DC who I am sure are hurting for you seeing you so destroyed by him.

Have you tried keeping a diary or just writing your thoughts and feelings down? That can help when you've nobody IRL to talk to. I often used to write my ex letters, never sent them, but it helped to get the hurt, anguish and pain out.

Also know this, deep down he is hurting too. He's paying a huge price for a relationship which won't survive once lockdown is lifted. They're in a false cocoon bubble which will burst spectacularly when life returns to normal. Make no mistake about that.

He's ashamed, embarrassed hurt and knows he's done wrong. He might be hiding it but it will eat away at him.

You are doing so well, you're better than him, hold your head high, kill them with kindness and take the moral high ground. X