Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[2catsandhappy]

This is a zombie. I would like to know what happened though.

[cabansunset]

This behaviour is abusive.

[Mischance]

Just let him get on with it - carry on life as if he is not there. Make meals for everyone else, go out and do nice things. Treat him as if he has checked out.

If this does not work then you need to check out.

[Zanatdy]

It’s horrible. My ex used to do it, and it was part of the reason why we split, I mean I hated it but when he started doing the same to my teenage son from a previous relationship it was the end. This was 12yrs ago and I really thought he had changed (we are still friends and do things together for the kids) but he did the same to our own teenage son as he did something he didn’t like. I don’t know why he thinks ignoring someone is the right thing to do. Well I told him he needs anger management and therapy as his behaviour is out of order and what’s happened to just having a face to face adult chat if something is wrong. Whether he took it in or not I don’t know but I laid into him as I find the silent treatment abusive and I’m not having that treatment given to my kids. So watch out OP, this behaviour could transfer to the kids. Don’t let him do that

[emptythelitterbox]

@Mumrunlove

Wow, I know this thread is old however when I typed up "why is my husband constantly huffing" for a bit of advice this was the top hit.
I started reading with familiarity of what was being described and this quickly turned to tears as I realised how cruel and wrong the behaviour is.
One posted made mentioned of how her husband often huffed until they had sex then he'd be happy again for a while but it happened again soon thereafter.
This describes my situation to a t!!! He constantly tells me I don't give him enough attention and intimacy. We both work full time and have 2 kids so yeah it might not happen as often as he'd like but it's not like it's non existent.
When I ask him why he huffs and causes me to walk on egg shells he turns it on me and says it's my lack of affection making him this way. I've tried talking to him about how his moods effect the whole household but it falls on deaf ears and I'm told it's my fault

Have you told him nobody wants to have sex with a grumpy sulker?

How much does he do at home?

[Mumrunlove]

Wow, I know this thread is old however when I typed up "why is my husband constantly huffing" for a bit of advice this was the top hit.
I started reading with familiarity of what was being described and this quickly turned to tears as I realised how cruel and wrong the behaviour is.
One posted made mentioned of how her husband often huffed until they had sex then he'd be happy again for a while but it happened again soon thereafter.
This describes my situation to a t!!! He constantly tells me I don't give him enough attention and intimacy. We both work full time and have 2 kids so yeah it might not happen as often as he'd like but it's not like it's non existent.
When I ask him why he huffs and causes me to walk on egg shells he turns it on me and says it's my lack of affection making him this way. I've tried talking to him about how his moods effect the whole household but it falls on deaf ears and I'm told it's my fault

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

How did the talk with the huffing one go?

[category12]

Intention isn't magic. There's no difference in effect on the child or op if they're abused by a man who is abusive, or a man who is exhibiting abusive behaviours [because of x and y]. It's apologism and hairsplitting to argue otherwise, really.

What matters is the damage it does, and the fact he ignores or doesn't care or feels justified or is satisfied by the misery he's causing.

[Eckhart]

I agree, goody. I don't think you can rate abusers by intent, either. I doubt that most abusers get up in the morning, rubbing their hands together with glee, and plotting a day of satisfying abuse. They just have messed-up behaviour patterns that get triggered, and they hurt other people by not having control over those patterns. Many, many abusers are 'nice people' for a high percentage of the time, but abuse is abuse.

@nearlynermal would you be saying the same thing if OP's partner was a really lovely man, but just very occasionally punched OP?

[goody2shooz]

@nearlynermal - ‘otherwise a nice man’ - have you actually read the op? What definition of ‘nice man’ ignores his wife and child for days on end??? And then has a hissy fit and refuses to join them for a meal because he wasn’t consulted about the prep for it?? I’ll bet he doesn’t ignore work colleagues for days, yet he thinks it’s ok for his WIFE and CHILD?? That is not a nice man.

[nearlynermal]

I know the net effect is abusive, but I don't think he's a calculating villain, I think he's just got the emotional age and relationship skills of an 11 year-old and he's screwing up his marriage without having any insight into his behaviour. It doesn't make the behaviour any less destructive, but maybe sadder if he's otherwise a nice man.

[EKGEMS]

His majesty's would never get another meal cooked by me after that

[Daftapath]

I would imagine what you have written about his behaviour in this thread is the tip of the iceberg?

[Mix56]

Do you normally have to get his authorization when you cook dinner?
if so, this isn't normal you do know that ?
Also, he could be laying the table, asking if he can help, get bread, pour wine/water....
Oh please just get shot of this tosser

[BrowncoatWaffles]

I was setting the table for the meal tonight, asked if he was joining and he said no, because I hadn’t told him anything about it and had just gone ahead and started making the meal. Christ, I’m fed up.

Is he your husband or your manager? No wonder you’re fed up, this feels like an exhausting way to live.

[timeisnotaline]

What a pathetic twat.

[Giraffey1]

I would be checking that joint account and seeing what has been happening with any payments in or out. Has he been plundering the joint savings to spend on his ‘obsession’?

He does sound very childish and self centred. He isn’t coming down to eat because you didn’t tell him you were preparing a meal? WTF? i bet you have already been preparing the meals and he has managed to come and eat with you before. I’d be sorely tempted to tell him, calmly, that you won’t bother catering for him from now on as he can’t be bothered to behave like an adult. Also, don’t be doing any of his ironing or washing or anything like that if you currently do.

He sounds like my STBExH, wanting everything his own way and quite happy while he gets it, but anything you see differently he takes as a personal slight. For ‘not hearing me’ I’d substitute ‘not agreeing with me!’

[frazzledasarock]

The withholding money form the joint account and sulking because he wasn't consulted about dinner are abusive. Even if you can find excuses for the week long silent treatments (which are also abusive).

In our household the person not cooking will merrily ask what's for dinner and proceed to give a hand with whatever the person cooking wants. Never have I ever encountered a household where the non-cook needs to be consulted first.
In fact I've asked my lot to list what they'd like for dinner and I pick whatever I want to cook form the list. Half the issue with cooking is having to think up new dishes each day.

He is frantically trying to play the victim here and make you beg for his forgiveness.

Divorce is'nt an easy option, especially if you love your H, and have joint assets/finances/children.
But in your shoes OP, I would firstly sort out counselling for yourself.

Then slowly start living as if you would without him, start looing into untangling joint finances, put money away for yourself in accounts in only your name.

Get legal advice.

Do not commit to spending large amounts of joint savings on shit he wants, use covid/brexit as an excuse, you need a cushion just in case etc.

He's not going to be reasonable and once he realises you want out (if you choose this option) prepare for him to make things as hard as possible.

[mamaoffourdc]

He sounds exhausting - too much drama for me

[mummmy2017]

He is having an Adult tantrum.
You used to run around trying to find out what was wrong, he was used to this and knew which buttons to press.
Now your a mum you don't want to be his mum as well and boy is he throwing toys out of his pram.
The I don't want to eat as you didn't consult me, is so funny as he had to smell and listen to you eatting, and you didn't jump to it and offer to cook, you just said fine , don't eat then. He had no way to back down and eat....

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

I know I'm going against the grain here but if a man is manipulative and abusive with a PD of course counselling is a big no no - I totally agree.

But this guy is just a grade a twat. A counsellor would have to be pretty thick (and many are) to not pick up on him whining about he wanted to buy this thing but mummy wouldn't let him and now he won't eat his dinner and god damn it it's his money and he's spending it on toys not food for his children. I mean really what a fuckwit.

But even if you get one of those nodding dog types just saying it out loud to another adult is enough in itself. It only takes a few words from the OP about his dad. And how he has done it for years and his goose is cooked. He needs to feel heard. Let him be heard.

He may be using the tactics some abusers use (the sulks) but that doesn't mean he IS an abuser. I think he's just an arsehole personally.

[Nailgirl]

@DC3Dakota

Yeah as soon as the counsellor picks up on the emotional abuse (which make no mistake - he/she WILL DO and very quickly, too) then if they're even half decent, then they will bring the sessions to an early close or will suggest lone sessions. As a PP says, couple's counselling together is not advisable where there's abuse of any kind. This is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

^^This. We went to counselling and he presented as a poor man trying to do his best with a mad wife suffering from PND. That he loved his parents and was in the middle of the two of us at 'war' when he just wanted us to get along. He presented well. It took 3 sessions for the counsellor to see that he was abusive to the extreme. He emailed the counsellor to tell them I thought he was a sexist pig and useless. He emailed me that the counsellor thought like him that I was nuts. He asked me to go to a session alone without telling him - the counsellor. I did -he was away one weekend emails swapped between counsellor and me -he said he had met many abusive awful husbands but he honestly thought it was 50/50 and we were both lying until the emails. From then on -it was counselling all the way on my own. You need to understand the first session will just be the counsellor trying to get the lay of the land type thing -so it might be difficult as you will be asked to explain what you do etc and he will put HIS side as well. He might twist it -you didn't cook the previous day and went on about communicating and then sprung dinner on him etc -not that I'm saying it's right etc. Be calm. This is emotional abuse, this is manipulation, this is financial abuse etc -it is CLEAR but for others looking in -it might take a while. I do not believe people like this change -I really don't. My ex is still the same years later. It has made me ill for years, but at least I don't live with it.

[category12]

There are plenty of poor counsellors who won't recognise emotional abuse, or who are determined to treat both positions as valid, or who are manipulated themselves by the abuser. I really don't understand people's faith that the counsellor will see through the guy and magically show him what an asshole he's being. They're human and they're not all well trained.

It's not recommended to do joint counselling in an abusive relationship for excellent reasons.

[DC3Dakota]

Yeah as soon as the counsellor picks up on the emotional abuse (which make no mistake - he/she WILL DO and very quickly, too) then if they're even half decent, then they will bring the sessions to an early close or will suggest lone sessions. As a PP says, couple's counselling together is not advisable where there's abuse of any kind. This is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

[sheworkshardforthemoney]

Hope it works out for you xx