Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[TheTeaCosyofDoom]

@billy1966

So he punishes you when he doesn't get his way.

He's not going to change.

Make your plans.

Protect your child.

This. With knobs on.

[Eckhart]

In the past, a long time ago, I have done this, said ‘not now’ to a subject he wanted to discuss. It involved spending a large sum of money, which I didn’t want to do and which scared me. I don’t do this any longer

Just in case it wasn't clear, there's nothing at all wrong with 'not now'. It's just repeated 'not now's that make it feel like the subject will never be discussed and it's just an excuse to avoid the conversation.

He's sulking and cutting payments because he felt he wasn't allowed to buy himself a new toy out of the family pot? Holy moly, what a fuss.

[goody2shooz]

A ‘very expensive’ new toy that he admits is an ‘obsession’. That he wants to buy and is prepared to make your home life so very unpleasant to achieve this. By sulking and not speaking to you or your child, and by halving the amount of housekeeping - then whining he is ‘not being heard’........Grim. Sounds like a spoilt child. Give in on this and your life will carry on in the same way.

[dudsville]

I'm sad for you, reading this it reminds so much of my ex. In the end he couldn't change his behaviour so I ended it. Moving day was exciting, I helped get him out and set up, got home late that evening and it felt like a sea urchin had been removed from my brain that I hadn't previously realised was there. It was the result of years of tension, criticism, anger, undermining, etc., I never looked back. You have a child so you will have a different path to me but I wish you well.

[Mix56]

His "obsession" , & the manner with which he manipulates you to get will it be the end of your marriage.
he can prioritize his obsession living in a flat on his own.

[Silentplikebath]

Tell your DH that the answer to buying his new toy is ‘no’ because as a family you would benefit more from spending the money on him having counselling to change his behaviour. He also needs to know that you are seriously considering divorce if he continues in the same way as it’s so damaging for your DS.

My DH is the product of a similar marriage. His father is known as ‘the incredible sulk’ by the family

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

So in short he is sulking until you agree to the purchase?

[cheesersqueezer]

We have scheduled time to talk tomorrow night.

I called my employers health scheme to enquire if couple’s counselling is available through them and it is, so I did the initial assessment and my husband called and did an assessment too. So, we have an appointment booked next week but have not had a conversation about the issues.

I was setting the table for the meal tonight, asked if he was joining and he said no, because I hadn’t told him anything about it and had just gone ahead and started making the meal. Christ, I’m fed up.

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

Seriously? You are now supposed to run meals by him in advance? FFS.

[category12]

Joint counselling is not advisable where there's abuse.

He is emotionally abusive.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@cheesersqueezer

We have scheduled time to talk tomorrow night.

I called my employers health scheme to enquire if couple’s counselling is available through them and it is, so I did the initial assessment and my husband called and did an assessment too. So, we have an appointment booked next week but have not had a conversation about the issues.

I was setting the table for the meal tonight, asked if he was joining and he said no, because I hadn’t told him anything about it and had just gone ahead and started making the meal. Christ, I’m fed up.

That's fucked up

[Lordamighty]

His petulance knows no bounds.

[TwentyViginti]

@category12

Joint counselling is not advisable where there's abuse.

He is emotionally abusive.

Echoing the above. Not advised.


The meal? Oh ffs. How can you bear him?

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

I think it would be excellent to sit in front of a third party and let him give out about not being heard. You can give your examples eg tonight and he will look like an utter fuckwit. What a loser.

Joint counselling where one party has a manipulative cluster b personality disorder (narcissist, anti social PD etc) is definitely not advised as that party will manipulate the counsellor and use the sessions to gain ammunition. If you think he's a master manipulator don't go.

If you think he's a selfish childish twat do go. That's my thoughts anyway.

[Sunnydaysstillhere]

Send him the link to Just Eat...
And cook for him no more.

[billy1966]

You have absolutely no business going to counselling with an abusive man OP.

Cancel joint counselling and go alone.

You badly need to concentrate on yourself so you gain the strength to ditch this twit.

[Eckhart]

asked if he was joining and he said no, because I hadn’t told him anything about it and had just gone ahead and started making the meal

So it's ok for him not to speak for 3 days, but you're not allowed to cook for him without discussing it?

Stop cooking for him. No wonder you're fed up. He's ridiculous.

[VeganCow]

He is a weak man and an emotionally immature one at that. And he is making up perceived slights to play the victim and reacting in a way that he thinks makes himself appear to be the one who calls the shots.

I guess you are the level headed logical one so how you can spend a minute more listening to the drivel and watching his little tantrums, is beyond me.

[Daftapath]

Has he paid the rest of the money into the joint account yet OP?

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

@Daftapath

Has he paid the rest of the money into the joint account yet OP?

Somehow I doubt it since he's punishing her for cooking him dinner!!!

[sheworkshardforthemoney]

Hope it works out for you xx

[DC3Dakota]

Yeah as soon as the counsellor picks up on the emotional abuse (which make no mistake - he/she WILL DO and very quickly, too) then if they're even half decent, then they will bring the sessions to an early close or will suggest lone sessions. As a PP says, couple's counselling together is not advisable where there's abuse of any kind. This is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

[category12]

There are plenty of poor counsellors who won't recognise emotional abuse, or who are determined to treat both positions as valid, or who are manipulated themselves by the abuser. I really don't understand people's faith that the counsellor will see through the guy and magically show him what an asshole he's being. They're human and they're not all well trained.

It's not recommended to do joint counselling in an abusive relationship for excellent reasons.

[Nailgirl]

@DC3Dakota

Yeah as soon as the counsellor picks up on the emotional abuse (which make no mistake - he/she WILL DO and very quickly, too) then if they're even half decent, then they will bring the sessions to an early close or will suggest lone sessions. As a PP says, couple's counselling together is not advisable where there's abuse of any kind. This is, in my opinion, emotional abuse.

^^This. We went to counselling and he presented as a poor man trying to do his best with a mad wife suffering from PND. That he loved his parents and was in the middle of the two of us at 'war' when he just wanted us to get along. He presented well. It took 3 sessions for the counsellor to see that he was abusive to the extreme. He emailed the counsellor to tell them I thought he was a sexist pig and useless. He emailed me that the counsellor thought like him that I was nuts. He asked me to go to a session alone without telling him - the counsellor. I did -he was away one weekend emails swapped between counsellor and me -he said he had met many abusive awful husbands but he honestly thought it was 50/50 and we were both lying until the emails. From then on -it was counselling all the way on my own. You need to understand the first session will just be the counsellor trying to get the lay of the land type thing -so it might be difficult as you will be asked to explain what you do etc and he will put HIS side as well. He might twist it -you didn't cook the previous day and went on about communicating and then sprung dinner on him etc -not that I'm saying it's right etc. Be calm. This is emotional abuse, this is manipulation, this is financial abuse etc -it is CLEAR but for others looking in -it might take a while. I do not believe people like this change -I really don't. My ex is still the same years later. It has made me ill for years, but at least I don't live with it.

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

I know I'm going against the grain here but if a man is manipulative and abusive with a PD of course counselling is a big no no - I totally agree.

But this guy is just a grade a twat. A counsellor would have to be pretty thick (and many are) to not pick up on him whining about he wanted to buy this thing but mummy wouldn't let him and now he won't eat his dinner and god damn it it's his money and he's spending it on toys not food for his children. I mean really what a fuckwit.

But even if you get one of those nodding dog types just saying it out loud to another adult is enough in itself. It only takes a few words from the OP about his dad. And how he has done it for years and his goose is cooked. He needs to feel heard. Let him be heard.

He may be using the tactics some abusers use (the sulks) but that doesn't mean he IS an abuser. I think he's just an arsehole personally.