Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[category12]

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

[DonLewis]

Hmmm, so he's punishing your son for something you've done, that you don't know what that something is?

He's a twat. I literally don't know how you put up with that. It's one thing being a twat to you, another being a twat to his son.

I'd lay it on the line. It stops, now, forever, and he learns to communicate like an adult, or he can go back and live with his mum and dad and revert to the child he's behaving like.

[Weenurse]

Mine used to do this.
I told him if he was going to act like a toddler, I would treat him like one.
I ignored the bad behaviour and got on with my day. Because I did not let his behaviour affect me, he had no power over me, and he learned to discuss things like an adult.
His behaviour was learned as his father used to do this to his mother.
Good luck

[category12]

His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Is he happy to pass this behaviour on and give this sort of upbringing to his child? Because that's what he's doing unless he breaks his own pattern of behaviour.

And it's also the "normal" of relationships that you are modelling for your child, OP. Are these the lessons you want to teach?

[CarpeVitam]

When my DH used to do this I used to find it extremely hurtful and confusing. (This kind of behaviour obviously 'worked' for him in his first marriage 🙄).

Eventually I recognised it for what it was: immature passive-aggressive shite! And EVERY time he did it I called him a manchild and told him it was about time he snapped out of his sulk!

I embarrassed him out of his behaviour and he now rarely does this. I made it clear it was unacceptable and actually emotionally abusive!

[fuzzymoon]

I'd give it a nick name to make it look even more ridiculous a behaviour.

Call it his stropalops or his huffysnuffy.
Say things like uh oh dad's got his stropalops again tonight. Just makes it sound more stupid and childish.

I'd also then pay no attention to it. If he tries to talk to you as him if he's finished his stropalops. This may cause him to have more stropalops and you can then say uh oh dads got stropalops over stropalops.
This may be passive aggressive but my god it's not as bullish as his behaviour and is treating him to his own medicine.

[LaurieFairyCake]

You 100% need to order an amazing takeaway for 1 EVERY single time he does this

And open the naice wine

And put on a very loud tv programme that you really love

(He's a twat)

[myshoelaces]

Divorce him. Your ds would will grow up and do it to his own family if he stays in this dynamic.

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

My ex partner used to sulk. He seemed like if he had a bad day everyone else should suffer to.

I have noticed my daughter doing the same. I demand that she responds when spoken to and won't tolerate any rudeness. It's a work in progress.

[Craftycorvid]

My DM used to do this, and I found myself in a relationship with a man who did it too. Eventually I learned to say ‘clearly you’re upset. We can talk about it and sort it out if you like, or you can carry on as you are.’ Then sod off and get on with my day. I learned it a bit too late for my own good, also I had to do it many times as ingrained habits die hard.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@fuzzymoon that's really not a great strategy

[Londonmummy66]

A friend once advised me that the best way to deal with this behaviour was to ask once what the problem was and then ignore. If it was fairly short lived then just mention in passing how annoying the sulking was and try to address the underlying problem. If it was prolonged then treat it in the same way as you would should the behaviour be displayed by a 5 ear old ie pay no attention and if you do need to speak to them then ask the question once in a grown up manner and if no response then ask as if to a five year old.

Usually works.

[HereWeAre20]

Abuse. Emotional abuse. My ex done this for years.... he ended up being a narcissist. Either put ur foot down on this behaviour now before ur son picks it up or leave

[KatherineJaneway]

Sounds like this is learnt and ingrained behaviour if his parents were like this.

My advice would be to talk to him once the huff has ended. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and a very poor example for your ds. However your dh will need to acknowledge and work hard on correcting his behaviour, that will be difficult as it is second nature to him by the sounds of it.

[Sithee]

OP this is emotional abuse. Look on here for the earlier threads from a poster with titles about “divorcing sulking husband” it may be an eye opener for you. There is lots of good advise there. Good luck. You deserve better.

[garlictwist]

Christ, how can you bear it? It sounds awful and childish.

[EarthSight]

Punishing someone without telling them what their crime is, and without giving them a chance to fix, it, defend themselves, or discuss it is childish, cruel and he probably knows that.

We all behave in worse ways around our intimate partners because we are allowed to let our guard down, but it's useful to remind oneself that he certainly wouldn't pull that fucking bullshit with his boss, or even his work colleagues (hopefully). He does it because he knows he can and it's a sign of disrespect, end of.

[EarthSight]

@fuzzymoon

I'd give it a nick name to make it look even more ridiculous a behaviour.

Call it his stropalops or his huffysnuffy.
Say things like uh oh dad's got his stropalops again tonight. Just makes it sound more stupid and childish.

I'd also then pay no attention to it. If he tries to talk to you as him if he's finished his stropalops. This may cause him to have more stropalops and you can then say uh oh dads got stropalops over stropalops.
This may be passive aggressive but my god it's not as bullish as his behaviour and is treating him to his own medicine.

Huffysnuffy!

That made me laugh. Thanks.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Agree that life is too short for this shit.
Tell him to pack it in and grow up or to buggar off permanently.
For the pp who suggested to be kind, err why?
And those who are asking pp why she is modelling this behaviour, she's not, it's her dickhead husband.
All the best OP.

[cheesersqueezer]

Thank you for your replies. He has gone to work, so I will put it out of mind until he returns home tonight.

I think it is part of a wider issue about his poor communication at times. He expects me to anticipate or know his needs and wants at times and gets annoyed when I don't (again, his parents were like this). Example- discuss going to the cinema, we both say what we'd like to see and settle on a film. After film, he says he didn't like it 'but then you knew I didn't want to see it'. No I fucking didn't- why did you not just say you didn't want to see the film??!!

I have brought this up countless times over the years and it is slightly better than it used to be. However, I have decided to stop demeaning myself by asking over and for him to tell me what's wrong when he huffs. I sometimes coax it out of him (just realised for the first time that I think I do this because I feel guilty about what I've maybe done wrong). If he does deign to tell me after this strop, I don't think I can listen.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This is what he wants here over you.

Re your comment:-
"He expects me to anticipate or know his needs and wants at times and gets annoyed when I don't (again, his parents were like this)".

So he further punishes you by sulking. He has no problems with communicating his displeasure at your supposed transgressions at all. My guess is as well he does not like this readily if at all to people in the outside world or work colleagues; this is mainly reserved for you and in turn your son. What is he learning about relationships from the two of you here?.

Your H is a carbon copy of his parents; that is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up and he is not going to change. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I was married to a huffeer once. Best tactic was to completly ignore the huffing. Its bloody childish and attention seeking behaviour designed to get you to apologise and control your behaviour.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Sorry for the crap spelling, I was annoyed

[FlapsInTheWind]

He is abusive. You are being abused. It's abuse.