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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
wannabebump · 10/09/2020 10:46

How long does he expect you to hang around for him to decide? My ex did this - I didn't hang around.

Sending you a handhold Thanks

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:47

The weekend he thinks

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:47

thank you for the handhold

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 10/09/2020 10:48

Oh no. It sounds like he's going to see how it goes with her and try to keep you in a holding pattern as a back up.

Also for some reason I feel he may have contacted her first rather than the other way around.

What a shit.

Marylou2 · 10/09/2020 10:49

Sorry that this is happening to you. You have to hold your nerve. His reaction to this situation will tell you everything you need to know about being able to trust him. Tell him that the ball is entirely in his court and then do not contact him again. Let him make his decision. I hope it works out well for you.

sofato5miles · 10/09/2020 10:50

There is nothing worse than deliberately made to feel insecure in a relationship. I mean really, what are you meant to do?

Personally,i think you should make the decision for him. What a cruel wanker. And thank your lucky stars you were not even deeper in..

cuddlymunchkin · 10/09/2020 10:51

Wow, how insulting. Surely in a relationship you're committed to the other person? He is saying that for him he is committed until the next offer comes along where he will then carefully weigh you up against each other and you may or may not win.

That means absolutely no security for you in this relationship.

I wouldn't be able to stay because it would damage my mental health. I need to feel loved and wanted for keeps. Can you stay in a relationship where you will never feel secure?

roadsurvey · 10/09/2020 10:52

Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.

Just wanted to check you won't be taking this prick back if he decides that's what he wants? He isn't asking for space he is being an utter cunt to you. I'm so sorry OP Thanks

Cherrylipbalm · 10/09/2020 10:52

You are his back up
This happened to me. We had a few weeks break, I decided but in reality it gave him chance to test the waters with a girl he'd never had a relationship with but always liked.
He came crawling back saying he'd made a big mistake blah blah. Months later he dumped me for her because low and behold she was now ready for a relationship.
Any man who does this doesn't want to be with you 100%

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 10/09/2020 10:52

You take back control and jog him on.

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/09/2020 10:54

This is awful.
If he loved you this wouldn’t be happening.

If you allow him to do this imo the relationship is over as much as if you tell him today you won’t participate in this contrivance.

If it were me it would be over.

AlternativePerspective · 10/09/2020 10:55

End it. Now.

I know that this hurts at the moment but if you take him back he will play this game every time he fancies cheating and will justify it by saying that if it had happened before he would just have cheated.

Tell him that you’ve decided to give him permanent space and that you wish him luck with her.

Then block the twat and move on.

Flowers
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:56

Thanks everyone, we are still together. I love him & can see a life with him. This is why I'm really struggling. I do believe him that nothing has happend with her & that hes flattered by the attention. I have said i wont be in contact until he makes a decision. My heart is in bits.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/09/2020 10:56

I'd dump him first and tell him I won't be treated like this.

AlternativePerspective · 10/09/2020 10:58

He doesn’t love you though OP.

If he did he wouldn’t have had doubts the instant someone else told him she had feelings for him.

The likelihood is that he’s always had feelings for her but that because she was in a relationship he couldn’t pursue them. Now she’s free he has a chance with her. You were only ever there while he couldn’t have her.

Seriously no good can come of this. And you really won’t have a happy life together.

shesgonebatshitagain · 10/09/2020 10:59

@Stealthynamechange

Thanks everyone, we are still together. I love him & can see a life with him. This is why I'm really struggling. I do believe him that nothing has happend with her & that hes flattered by the attention. I have said i wont be in contact until he makes a decision. My heart is in bits.
How can you see a life with someone that needs space to decide if he wants you in his more than another woman?
sofato5miles · 10/09/2020 10:59

If you stay, je will do this ro you again, and again.

Be warned. He doesn't see you as you see him

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:00

Thank you, you are right. I probably do need to end it, this is killing me.

OP posts:
fortunacookie · 10/09/2020 11:01

I think it's good that he's been honest and upfront with you that shows he respects your feelings ...

However, the fact that he is confused and needs to think about it to me would mean he doesn't feel as strong as I do and that would worry me like it clearly does you OP Sad

I don't think it's as clear cut as just dump him though Hmm

PaternosterLoft · 10/09/2020 11:02

@Stealthynamechange

Thanks everyone, we are still together. I love him & can see a life with him. This is why I'm really struggling. I do believe him that nothing has happend with her & that hes flattered by the attention. I have said i wont be in contact until he makes a decision. My heart is in bits.
But you are not together. He is in a relationship with her. That's what he's taking the time for. He's not taking the time to tell her that he's not interested because he's with you. You've been dumped.
roadsurvey · 10/09/2020 11:03

Thanks everyone, we are still together. I love him & can see a life with him.

The guy has just told you he is trying to work out which side the grass is greener. It's bad enough that he thought of it but to actually tell you this is just sticking a knife in. What on earth makes you still want a life with him? He has deliberately hurt you.

SandysMam · 10/09/2020 11:03

Never make someone a priority when for them you are only an option. What a prick, that girl is welcome to him (by former student I hope you mean in an adult capacity, karate instructor etc and not teacher, that would be ick anyway!!).
So sorry you are heartbroken OP, at least this happened before kids etc.

BewilderedDoughnut · 10/09/2020 11:04

I’d end it and beat him to it.

This will not be a happy ever after!

ChelseaFelix · 10/09/2020 11:06

I’m sorry this is happening to you, sending big hugs.
But I’d get kick him to the curb as who says he won’t be flattered by another in the future.

Also to clarify, I’m guessing she’s closer to his age student/friend and not like younger student.
It’s just when you said student I pictured 17/18 yr old lol

AbulaConundrum · 10/09/2020 11:06

A useful saying I've learnt since being on mumsnet is: never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. He sees you as an option OP, I'm sorry but you need to take control and end it.

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