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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP needs space - please help me through this

392 replies

Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 10:45

i will try to be brief, DP 1 1/2 years, see each other daily, he has great relationship with my ds (knew him as friends first) we were planning to move in together.
DP has been weird since saturday, told me last night one of his friends who used to be his student messaged him to say she'd ended her relationship & has had feelings for DP for years. He says because he didnt have a err no reaction its thrown everything into doubt & he doesnt know what he wants, he wants some space to think about things & has left me in a broken hearted limbo, i feel like utter crap, hes told me everyday for however long its been now that he loves me, hes says he means it. He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.
I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I truly believed him when he said he loves me.
I feel like crap.
Hes messaged to apologise numerous times.
He called to see if im ok this morning as i didnt reply to his messages - im not, im in heart break limbo.
Wise mumsnetters i need your help to get through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
pooopypants · 10/09/2020 11:29

He 'needs space this weekend'???

To shag her.

Take control and bin him off.

A close friend did the "pick me, please pick me!" and it's affected her MH no end, she's now left the piece of shit but she's still picking up the pieces of her MH and dignity.

MaryMashedThem · 10/09/2020 11:30

Thanks everyone, we are still together. I love him & can see a life with him.

A life where every time he gets a "better" (she's not, btw, OP) offer he leaves you hanging, wondering who he's going to choose?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/09/2020 11:30

has left me in a broken hearted limbo,

How on earth has he left you in limbo? He has told you he doesn't know if he wants you or someone else and you're going to wait for him to make up his mind? Fuck that! He also told you he would usually have cheated on you so you should be grateful? I would honestly be wondering of this woman was real or if he was just making this up to see how much he can test you. Fucking rat bag either way. Make his decision easy and tell him to get to fuck. Infact, I wouldn't even tell him, I wouldnjust ghost him.

roadsurvey · 10/09/2020 11:31

yes my self esteem is low, i was in an abusive marriage & am just going through the divorce.

Don't let this man lower it any further. You are better than this.

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 10/09/2020 11:34

He says he thinks hes going to tell her to back off, hes done well to tell me & apparently in the past he would have cheated.

Wtf?! Who says he's done well to tell you? And apparently in the past he would have cheated? Did he say that?

OP I'm so sorry you're heartbroken it is an utterly shit feeling but I do believe these wise PPs who told you to make the decision for him have it right. Don't hang around to find out what your fate will be with him. He's not prioritising you and my spidery senses think he will be a cheat. Save yourself heartache from another unhappy relationship. You can do better!

jewel1968 · 10/09/2020 11:34

Another useful expression I have seen here is - when someone tells you who they ate, listen.

He is clearly telling you that his needs come first, that your needs don't matter and that he is not that into you.

Really really sorry but you will never feel secure in this relationship.

I totally get that he is flattered and even that he is tempted but he should have had a strong word with himself and realised you were more important. Instead he spoke to himself and told himself what a catch he must be and he now has a choice.

Keep strong. And if you are not ready to dump him (if he crawls back) at least give yourself time and don't respond immediately.

MulticolourMophead · 10/09/2020 11:35

@roadsurvey

Hes told me he needs space to be just him over the weekend away from ds & i.

He is fucking her.

Sad to say, OP, this is my thought too. He's going to meet her to decide which one of you he likes better.

If you stay with him, this is what your future will look like. You'll never be sure he won't cheat, will never be sure he's not open to offers.

If he really loved you, he'd have shut this person down straight away and you would never have known anything about it.

jewel1968 · 10/09/2020 11:35
  • Who the are not ate.
crimsonlake · 10/09/2020 11:36

Sorry I have to agree with the majority of posters on here.
If he really loved you and saw a future with you this woman's message would have had no impact on him. For the sake of your own future and as hard as it will be for you I think you should end it.

Roguesausage · 10/09/2020 11:37

Who the fuck goes all goggle eyed like this over a message from a random?

Is he generally childish? Does he Lie frequently? Because I'd wonder if this woman even existed. Either way it's emotionally abusive to you.

FortunesFave · 10/09/2020 11:39

Because you have a child, you have to dump this bastard now. He'll do it again and your child does not need to be in an insecure family.

Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:40

I should add shes a work colleague now 🤦‍♀️ i need to woman up & end it don't i

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:41

sorry didnt intentionally drip feed.
No hes not childish generally, he is being a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stealthynamechange · 10/09/2020 11:42

he has up until now treated me very well, with respect & kindness always.
I feel so stupid for having him in ds life.

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 10/09/2020 11:42

He would have cheated in the past?

So basically, he's planning to shag this woman and then come back to you and you can't complain that he's cheated as technically you were giving each other space.

I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of time for this nonsense. I can understand privately being a bit thrown by a message like that. And even having a moment where you think, "ooh, hang on, how do I feel". A normal person could process that without turning it into their partner's issue. Twat.

RandomMess · 10/09/2020 11:43

He wants you to end it so that he isn't the bad guy...

All about him and his image!!!

AluminumMonster · 10/09/2020 11:44

This should still be the honeymoon phase. If YOU decide to take him back I'm not sure things will feel the same.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 10/09/2020 11:44

Please give him permanent space and do NOT do the pick me dance. He's a wanker.

Trisolaris · 10/09/2020 11:44

So

  1. He wants points for being such an amazing guy because he hasn’t cheated on you this time although past him would have but actually isn’t so committed that he will instantly say no. (Hint this doesn’t make him a good guy!)
  1. He wants space, which is code for he wants to make sure this new girl is really a sure thing before he ends His relationship with you. Guys like this make sure they aren’t left with nothing so they don’t cut off ties before the new thing is secure.

Save yourself the bother, if he comes back it’s because the other woman realises he wasn’t that great anyway and you will just be waiting for the next time.

Lambster · 10/09/2020 11:48

You absolutely 100% need to tell him to do one!

This is not the normal behaviour of a man who is in love with and committed to you.

Honestly, the audacity of him! How dare he try to make you feel lucky to be told this self-serving bullshit.

Even if he comes to his senses(!) your relationship will never be the same again, you will always be worrying and on the back-foot.

Take control and tell him to fuck off, dump his stuff outside and block the wank-turd.

workhomesleeprepeat · 10/09/2020 11:50

Some random work colleague/student gets in touch saying she’s single and now he’s reconsidering his whole relationship with you?? Sounds like he was waiting around pretending to have a real thing with you and just waiting for her!! It’s just so mad to me that he’s ready to give up your whole relationship just like that. What an arsehole OP, he’s so so cruel. Please reconsider this relationship, he doesn’t care about your feelings at all Sad

Aposterhasnoname · 10/09/2020 11:50

Do not sit around and wait for him to decide, take control and dump him now. Yes it’s heartbreaking, but let him get away with this shit once and he’ll shit on you like this forever more.

Get angry, how fucking dare he hurt you (and your child, don’t forget he’s shitting on them too) for the sake of an ego boost. Who the fuck does he think he is.

RatherBeRiding · 10/09/2020 11:51

Yes you need to end it, especially as she's now working alongside him. He obviously cannot be trusted around her, and she cannot be trusted around him.

Don't settle for being the fall-back option!

JeSuisPrest · 10/09/2020 11:51

What an absolute shit he is.

I think the adage "If you hesitate between choosing me and someone else, don't choose me" comes into play here.

Will he forever expect you to be grateful if he picks you? It is heartbreaking, but if you have low self esteem now, it will be at floor level in 6 months time when you find yourself wondering on a daily basis what is going on at work with her.

He might care deeply about you in his own way, but he's not in love with you - he wouldn't even be entertaining the thought of "needing space" if he was. You deserve much better.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 10/09/2020 11:54

You know what you need to do.