Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[Zofloramummy]

Oh God I had an ex like this, he ruined so many days with his sulks and restrained temper. When challenged he would go off like a bottle of pop and he would ‘punish’ me too with petty things.

I agree with the pp who said that he is training you to put his emotional needs above your own. How much time have you spent thinking about him and his moods over the years? How many time’s have you put his wishes above your own?

Your choices are, as I see it, choose to be a doormat or choose to be single, he won’t change.

[TheStoic]

I think he might be ‘discarding’ you, OP. Treating you terribly, leaving your bedroom, changing up his finances. I think he is preparing to leave.

[Eckhart]

I think he might be ‘discarding’ you, OP. Treating you terribly, leaving your bedroom, changing up his finances. I think he is preparing to leave

This is what psychopaths and narcissists do. OP, does he show any signs of this or does he just stonewalling you?

[timeisnotaline]

Umm eckhart he’s said he cancelled money going into the joint account. This is not just stonewalling.

[MummyDummyNow]

How are you OP, how are things this morning?

[Eckhart]

@timeisnotaline

Umm eckhart he’s said he cancelled money going into the joint account. This is not just stonewalling

No, it's an escalation of abuse. It's not a sign of a cluster b personality disorder. It's a big leap from abuser to psychopath.

[NewlyGranny]

This has moved up a notch to include financial abuse now. Could he be trying to provoke a breakup so he can play the victim?

Expecting you to be a mind-reader and sulking when you 'fail' is emotional abuse. We have words for communication - we aren't dogs!

I don't think this is going anywhere good. Look at where your income is going and steer it away from the joint account. He might be getting ready to clean you out before leaving you.

[DustyLoafer]

Our son is aware of his dad's mood and its upsetting him.

That would be my cue to kick the fucker out. No way would I let my child suffer his dickhead father's abuse.

[Mix56]

He is clearly trying to "punish" you now re monthly contribution. Tosser
What is your situation re mortgage? rent ? salary ?
If this is his tactic to make you submissive, then he has shot himself in the foot.
You need to get prepared, make copies of all the financial info, mortgage, savings, pensions, life insurance. make an aptmt with the CAB
get informed, information is power, then kick his sorry arse out.

[DC3Dakota]

You need to nip this in the bud for your son's sake. This isn't fair on him

[goody2shooz]

I’m sorry you’re in such an unhappy situation. My reaction would be to make an appointment with a solicitor with all the info @Mix56 suggested. Find out where you stand re divorce and see what you feel when you have this knowledge. As a pp suggested, get your own earnings into your own bank account and the cb if it goes into the joint account. Forewarned is forearmed, and knowledge is power. If he’s going to play nasty it’s better not to be caught on the back foot. Then you can calmly tell him you won’t put up with this intolerable behaviour any more. Good luck 💐

[category12]

@cheesersqueezer

He has made up a bed in another room and has gone there.

So, what's your plan, OP?

What do you think about the fact this is an emotionally abusive relationship and damaging for your child? Do you agree with that, or are you locked in to battle of wills to recreate his parents' marriage?

[Rammingspeed]

He’s only doing what he knows. If you know better do better. I knew better but didn’t act on it.

[cheesersqueezer]

My son and I have spent most of the day away and recently returned home. He is trying to speak to me normally now. I think he might now start to suggest that he is behaving normally and I am the one acting out of character.

In answer to questions about what next, I am thinking about what to do. This situation has not arisen before (to this extent) and I am assimilating, trying to be calm and managing ok at the moment.

[RandomMess]

I would consider saying something like...

You can't start speaking to me like nothing has happened after your behaviour, both the sulking and deciding to no longer contribute to the joint costs we have is so far from ok. Let me know when you are ready to apologise and discuss it properly.


Definitely get your ducks in a row in case you decide to end it, you in no way can carry on tolerating his behaviour.

[RandomMess]

Perhaps read the threads by jamaisjedors about her sulking DH to leaving and now divorcing him.

His behaviour had all the family treading on eggshells and he used it to control them.

Imagine never having to worry about what mood he is in again...

[TheChampagneGalop]

Our son is aware of his dad's mood and its upsetting him.
Please please help your son by leaving this man. It's going to affect him a lot to stay in such an environment.

[sapnupuas]

I grew up in a house where my father's moods dictated everything.

It was hell.

[Mydogmylife]

@cheesersqueezer

My son and I have spent most of the day away and recently returned home. He is trying to speak to me normally now. I think he might now start to suggest that he is behaving normally and I am the one acting out of character.

In answer to questions about what next, I am thinking about what to do. This situation has not arisen before (to this extent) and I am assimilating, trying to be calm and managing ok at the moment.

Well, I suppose from his point of view he IS behaving normally ( ie stropping) and you have behaved out of character by not buckling to it!
For myself, I would need to get to the bottom of this huff - was he dangling a hint earlier with the cash issue- but making it perfectly clear that this was the last ever time this nonsense was perpetuated and he would be getting counselling as the terms of you carrying on together - always supposing you can be bothered , this all sounds so stressful. Good luck

[MarriedtoDaveGrohl]

But he hasn't changed the money back has he? That needs to happen. If he's leaving which it looks like he is you will be left high and dry. Men can and do take everything when they go. I even heard of one coming back with a van to take furniture (fortunately the wife had put it in storage.).

He left her and the children with nothing. Remortgaged, took loans, the lot. She was destitute and had to rely on charity for her and the 4 children.

[Nailgirl]

My ex did this repeatedly. When ignored he would do ANYTHING to provoke a response - empty the joint bank account, speak to me as a child etc - I would suggest you email him and state this is emotional, psychological abuse and now financial and he either comes to the table to have a sensible discussion or you call it a day.

[PARunnerGirl]

My ex-H did this and at the start, I would get so upset and ask him over and over again what was wrong. It became so hurtful to me that I sort of subconsciously trained myself to not care anymore, as a protective mechanism. It was the start of the road to not caring about him and his hurtful ways anymore at all.

It sounds sad but it was the best thing in the end. The relationship I have now is so far away from what my marriage was, I would never have dreamt it was a possibility. I actually thought all men were prone to childishness, manipulation and ego-driven actions and it was just something to grin and bear. I am so glad to have removed myself from that relationship so that I could discover that all men most certainly aren’t like that. It’s just the dickhead ones who are!

[LilyLongJohn]

He's punishing you now in another way. He was emotionally abusing you by being in a 'huff', but because you stood up for yourself, he's now started to financially abuse you by reducing his payments. This is a toxic relationship for you, and will be affecting your dc.

[DC3Dakota]

I have no contact with my mother for not leaving my father who was abusive.

[Lobsterquadrille2]

@sapnupuas

I grew up in a house where my father's moods dictated everything.

It was hell.

So did I. It was hell too. I have unwittingly replicated my parents' relationship over and over in adulthood, and accepted some years ago that I'm better off alone. My "comfort level" is walking on eggshells and anticipating the next silence. In fact, many years ago I joined Mumsnet because of a relationship where this was key; I was told resoundingly to run for the hills, but I stayed several more years because I believed that I was to blame.