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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
fortunacookie · 10/09/2020 11:07

"But you are not together.
He is in a relationship with her. That's what he's taking the time for.
He's not taking the time to tell her that he's not interested because he's with you.
You've been dumped."

I don't read her original post the same way ??!!Confused

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:08

Hes definitely not in a relationship with her.
Yes shes an adult & was an adult when she was his student.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:09

Ive not been dumped.
Hes told me he needs space to be just him over the weekend away from ds & i.

OP posts:
borntohula · 10/09/2020 11:11

No, sorry OP. He's not the boyfriend you thought he was. Quit while you're ahead and dump HIM. You will feel better for it ultimately, I guarantee it. Flowers

ChelseaFelix · 10/09/2020 11:12

I’d still run a mile, I couldn’t trust him after this, he needs to think about being with you after finding out she’s now single?

Meaning if she was single before he got with you he’d of been with her and you and him would never of happened?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/09/2020 11:13

If he doesn't know what he wants after a year and a half then he obviously doesn't love you.

I would move on because this is just the first hurdle. There will be other woman in the future.

Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 11:14

If he was actually a decent human being then he would have ended it. Not asked you up wait while he decides if he wants to screw some random girl or not.

He is a total bastard. Dump. Perminantly.

I wouldn't be surprised if this is a control tactic and he wants you to feel insecure. And maybe he intends to come back but 'still have ferlings' for this other girl and spend then onwards making you feel not good enough in comparison. Or even like he may leave you for her at any given moment.

He isnt lovely. He is a dick.

Livandme · 10/09/2020 11:17

More to it than he's letting on.
He clearly has feelings for her and is messing you around.
If I was to receive a message saying someone had had feelings for me but I was with someone else, I'd be saying I'm flattered but with someone else so please dont persue this.
I wouldnt be calling things to a halt with my partner of over a year on the back of 1 message.
Sorry op, its dodgy and he needs showing the door.
Will hurt in short term but long term its for the best.

roadsurvey · 10/09/2020 11:17

Hes told me he needs space to be just him over the weekend away from ds & i.

He is fucking her.

huuskymam · 10/09/2020 11:18

He's put you on the back burner to sort out his feelings for her, that means he does has feelings for her. He was never fully committed to your relationship. Dump him now, don't let any man make a fool of you, you're worth more.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 10/09/2020 11:20

Step away from the triangle, Stealthynamechange.

"He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages" - or to hear you sound upset and needy.

Focus on yourself.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/09/2020 11:20

‘Needs space’ is just slang for ‘wants to cheat’. Please don’t hang about doing the pick me dance - he’s not who you thought. So sorry op, ditch him, you are worth more than this.

spidermomma · 10/09/2020 11:21

Oh op hope your okay. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it to
Be firm an be strong ! Tell him your not waiting around if he can have doubt so easily after a year and a half he isn't worth it !! If he loves you like he says that wouldn't of crossed his mind he would of said I'm happy. Leave me alone xxx

ExclamationPerfume · 10/09/2020 11:21

Sod that. He is treating you like a mug.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2020 11:22

You need to make the decision and tell him it's over
Do not be treated like an option

Varenne · 10/09/2020 11:25

OP you sound really strong and I hope it's enabling you to edge towards being able to cut him loose. This is a horrible thing to do to someone and, even if he "picks" you (how degrading for him to put you in that position), your trust will be gone and your confidence through the floor.

I was with someone who pulled a similar stunt. I stupidly did the "pick me" dance. He did pick me, but only because it was easier for him, and subsequently shagged someone else anyway. Don't let that happen to you, retain control and be brave Thanks

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:25

Thank you all for the replies. This is so hard :-(
He says he told her hes in a relationship.
I dont want to be an open option to him.
God i hate this, my heart is broken.

OP posts:
ExplodingCarrots · 10/09/2020 11:25

I'm sorry if this is harsh but if he loved you OP he'd have told her to jog on the moment she messaged him. The 'need space' is basically him putting you to the side to decide which of you is better for him. The fact he even has to think of it would be enough for me. You don't sound like you have much self esteem and you really don't deserve to be treated like this.

He's not a prize to be won now, he's a grade A prick. You're much better off without him.

cuddlymunchkin · 10/09/2020 11:26

Pick me, pick me!

And he comes back.

Until the next time...

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:26

@Varenne im sorry to hear you have been through this too & how it ended.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:27

yes my self esteem is low, i was in an abusive marriage & am just going through the divorce.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 10/09/2020 11:28

Out of I interest- Did he used to have feelings for her too or was it just one sided but he fancies getting his leg over? (On a clearly emotionally vulnerable person).

If it were me and someone from my past contacted me and IF I realised there were feelings there... then I would decide one way or another what I wanted and IF it was her, then I'd end the relationship with my partner. I wouldn't stress the living shit out of my partner and insult them by telling them to wait while I make my mind up.

And that's assuming he actually has feelings for her. Which it doesnt sound like he does or surely you would have been aware of her long before now.

AlternativePerspective · 10/09/2020 11:28

OP, if a bloke you knew suddenly told you he had feelings for you what would you do?

Would you:

Tell him that you were in a relationship with someone else and that you’re sorry, but nothing can ever happen between you?

Or:

Would you tell your DP you need some time to think about whether it was actually him or this other bloke you wanted?

Your DP has told you he doesn’t love you enough that he was prepared to tell the other girl no. What does that tell you about your relationship?

It certainly doesn’t tell you that it’s a relationship with a bright future, because he doesn’t love you. Even if he has feelings for you, it’s not enough.

If he was sure about the two of you he wouldn’t be taking time to decide.

ExplodingCarrots · 10/09/2020 11:28

Plus him saying he's cheated in the past says he has form for this and I wouldn't be able to trust him.
I'm sorry OP. I hope you get some resolve.

pooopypants · 10/09/2020 11:29

He 'needs space this weekend'???

To shag her.

Take control and bin him off.

A close friend did the "pick me, please pick me!" and it's affected her MH no end, she's now left the piece of shit but she's still picking up the pieces of her MH and dignity.