Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

He's a porn addict.

Men can get over porn addictions and return to normal sex lives. The reality is that many don't because they simply aren't bothered to change the paradigm - they are quite happy with how things are. The ones that desperately want to fix things but struggle with an addiction that has crept up on them are few and far between.

The fact that he hasn't discussed it with you, acknowledged any sort of problem, done anything to 'make it up to you', or (for instance) spoken to his doctor if speaking to you was too embarrassing shows that he's either blissfully unaware of the impact on you (seems unlikely) or isn't fussed. Its nice that he's kind and caring in day to day life, but if this is important to you then you can't compromise on him being caring towards you in your sex life too.

You say he's lovely and kind, and those are great qualities. But if pp are right that he is addicted to porn, the words 'lovely and kind' do not describe what he's doing. He's watching women and girls being raped and tortured and getting off on it, to the point that he has no interest in actual sex with a real woman. That is desperately fucked up.

I don't know if he's a porn addict, or gay, or both, or neither. Ultimately you deserve to be in a proper relationship with someone who loves you and wants to be intimate with you, and this is not it.

I guess I feel like sex is just one part of a relationship

It's not possible for most people to put sex into a neat little compartment like that within a relationship. Sex should be a very powerful bonding exercise within a committed relationship. The kind of "sex" you are describing (I'm struggling to even view it as sex tbh, more just you being pumped away at and then watching him wank) is not going to result in bonding at all. Sex is a way to show our partner that we love them, and vice versa. There's isn't anything loving about what you describe. Feeling sexually desired by a partner bolsters our self esteem. Your self esteem is going to be ground away to nothing.

It's obviously making you unhappy, and not just at the actual moment you are having these sexual encounters. If it's making you feel unhappy and unfulfilled when you're not in the bedroom, then there's your proof that it can't just be "one part of a relationship" that doesn't affect anything else.

Do you really love him? After 8 months? 'Other stuff' will never make up for crap sex. Don't kid yourself.

Imo it doesn’t matter what the reason is, the fact that he has been more than willing to be in a relationship with you for 8 months whilst showing zero consideration for your sexual enjoyment is a complete deal breaker.

Don’t settle for a guy who doesn’t give a shit OP, I can’t even imagine giving no consideration to my partner, how could I ever enjoy it knowing that my partner wasn’t?

You don't have to choose between kindness and bedroom skill; people who have both do exist!!

I can't believe he hasn't touched or given you oral in 8 months. The screw faced, rigor mortis wanking would really put me off tbh 😂

@queenofknives

You say he's lovely and kind, and those are great qualities. But if pp are right that he is addicted to porn, the words 'lovely and kind' do not describe what he's doing. He's watching women and girls being raped and tortured and getting off on it, to the point that he has no interest in actual sex with a real woman. That is desperately fucked up.

I don't know if he's a porn addict, or gay, or both, or neither. Ultimately you deserve to be in a proper relationship with someone who loves you and wants to be intimate with you, and this is not it.

Hi queen of knives, your message just really shocked me, maybe I am incredibly naive! When others have said porn I wasn’t thinking this kind of porn - torture and rape! Is this what everyone’s thinking? I guess it would explain why ‘normal’ sex isn’t doing it for him

Porn. Walk away.

Bloody hell I'm a 60 year old innocent, never even heard of death grip and had to look it up. That would explain my ex husband (much younger than me) sexual problems. Was obsessed with sex and wanking but would go limp if he tried a condom. Ditch him. It will never get better OP.

My 'death Grip' partner watched porn, violent fisting of women held down. Once I saw it (by accident) on his lap top it fully explained why normal sex wasn't for him. He also turned away to masterbate. Urgh

@CarolBains I think often when women hear 'porn' we think of the sort of grimy magazines or soft focus shagging of days gone by. But mainstream porn these days is extremely brutal. Some of the most popular porn genres are things like choking with a penis until the woman cries/is sick, and also brutal rapes. Some women have been campaigning for years to try to get videos of them being raped taken down from pornhub. And some of them were underage when the rapes took place. It's all extremely grim and if your bf is watching that then I think that is very worrying. But would explain his desensitized and rigid sexual behaviour.

I think intimacy is really vital. It's not called 'making love' for nothing. You have to make it between you.

Bet his last relationship did not damage him, bet really she dumped him due to his porn addiction. I would not trust him at all.

Good sex alone won't make a relationship great
But bad sex sure as hell will ruin every other part of that relationship

Get yourself out of this. At 39 he should be well aware that sex is a 2 way street. If he's not aware of it and working aggressively towards change, you're in for a load of misery.

Anal, choking, restraint, multiple people, bdsm: all "mainstream" now, what you should expect your girlfriend to be up for normally according to porn.

Porn has changed a lot since the seventies. You won't find much normal sex depicted. The women are terrifyingly young looking too. They don't look like happy ladies as my auntie would have said.

I have had a look as I have teenagers and need to know what they are likely to be exposed to. It is grim.

I would say gay.

I had sex with a guy exactly like this.

On paper things seemed perfect. He seemed to want to be with me, heading into the right direction etc with the relationship...but this is exactly what the sex was like. There wasn’t even a decent first time though.

He wasn’t interested in any exploration of my body, it seemed like everything was to be endured to an end point of him cumming (which I wasn’t even sure he enjoyed that much!) and he just wasn’t there.It all felt so embarrassing and uncomfortable. No lusty honeymoon period either.

There were a few red flags around his attitude to sex-

1. Anything remotely sexual on tv (regular tv, not porn) and he’d scoff and say things like “as if!”....like he thought people never did these normal things from kissing passionately up against a wall to regular vanilla sexual activities like girl on top or the suggestion of oral...to be honest I think he thought handjobs were the norm and even PIV sex was unusual.

1. He thought spitting was a routine lubricant and had no idea that actual foreplay and arousal might create a natural alternative.

1. He seemed much, much more connected to his male friends than me and spoke to me in exclusively polite and civilised terms which made me feel quite “other” rather than someone he was intimately involved him.

I totally get the porn explanation other posters have suggested, but for me, this situation was about a man who’d been at an all boys school, couldn’t really relate to women, didn’t want to relate to women intimately because he was actually gay, was incredibly posh and conservative and couldn’t come out, and all his “experience” with women was based on extremely immature chat among boys who mainly relied on masturbation for sexual activity.

I have occasionally looked him up on fb to see if he has come out yet. He hasnt. In fact he’s married and had a child (how she managed to get pregnant, I don’t know) and looks dead behind his eyes in every picture. I feel sad for him. When I ended it with him, I suggested that he seemed to connect better with men, asked if he had considered that he might be gay as it seemed like a possibility to me. He paused and said “right...ok”. We said bye and that was that.

@CarolBains plenty of "normal" porn involves girls below legal age, women who are being forced or coerced into "performing", trafficked women and girls etc. Men like your "lovely and kind" boyfriend take absolutely no steps to ensure that the women they are watching are consenting or actually adults.

He doesn’t sound very loving and kind in the bedroom. It’s not just that he doesn’t seem to be getting off on you but, from what you’ve written, he doesn’t care at all about getting you off. He has sex with you, masturbates until he eventually gets off without even looking at you then that’s it. And he accuses you of being obsessed with “fanny”. Whatever his reasons for finding it difficult to come (and porn sounds most likely) he’s a bloody selfish lover. There’s no excuse for him not pleasuring you.

@CarolBains I don't think @queenofknives is referring to out of the ordinary porn per se. A hell of a lot of porn nowadays is women having dicks rammed into every orifice as they cry or have upturned eyes like they're proper loving it. When they're clearly not. It's not a coincidence that things like choking, anal, BDSM etc. are becoming more and more normalised.

I have to say I also immediately thought porn death grip when I read your OP. He needs to complete his therapy and admit he has a problem with sex before you settle down with him. You will ruin your life otherwise.

Kind and lovely but not in bed. That's a flatmate. Or your brother. Not a partner. Not a boyfriend.

OK, you've kissed plenty of frogs and this one is less slimy than the others. Still a toad. Sorry. Princes exist. You can find one. Not while licking a frog though.

The amount of time you've wasted on this utterly shit relationship is shocking. Raise your standards and get rid of this man.

@Flipflopfoodle

My 'death Grip' partner watched porn, violent fisting of women held down. Once I saw it (by accident) on his lap top it fully explained why normal sex wasn't for him. He also turned away to masterbate. Urgh

Oh god, I feel physically sick hearing this. Is this really what’s going on here!?!? I’ve just remembered, that first time we had sex (drunk) he asked me to bite him, but wanted me to do it harder and harder and harder (it seemed too hard?) the next day he had bruises and we were both a little weird about that. He put it down to been ‘excited’. Nothing like that happened again (one extreme to the other).

From everything you’ve all said it’s sounding like he’s maybe into some dark stuff - yet his personality wouldn’t suggest that! He’s like the kindest, loveliest person (massively questioning myself and naivety here)

Like you said about the toys, I've mentioned this incident on here before.

I had one who I handed my wand toy (after he had had his fill by wanking himself or something) and said 'here's my wand toy. You can use it on me if you like.'

He said 'Oh is that what it is? I thought it was a microphone' and put it back down the side of the bed.

There are some weird guys around. I did dump him after that night as we are soon dead and can't spend our time enduring this.

If he is kind and lovely why is he totally uninterested in you having sexual pleasure? That does not connect.

He sounds gay op!