DP needs space - please help me through this

[Stealthynamechange]

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

[LockdownLoopy]

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Everyone is right though I’m afraid he’ll be spending the weekend with her making sure it’s a sure thing before he cuts you off totally - or worse, keeps seeing you both. You’re not his priority and the one he truly loves or he would have told her to do one right away.

You need to take control here and get rid of him before he brings you down further and further.

[differentnameforthis]

@Stealthynamechange

Ive not been dumped.
Hes told me he needs space to be just him over the weekend away from ds & i.

Or he's planning on cheating...

[TwentyViginti]

He's playing you like a fiddle. Take control and end it.

What an utter tool he is.

[MadinMarch]

I'd dump him first and tell him I won't be treated like this.
This!
He's already let you know what he thinks of you and that he's not very committed to you. Would you still want to continue the relationship now, even if he decides to 'choose' you in the coming weeks?

[WhiteWidow001]

I remember years ago when I first started dating being told 'if you are dating anyone has to think about whether or not they want to be with you, finish it there and then'. However painful, I think this is right. You know yourself that if you are with someone you absolutely love, there's not much to 'think about' in terms of whether you actually want to be with them. Maybe practically, but not emotionally. That part of it just shouldn't be in question.

It sounds like he wants to spend some time sounding her out and seeing if she's available. If not, he wants you as backup. The trouble is, while you may be able to write it off as a one-off bump in the road, if he does think there's a 'better' option out there for him, I predict he'll do this again down the line. He may always be on the lookout, ready to consider someone new, expecting you to wait on the sidelines. That alone would make it hard for me to relax in a relationship.

I'm so sorry that you've had your life tipped upside down like this, it's cruel and unfair. Have you got good friends for emotional support?

[AlternativePerspective]

Also, be prepared for the fact that when you dump him he will say that he was planning to come back to you but now you’ve ruined it.... Don’t listen... Dump and block....

[Zaphodsotherhead]

@PamDemic

Take control OP, don't be his option, don't do the pick me dance.

End it. If he truly loved you, he would have told her to go away.

Sorry you're going through this.

This.

Also, if you don't dump him, you are going to have to suffer through more of his 'I just want to be alone - to think' times. And it will always be when you need him most.

He's not partner material.

[JeffJarrett]

If you stay with him and accept this behaviour then you'll always be second guessing the relationship and always be paranoid he'll be looking for "someone better"
Even if he decides he wants to stay, who's to say someone else might come along a few years down the line when you're living together? Could you honestly live like that?
He's showing you who he is now. Forget who he was before.

[BastardingBug]

The only credit I'll give him is that he's let you know he's a bastard now rather than after he moves in.

He is a bastard though, OP.

If you are committed in your relationship then it doesn't matter who else declares they have feelings for you, you don't entertain it.

If you stay with him you will always be wondering when this will happen next because he has shown you that your relationship is put into jeopardy whenever somebody else shows an interest in him.

[BertiesLanding]

OP, you deserve so much better - but you'll never get it if you hold on waiting for him to change, which he won't.

Find your self-respect, give it a good polish, and kick him into touch.

[Cherrylipbalm]

The only credit I'll give him is that he's let you know he's a bastard now rather than after he moves in

This!

And he's only told you to relieve guilt by saying he was honest

[Grobagsforever]

OP, do it for your DS if you can't do it for yourself- he deserves to have this man out of his life.

[SBTLove]

So he was happy with you, then a better option was offered and he expects you to
wait until he decides who to pick??
Fuck him right in the bin asap!
Who does he think he is 😡

[TwentyViginti]

Who does he think he is

The Man With The Golden Cock, apparently.

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

So she was his student (teenage?) and is now his work colleague, who has dumped her DP, and is interested in renewing their relationship and he's not sure and wants to keep you as as "maybe" whilst he decides?

You are worth more than being his Plan B if his Plan A doesn't work out. He's an admitted cheater who works with a former lover. I think you muster all your dignity and integrity and let him go (and please dont take him back in 6 months when he comes crawling back saying it was a mistake). It hurts but you have to love/respect yourself and your son more than him.

[Theredjellybean]

I am so sorry OP.
I think he has been cheating with her for sometime.
I reckon the message was more her saying choose...or I tell your gf

No one blows up a serious relationship on basis of one message from some ex student.
The fact they are colleagues now is huge giveaway.

Even if a message out of the blue made you wonder what a relationship with that person would be like...most people would start with maybe a message back..a bit of talking, then meet for a drink...

All of that he and her have done already...this weekend is for him to pacify her...and keep her hanging on while he then comes back to you.

[Ginorwine30]

He sounds awful OP, nobody who truly loved you would question their whole relationship because an ex student has said they fancy them. I definitely think there’s more to it than he’s letting on and expecting you to hang around just waiting is ridiculous. Make the decision for him, tell him it’s over and you don’t ever want to just be an option. You deserve so much better!

[AlternativePerspective]

Actually I think a PP makes a good point and that it’s likely they’ve been seeing each other for a while, now she’s ended her relationship to be with him and is waiting for him to do the same so they can be together.

He needs the weekend to “think” because he needs to be away shagging her playing happy ever after and then he’ll have decided he wants to be with her by the end of it.

Don’t give him the choice. He has chosen, and he’s chosen to be with her. Even if he ends up not being, he has chosen to think about whether he’d like to be with her.

I guarantee that if you tried to contact him over the weekend he won’t respond.

Seriously bin him off now. Not one single person on this thread has said to give the man a chance.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

Go and listen to 'A Little Time' (Beautiful South) loud and on repeat.

[Abertropper]

Someone did something similar to me once. Said his ex was back in contact and he wasn’t over her and wanted to talk to her and “see what the situation was”.

I cannot tell you how satisfying it was when he contacted me around a month later asking for a drink/chat and I replied telling him that didn’t sound like a good idea and we should now focus on our new relationships.

I know it must hurt op and you feel like you want to think and not rush to end it but honestly you will feel so much better by taking back control .

[ginghamtablecloths]

Sounds like he's keeping you hanging on a string in case the other relationship doesn't work out. Tell him that you are no longer interested in him if this is the way he behaves. Plenty more fish out there. His loss.

[Thatnameistaken]

I bet he feels like a dog with two dicks. He'll be trying her out this week then he'll either play you both or dump you for the fresher model.
Please don't sit there while he plays eeny meeny miny moe, muster some self respect and ditch the bastard.
If he loved you he would have knocked her back in the first instance, he wouldn't have thought twice about it.

[SandyY2K]

The issue due me is that even if he has his space and decides he wants to be with me, I would no longer feel like I was in a secure loving relationship.

I'd be waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I couldn't bevin a relationship, where I continued to feel not good enough.... or that if a better offer came along, he'd be off.

So sadly, the moment he said those words in my mind it would signify the end. Even if I didn't end the relationship immediately, my feelings for him would change and I'd have one foot out of the door and my heart wouldn't be in it anymore.

His comment that he would have cheated in past relationships would also cement my thoughts to be done.... as he clearly has the tendency and I'd be thinking it's just a matter of time before he reverts to type.

[blinkybill47]

Leave.... end it.... don't wait...

If he needs to think about it... it says a lot.... he shouldn't have even had to contemplate it, he should have messaged her and been professional and said he was happily taken.

Leave. Leave with your dignity.

When's the next time someone's going to show interest and it'll all happen again