Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[lazylinguist]

You need to lay it on the line. Tell him that you don't care if it's how his parents dealt with communication, it's childish, pathetic, abusive and you will not tolerate it any more and do not wish to be married to a person who behaves that way. Askhim if he acts that way towards his work colleagues. Laugh at him when he does it. Failing that, LTB.

[Grobagsforever]

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Or be out with the kids when the silly huffy man returns home and don't tell him.

[Fleurchamp]

My DH used to do this. His father did too.

He stopped years ago, before we got married as I explained that I was not prepared to put up with it like his mother had. He sometimes veers into it but I nip it in the bud.

I just say, I can see you are annoyed/upset about something. If it is something I have said/ done, you need to tell me or we can't resolve it. If you are just in a bad mood, that's fine (we all get them, right?) but you have to consider the rest of us. That usually sets him straight as he doesn't always realise he is doing it, if that makes sense - I think it is so ingrained.

However, I do think some people use it as a method of control - I used to hate the feeling of walking on eggshells trying to guess what I had done "wrong" and would try to get him to snap out of it by being extra nice. One day it dawned on me that it is exactly the response he is trying to garner and I am perpetuating it.

Call it out for what it is.

[relievedlady]

Dh used to do this on occasion. Learnt behaviour from his dad.

I used to try and communicate and would be ignored or any text I sent was ignored even if it was regarding dc

The last time it happened was years ago but I think I remember telling him he was behaving like a fucking child and I didn't need an extra one. Told him it made him very undesirable and to piss off until he could behave like a normal human being and not be so dis respectful.

I then ignored him literally for days as I was so angry with him. Got on with things,took the kids out etc etc enjoyed my day off while he moped around at home.

I got home from work one evening and he apologised straight away for being an ass and that he didn't realise how shit it was for the other person on the end of it even though it could have been sorted in a conversation.

I told him I was still really angry with him and that it would be the very last time he pulled that stunt with me or he would be looking at divorce papers.

To me it's the rudest and most belittling way to treat someone you should love and respect.

I also reminded him how awful it was when his dad used to do it to his mum when they were kids and that he was repeating the same behaviour and should be embarrassed.

Never happened again op

[Bluntness100]

Agree you need to stop pandering to this shit. Stop trying to coax it out of him.

It’s abuse because it’s designed to make you feel shit, worried, anxious. He knows what he’s doing. It’s also a form of attention seeking. It is also calculated.

Honestly just tell him straight. And coldly. Ignore it when he’s doing it now, don’t show him it bothers you, just act happy and ignore it. When he decides he’s punished you enough then tell him That this isn’t happening again, ever. Or it is over. Take no further conversation on it.

Then the next time he does it, tell him I told you last time. So either you go or I do. Then go start packing his bags if he won’t. You need the short sharp shock.

He’s also now doing it to your son. You can’t all be living where you walk on eggshells like this. It’s time to put a stop to it once and for all.

[cheesersqueezer]

I am getting so angry thinking about it now. I was perfectly happy yesterday, then he came in from work and changed the atmosphere completely, make me feel uncertain etc. I realise now that the reason I would go and on and on to find out what was wrong was because it might bring the terrible atmosphere to a close a bit sooner. I don't think it bothers him so much because he was used to it, growing up. I am NEVER going to do that again. He's a belittling arse and I'm going to tell him when I can bear to speak to him again.

[category12]

It is actually emotionally abusive.

If he's a decent human being really, speak to him seriously about getting help, getting counselling, unlearning this destructive behaviour. Give him a "come to Jesus" moment about the harm he's doing you, your relationship and your dc.

[FlapsInTheWind]

This sort of thing grinds your love to dust OP. You have become used to it like a boiled frog. How can you stand this behaviour from a grown man? I agree with a PP, he gets counselling to get him out of this absurd and destructive behaviour or it's divorce. Make this episode the episode that changes your life.
Personally I wouldn't stay a minute longer. I would assume that he didn't give a rats arse about me and act accordingly. Lives too short for abuse of this type.

[Eckhart]

@FlapsInTheWind

This sort of thing grinds your love to dust

Brilliantly phrased. The perfect analogy.

[Eckhart]

@cheesersqueezer

It's good to get angry, it'll give you the power to make the change you need. In stonewalling you, he gets to express his emotions, but all you can do is repress yours. It seems like it's time for you to make yourself heard.

[relievedlady]

I still remember my inner rage the last time it happened and something inside me snapped.

I knew if it happened again I would leave and mean it and so did he when I told him.

Nobody needs to put up with that shit op.

It's dh issue like it was his dads issue to sort.
My mil never and still doesn't stand up to him. Shes like a wet fart and it baffles me how anyone would put up with it for their entire married life and accept it.

[cheesersqueezer]

I have now read the recommended stonewalling article and its helpful- thank you.

I'm bracing myself for his return from work. Plan depends on his response if he;

Continues to ignore me, I will do the same. I have ideas of things to do over the weekend.

Acts normal and pretends everything is fine, I will tell him I can't act normally until we discuss what happened.

Apologises, I'll tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop. I'll tell him how affects me and the family.

In for a shit weekend, I know its a bigger problems than a ruined weekend but that's my immediate dread at the moment

[FlapsInTheWind]

Please re read your recent post OP. Do you really want this to be your life? You might love him but you need to love yourself a lot more. He is not your friend.

Why go after an apology or an explanation when it won't make a shits worth of difference in the long term. Nothing will stop him doing this over and over and over. You are subjugating yourself to him. Find your anger. don;t be afraid of it. Use it as tool for change.

Go ballistic at him this time instead of submitting and making nice. I have been where you are and I learned that I had to see my own worth in the end. We are hard wired to make nice but we do not benefit in amy way from this.

[Onxob]

I thought fuzzymoon's strategy was brilliant! Snorting at stropalops

[Mischance]

My toddlers used to do exactly that, including the prize answer "nothing's wrong" - they grew out of it and learned that communication is the key to resolving problems. He seems to have missed out a rather large and important phase of growing up. Poor you.

[billy1966]

You poor woman.

What a horrible life at the hands of a selfish arse.

You most definitely are in an emotionally abusive relationship which must be so stressful.

It must be very hard to be in a relationship and have any respect for such a petulant arse.

My love would be long gone.

Protect yourself and your future from him.

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

Good luck, OP. He sounds like a stroppy toddler, and life is too short to put up with such shit. Deeply unattractive behaviour.

[TinaTurnoff]

Same. (Ex)H used to work out perceived slights on me. In my 20s, when we were boyfriend/girlfriend he pretty much spoiled my sister’s wedding by acting the prick after not being included in a formal family photo. I remember tearfully begging him to just tell me what I’d done wrong (answer: nothing.) As other posters, modelled on his father’s behaviour who would epically sulk if things went wrong (batteries dead in the remote, toothpaste ran out) because the whole world was someone else’s fault. Bizarrely, if ever I lost my temper over something and expressed my rage, I was accused of ‘kicking the cat’, ie lashing out at loved ones. This dynamic then grew where I could never express my anger at anything, and he would carefully protect his rage in a pressure cooker environment for the rest of us to endure. Regrettably, since we split, the sulkiness endures and the children, when they stay with him, have to win him around or navigate the waters until he benignly decides that he will allow his good mood to return. Now that he has a new (well, OW, but elevated now it’s out in the open) partner, I secretly hope that she bears the brunt of this, so the children don’t have to. Not to wish it on her, but I can only do so much for the kids from afar.

[Burmesecatlover]

Yes, walking on eggshells and second guessing is no fun. Sulking, a bad atmosphere and not knowing whether you are coming or going is all part in parcel with this treatment. I put up with it for years and would literally dance around trying to anticipate his every want/need to keep things moving along smoothly. I have now been apart from exh for nearly three years, it still astounds me how lovely it is to live in a stressfree environment and never have to deal with that unnecessary shit. I can see how many special events/days where I completely focused on his needs to try and prevent an atmosphere. Now totally liberated and relaxed and don't live with that tension. It is all about control and making sure people stay in their place and making sure they know not to cross them. Absolutely unnecessary in a healthy relationship. I hope you are able to find a way through/past this.

[cheesersqueezer]

He came home later than usual yesterday (unheard of) and no words have been exchanged since, except when I said hello to him and he said hello back. My God, typing this is embarrassing, its so infantile. Our son is aware of his dad's mood and its upsetting him. I always break these silences and its only gone on this long this time because I haven't. I doubt he'll 'break' first because of some screwed up version of pride on his part. I have some plans (to fill time and avoid him) but very limited at the moment, as can't visit other households.

[Eckhart]

I sometimes coax it out of him (just realised for the first time that I think I do this because I feel guilty about what I've maybe done wrong

Just in case you're ever tempted to feel guilty again, bear in mind that even if you had done something wrong, blanking you is a very unhealthy way to deal with the issue.

Imagine how mean you'd feel if someone hurt your feelings, and you just ignored them, even when they were desperate to talk to you. Personally I can't even imagine doing it. Even if someone's done something dreadful (it's very very rare), I'll still say 'I don't want to talk right now, I'm too upset because of...', so that at least they know what's going on.

[Eckhart]

Why is it embarrassing for you? There's absolutely nothing you can do if he's ignoring you. It's not your failing.

Can you buy a book or a heap of magazines to bury yourself in over the weekend?

[HumptyD]

This is unhealthy for your son to be around an atmosphere
This way. It clearly Affected your husband when his parents did it too. I definitely don’t feel sorry for him though, you have expressed you don’t like it. I wouldn’t ignore him I would burst into wherever he is and say ‘tell me your fucking problem now or get
Over it because this is bullying behaviour to make somebody feel like they have done something wrong but to not say what, so tell me now or ‘put up or shut up’ because it’s not fair DS And I live in an atmosphere because Dad wants to act like a teenage girl in a strop’ .
Might shock him into thinking wow she’s not playing my game anymore.

Also, how unattractive?! Terrible turn off isn’t it.

Definitely don’t beg and plead what have I done (although it’s totally understandable why you have in the past because it’s confusing out the blue if someone acts this way) but demand to know or that he gets over it. When he is out of his little
Strop sit him down and tell him this will not be happening again, if he has a genuine issue then he needs to communicate like a grown adult, and that you will not be tolerating it anymore and that quite frankly your getting to the point you don’t care.

I hope your okay and I’m glad the anger has stated to kick in, how dare he make you and your DS feel this way, does he not realise the more moods he throws the less effect it has to,
Like it will be like ‘oh dads just in another one of his strops’ rather than anyone actually caring what’s wrong with him. Silly man. Have a go at him, then go enjoy your weekend with your son

All the best xxx

[Lordamighty]

The only way to break the cycle of his poor behaviour is to keep ignoring & not try to cajole him out of his huffy strop.
It’s not your job to placate his moodiness.

[category12]

Message him the stonewalling article and tell him the damage he's doing to your relationship and his son. Tell him his behaviour needs to stop.