Husband in a huff

[cheesersqueezer]

My DH is annoyed with me. I have no idea why. This is not unusual. We texted today whilst he was at work and I sensed something was 'off' but I wasn't picking up just how 'huffy' he is on this particular occasion. He came in from work obviously in a mood. I asked what was wrong, he ignored me and walked upstairs.

I used to ask over and over 'whats wrong' , 'have I upset you' etc and he would continue to say 'nothing's wrong' and then after a time he may say what was actually wrong, or I may never find out what was wrong. I decided to stop asking over and over and last time he huffed, I just ignored him. He apologised the next day.

I am ignoring him tonight and we'll see what happens. His behaviour is obviously childish but I also think its bullying. He doesn't agree. His parents could huff with each other for days,- I think his dad maybe prided himself on how long he could huff for, so this has probably influenced his view of it.

Any suggestions as to other ways of reacting to his behaviour?

[MsTSwift]

The kids did this when small. Anyone in a huff is addressed as “sulkypants” until they stop. Punctured the injured wounded soldier vine.

Can’t abide sulking it’s emotional abuse. My friend as a teen had a mother who did this she was a real weirdo. Gave me a life long zero tolerance for sulking. If you’ve got a problem spit it out and we will deal with it.

[fabulous40s]

Worst thing is that this is what you are both teaching to your son

[FlapsInTheWind]

I could never get the horn with someone like this so it would get autosorted early on.

You are seeing that you actually have power here OP because you haven't 'broken' yet. You thus have control over how long this goes on for. I would leave it and not speak to him at all. If it goes on for a year I would see that as a win.

[rowrowrowyaboat]

Its abuse. No point sugar coating or excusing it. Your son will grow up thinking this is ok and will more than likely carry on the generational cycle of abuse. You have to do something to change this because its highly likely your husband wont.

[billy1966]

Your poor son.

This will be making him anxious and insecure in the home.

It will take his peace, make him nervy and stay with him for life.

The damage growing up in a home like yours OP, lasts a lifetime.

Think about your child please.

Think a out getting rid of this awful selfish man.

You can't believe your little boy deserves this.

[nearlynermal]

This sort of thing grinds your love to dust
^ bang on

OP, my family is also super passive aggressive.

I'm guessing he a) doesn't have any insight into the impact he's having and b) it would be quite a journey, i.e. therapy, to unlearn the behaviour. Maybe, in a weird way, being honest about what's upsetting may make him feel vulnerable - a kind of climb down.

I guess it depends how many of these things are happening per year.

But I'd be tempted to say to him: do you realise when you do this, what the cost is to our relationship. You eventually come out of your huff and seem to assume it's all resolved. But do you understand that it takes me days/weeks to feel any connection with you, it feels so disloyal, and every time it happens a piece of our relationship gets left behind. I can't stop you from doing it, but you need to understand the cost, because I hope it's worth it.

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

I agree with messaging him: tell him the silent treatment is abusive behaviour,and you will not be raising your son in a home where he thinks that such behaviour is healthy, normal or acceptable. Tell him to grow up and use his words if he has an issue or to get to fuck.

[OrtamLeevz]

Let him stew in his own juice. Carry on as normal and when he finally stops sulking, pretend it never happened. Don't give him the response he is expecting.

[category12]

@OrtamLeevz

Let him stew in his own juice. Carry on as normal and when he finally stops sulking, pretend it never happened. Don't give him the response he is expecting.

But that's presumably what his mother did. OP describes the parental relationship as a competition in huffing and stone-walling.

It's really not the answer to replicate his parents' relationship. This is affecting OP's wellbeing, and her son's. It's emotional abuse. It needs to stop.

[PatchworkElmer]

What a knob. Hope you manage to have a nice day without him, OP. I agree that this is emotional abuse.

[Disillusionedsusan]

I used to be the same, wondering if I'd done something..

He just needs to realise that if he carries on with this kind of bullshit, there may well come a time when you genuinely don’t care.

Now I'm here..

[Regularsizedrudy]

This is a terrible example for your son. Stop playing into his game and making it a competition of who will “break” first. Be the adult, tell him he needs to stop or he can leave.

[Inneedofsleepplease]

This is emotionally abusive behaviour.

[DC3Dakota]

@TheLastStarfighter

My DH does this occasionally too. I certainly wouldn’t leave him over it though . I treat him in the same way that I would if it were a teenager doing similar - be the adult but be kind. Don’t let it affect you - you are not responsible for his behaviour. Carry on with what you want to do while he sulks. Once he’s ready to talk, tell him his behaviour isn’t acceptable, but don’t make a drama out if it.

Once mine has calmed down, 60% of the time I find it wasn’t even me he was upset with, he was just upset. He can’t help his upbringing, his was a generation that was brought up not to cry and this is what he learned from a very young age to be the right behaviour for a man. Fortunately I love him enough to help him deal with that, while not letting him treat me badly.

Be kind? So he abuses OP and your advice is to be kind?

[mummmy2017]

Put a sing a long happy video on.
Mamma Mia is my fav and sing at the top of your voice, get the kids to join in too.
It tells DH that your in a good mood, which then means his sulking is only effecting him...

[Inneedofsleepplease]

@DC3Dakota I’m sorry but this is terrible advice. Grown men should not be needed to be treated in the same way children do in order to get them to come round.
The man OP describes is emotionally abusive and there’s nothing dramatic about being fuming at his behaviour - and that’s bare minimum. People can’t help their upbringing, I agree, but they can have an awareness of how it affects their behaviour. They can go to counselling and work on why they project their trauma on to other people. How other people deal with their internalised pain is not another persons burden to carry.

[DC3Dakota]

[quote Inneedofsleepplease]@DC3Dakota I’m sorry but this is terrible advice. Grown men should not be needed to be treated in the same way children do in order to get them to come round.
The man OP describes is emotionally abusive and there’s nothing dramatic about being fuming at his behaviour - and that’s bare minimum. People can’t help their upbringing, I agree, but they can have an awareness of how it affects their behaviour. They can go to counselling and work on why they project their trauma on to other people. How other people deal with their internalised pain is not another persons burden to carry.[/quote]
That was not my advice!!!! I was quoting the post

[DC3Dakota]

@Inneedofsleepplease The poster who wrote that post was @TheLastStarfighter not me! I just quoted it! That was NOT my advice!

[rorosemary]

My DH tried that precisely once. I told him that he was going to talk to me no matter what. He did a hmppfffff. I then grabbed a saw in front of him and cut down one of his trees. He found his voice back pretty quickly after that. I will not be ignored in a huff. He now knows that doing that has severe consequences for what matters to him. Do not let him get away with it. It is a form of control.

[Disillusionedsusan]

Eh OK Roro

I have said in the past 'Is everything OK?' and if the answer is 'Fine' or 'nothing' if I ask if there's something wrong, I say 'Well can you not act like that please, it's not fair on the rest of us.' That has sometimes worked in snapping him out of it and being clear I will listen if there's a problem but I'm not OK with sulking. But as I say it hasn't stopped and I now don't care much, it's just annoying and unfair.

[TheLastStarfighter]

@DC3Dakota @Inneedofsleepplease My comment was from 3 days ago when OP had said that her husband was “huffy” and she was ignoring him. OP has provided quite a lot more information since which shows it is quite a bit more.

I’d also point out that my comment was about how I deal with the occasional huffs of my husband which are nothing like what OP has since described of hers.

[BrowncoatWaffles]

I grew up in a house exactly like this. By the end my parents were as bad as each other for it, but to start with it was dad doing it to my mum. The longest I remember was nine days over the Easter holiday.
I hated it and it's really skewed my relationships as an adult because I've never seen a couple communicate about disagreements and sort them out, things would go silent and then eventually a thaw (or in my mum's case the end was always punctuated by an offer of a cup of tea... days after she last spoke to you!). The first time I had an argument with DH where he got cross (thankfully rare as we're both usually pretty chilled) I was hysterical and beside myself because as far as I was concerned if it had gotten to the point where you were talking forcefully about it then things must be irretrievably broken.

I well remember the horrible atmosphere and I'm so sorry for you and DS. I hope you have some fun things planned for this weekend.

[Inneedofsleepplease]

@DC3Dakota I apologise I tagged you by mistake

[RantyAnty]

You're doing the right thing by ignoring his silent treatment.

Think of all the times you tried to coax him asking what's wrong over and over. I bet it's never been anything important.

Take your DS out for the day or watch some movies together.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I remember the first time my XH did it to me. I was pregnant with our first child and I'd told him off for doing something (actually very very thoughtless) whilst he was drunk and we were with friends.

So I had to be punished. It went on for the best part of a week and the only thing that jolted him out of it was a pregnancy scare. My mum used to do exactly the same thing, but oddly only when I was small and didn't 'obey' her.

It's a training exercise. Designed to bring you into line so you never cross him again. Even better if you don't know what you did (and he won't tell you), because then you try to put everything right by being ultra sweet and kind and you learn to dread putting a foot wrong.

So it's like training you to be the 'perfect wife' with no wants or needs of your own.