Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband in a huff

248 replies

cheesersqueezer · 22/10/2020 19:40

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

OP posts:
Dery · 22/10/2020 19:54

Acting like you don’t care is probably the best tool against this behaviour. Which is what you’re already doing.

He just needs to realise that if he carries on with this kind of bullshit, there may well come a time when you genuinely don’t care.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2020 20:00

The responsibility for his huffy behaviour is all his and such sulking (because it is really that) is an example of emotional abuse.

Ignore him and carry on with your day as normally as possible. This worked well for you last time he did that.

Look at his parents OP; his dad does the same and your H learnt that behaviour from growing up with them. He does that because he can and it works for him. He will not change, all you can do is change how you react to him. Do you want to remain married to him; this sort of behaviour destroys marriages.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You do not mention children here but if you are parents what are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?. Is this the role model they should be seeing?. Would you want them as adults to treat their spouse or partner the self same way as you are?. No you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2020 20:00

He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

Completely unacceptable and I wouldn't stand for it. His behaviour is abusive and ridiculously immature, and you doing them same doesn't help anything.

If this is a constant in your marriage, and he refuses to change his behaviour, I would be leaving him. This is no way to live.

WizardOfAus · 22/10/2020 20:03

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

Divorce.

Kodama361 · 22/10/2020 20:03

I would go absolutely mental if my DP was sulking upstairs and ignoring me and not explaining why. It’s bullying and really nasty to behave like that when the other person has no idea what they have done wrong. If it happened once I’d be furious. If it happened again I would end the relationship over it. Life is too short

TurquoiseDragon · 22/10/2020 20:09

This is childish behaviour, and I wouldn't want to be married to a child. The first time anyone tries this behaviour with me, they get told that a repeat performance guarantees the end of the relationship. And I stick to that.

Original poster
cheesersqueezer · 22/10/2020 20:11

Dery- good point. I was thinking if he does come round to letting me know my particular crime, why should I even listen.

Atilla- I do get a lot out of the relationship. It's supportive in many ways. but you are correct- this is his problem. He have a DS11. No-one else in my life has or would behave like this to me.

Aqua- yes it's unacceptable. Been happening for years.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2020 20:14

If he ends up apologising again, point out that he ignored you when you spoke to him. Does he think that's ok? In fact, you need to know whether he approves of his dad's behaviour or whether he thinks there are better ways of behaving?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/10/2020 20:15

X-post. Oh, if its been happening for years, forget it. He's unlikely to change if it's an ingrained behaviour.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 22/10/2020 20:15

Switch the WiFi off...
Then tell him he acts like an adult or moves out.
I was also married to a man child.
Was...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/10/2020 20:16

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?. Have you stayed with him only because and for your son?.

Do you want to spend the rest of you life like this with your H, I guess not.

Your son could also go onto behave exactly like his dad does going forward particularly if you were to remain with your H.

DonLewis · 22/10/2020 20:17

It's a brilliant tool isn't it? Sets you on eggshells, he gets to opt out of family life/afterwork chores/dinner prep /whatever and in his tiny mind gets to win a war.

Twat.

calllaaalllaaammma · 22/10/2020 20:18

What about go and stay somewhere else for the night, with a friend or parent or in a hotel; just go and get out of that nasty atmosphere that he seems to enjoy creating.
You don’t even know what you’re supposed to have done and he won’t communicate with you?
How often does this happen?

picosandsancerre · 22/10/2020 20:21

So he has done it for years? The first time would have been the last. Terribly abusive and not healthy for your DS to witness .

Time for a change and that needs to come from you. You simply now ignoring him isn't really sorting it out. Tough conversation is required and laying out that your no longer accepting his emotionally abusive behaviour

Elieza · 22/10/2020 20:26

Calla has a good point. I wonder what would happen if you waited til he was upstairs and took dc and just left and went to your mum’s or a hotel without saying anything?

Wonder how long it would take him to phone you and ask wtf was going on. At which point you could say you refuse to stay in a house with a huffy manchild and he needs to get over himself.

I know COVID isn’t the time but perhaps he is needing a shock to snap him out if his manipulative and bullying behaviour.

TheLastStarfighter · 22/10/2020 20:49

My DH does this occasionally too. I certainly wouldn’t leave him over it though Confused. I treat him in the same way that I would if it were a teenager doing similar - be the adult but be kind. Don’t let it affect you - you are not responsible for his behaviour. Carry on with what you want to do while he sulks. Once he’s ready to talk, tell him his behaviour isn’t acceptable, but don’t make a drama out if it.

Once mine has calmed down, 60% of the time I find it wasn’t even me he was upset with, he was just upset. He can’t help his upbringing, his was a generation that was brought up not to cry and this is what he learned from a very young age to be the right behaviour for a man. Fortunately I love him enough to help him deal with that, while not letting him treat me badly.

Iggypoppie · 22/10/2020 20:52

Does he have good points that make him worth working through this for?

sleepyhead1980 · 22/10/2020 20:55

My husband used to do this and I quickly figured out it was basically whenever we hadn't had sex. If we had sex he was in a great mood then he would go back to being moody a day or two later. Hope it's not the same thing.

Original poster
cheesersqueezer · 22/10/2020 21:03

He has gone to bed after saying he would watch a TV programme with our son. I am watching the programme with DS instead.

Don- it does have me on eggshells- I am trying not to be like this.

Starfighter- I hear what you're saying. Its helpful to know you have similar experience, but I don't feel like being kind to him. Its undermining me and making me feel bad

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 22/10/2020 21:54

When the behaviour is happening- ignore completely. Don't ask what's wrong.

When he's back in adult mode, you need to lay it down how deeply unattractive and unacceptable it is.

How do you think he would respond to that?

BurbageBrook · 22/10/2020 21:58

Absolutely no way I would put up with this nonsense. It's uncaring, selfish and immature at best, abusive at worst. I echo PPs saying they would leave someone for that behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2020 22:01

Acting like a toddler with the sulks is treating you badly though Star

Nothing attractive about it

I agree with the above, the answer is ltb

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2020 22:03

He said he’d watch a program with his son and then didn’t? Because he’s in a huff?

Honestly I’d kick that so far into touch he’d need google maps to find his way back.

Honestly can’t believe the shit some folks put up with on here. Ignore him op. And when he comes round tell him you don’t give a flying fuck what’s upset him but if he ever breaks a commitment to his son or ignores you again then it’s game over. And mean it.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2020 22:05

Fortunately I love him enough to help him deal with that, while not letting him treat me badly

He is treating you badly, repeatedly. Every time he does it. The fact you take it from him doesn’t mean he’s not treating you like shit.

Eckhart · 22/10/2020 22:11

It's abusive. Look up some stuff online about stonewalling. Show it to him. If he refuses to change it, ask him why. I would have been rethinking the relationship a long time ago, I think.

www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-stonewalling-a-form-of-abuse/