DP needs space - please help me through this

[Stealthynamechange]

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

[Billben]

You love him more than he loves you, and he knows this. That’s why he is banking on you putting up with this nonsense. I would feel so insulted at this. I know you are hurting OP, but don’t give up your self respect just to keep a man who treats you this way.
Him saying he loves you means nothing. They are just words. It’s his actions you need to listen to.

[ErickBroch]

He's told you he has form for cheating, and he is clealy fucking her this weekend. I am sorry I know you're devastated but it's over. He wants 'space' to shag her this weekend then come back to you after. He is making you out to be a complete fool.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

So, a woman he has never even thought of, who used to be his student, gets in touch and says 'hey, guess what, I've always fancied you and now I don't have anyone else' and his immediate reaction isn't 'who the hell are you and why are you telling me this? BLOCK'?

It's to say to his long term partner 'oh look, this woman who has always fancied me is free and I didn't tell her to get to fuck, so I need to think about our relationship'?

He is so uncommitted to you that it's untrue. Also, he's got no idea how his own mind works. You are better off out of it.

[Bunnymumy]

Think is message him 'Well I have done some thinking and you can take all the space you need. Don't come back, because you arent the one for me'.

Then block his number and post any of his stuff back to him, recorded delivery.

[AlternativePerspective]

Also, he must have given her reason to think there was a chance with him even before this, and he likely hasn’t mentioned his relationship with you. After all, what person ends a relationship with her bf and then goes on to tell a man she knows to be in a happy relationship that she’s always had feelings for him?

Have you met this man’s friends OP? His family? I’m guessing the things he’s been telling you are vastly different to the things he’s been telling the rest of the world, especially the women he thinks he might fancy a shag with.

[DarkmilkAddict]

I just feel so sad for you OP, dealing with this and the divorce process. I know the pain

[CultOfWax]

I should add shes a work colleague now

He's already shagging her and that message he received was her telling him she's ended her relationship, and he needs to do the same if he wants to continue shagging her.

[Stealthynamechange]

Thanks everyone.
Yes ive met his friends & family. My ds was introduced to his mum last weekend.
I think im in shock he could treat me like this.
I didnt know until last night he has cheated in the past.
Yeah i know what i need to do, im just not sure i can.

[MargeryBenson]

Blimey - I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for him to make a decision. Tell him to piss off - to do anything else is to hand him all the power and that'll be that - he will know he can walk all over you

[Bunnymumy]

Pp makes a fair point. If you knew someone was in a happy relationship, you wouldn't tell them you had feelings for them. And if you didnt know if they were single or not, you would find out first.

You would only confess if they had been showing clear signs they were into you (so you assumed they were single). Or perhaps they had told you they were having issues with their partner and were thinking of splitting.

[Stealthynamechange]

Cheated in other relationships that is

[Gilda152]

I don't believe him for one second that nothings happened.

OP I know it's excruciating I've been there, both the 'victim' of them needing space and the perpetrator in younger years. I did not need space. I wanted to fuck about and still be thought of as the good person because hey. We were on a break. Its an awful thing to do to someone. It's rare I say LTB but this is my first.

[Miss81]

@Stealthynamechange

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry OP. It's horrible when men make you feel like you're an option.

If he wanted you he'd be with you, that's what I've learnt from everyone here.

[Ariela]

Reading between the lines, I'd not be far from accurate to say he had feelings for her long before you, and she knew it but she was in a relationship.
Then he met you.
Now she has ended that relationship and said 'Hey i'm available now!'
and your DP has said 'Oh good, but let me just end things with OP/let me decide which of the two of you I prefer'

you need to kick him in to touch now. Set him free to have that relationship he's always wanted with OW and you can go find someone better, who treats you as No 1.
I know completely my DH would laugh and say 'not a chance Ariela is and always will be my dream woman, go away, leave me alone!'

[AlternativePerspective]

If you can’t face doing it in person then I’d do it by text.He doesn’t deserve a face-to-face conversation anyway where he can turn on the emotions and the persuasion tactics.

“Thank you for being honest with me. As it’s clear that we’re at different places in our relationship and you still aren’t sure about your feelings for me I think it’s only fair that you go and find whatever it is you’re looking for with her. I’ll send your stuff on and wish you well.”

That way you haven’t blown up at him, your response sounds rational and well thought through, and he won’t be able to come back on it.

Then I would probably block him.

[VintageStitchers]

Sadly, he’s likely to come back at some point during the next 6 months telling you it was all a dreadful mistake.

That’s when you have to be really strong, if you can be. It’s often easier to take them back thinking you can get back to how it was before, but it won’t ever be as good. They’ll always be doubts.

You’ve survived binning one prick and you can do it again, if you have to.

[Ludo19]

Come on OP grow a pair. EVERYONE on here is telling you to dump this utter cunt!

You have a child to think about!

I get you're having a rough time honestly but this bastard is just destroying and dignity you have left ffs. Who the fuck does he think he is???

Text him and tell him to get to fuck. Get angry.....you can do it!

[GilbertMarkham]

Of he felt the right way and was a deceng person, there would get be s decision to make.

He would t need to.think and he would not need space.

He's have responded "that's very flattering/touching but I'm in a relationship".

The poster who pointed out that it's v unusual for people to declare feelings without background or encouragement is also right. There's clearly been something romantic/significant going on between them, wonder if/when it stopped?
I wouldn't rely on him to be totally truthful about that.

It's not a good sign at all that he's a past cheater and that he's impressed with himself and presumably thinks you should be grateful that he hasn't just gone ahead and cheated here.

[SoulofanAggron]

He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.

I don't think this man is a good bet. He admits to fancying/considering another woman and thinks telling you is an improvement because usually he would cheat. This to me would suggest there is a risk he'd cheat in future, as he gets tempted.

You can end things- you know you have to really. xxx

[GilbertMarkham]

*If he felt the right way and was a decent person, there would get be no decision to make.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

And you've been with this man for eighteen months and the issue of him cheating in the past has never come up?

I think he's been giving you the 'best version of him' all this time. It's about to stop, and he will revert to the 'real him'. Which doesn't sound that great, to be honest.

[differentnameforthis]

Either:

He wants you to beg him to stay.
He has already cheated, either physically or emotionally.

Dump him before he he dumps you!

[Silentplikebath]

@Stealthynamechange you can do this. Tell him that you’ve made the decision for him and you don’t want the relationship to continue. Block him on your phone, social media etc and spend some time being single.

You are not his backup plan.

[Mintlegs]

Don’t be second best. It will affect your self esteem significantly. You deserve better. It’s so painful and frightening ending a relationship you thought was amazing. He’s making you feel like he is doing you a favour and he’s so sorry. In reality he’s a cheeky f*er.

[Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd]

You left an abusive marriage, were not even divorced and dived into another one and already involving him in your son's life and planning to move him in with your son. Now you want to hang onto said bloke who blew you off the second he got a potentially better offer.

Just no.

The fact that you are not sure you can bin this prick speaks volumes - that your self-esteem is too low to even be dating, much less moving in with a man who treats you so badly, who will 'need space' and leave you to it anytime he gets a more tempting possibility.

You need to get rid of him and stop bloody dating until you've done a lot of work on your self-esteem.

This isn't fair on you and definitely not on your son.