Sex with my boyfriend - what is going on?!?

[CarolBains]

Boyfriend of 8 months. He’s 39, I’m 34. The first time we had sex it was great, then it wasn’t. No honeymoon, can’t keep our hands off eachother period. I always initiate it. We can go weeks without having sex, I’ve brought this up and he makes an effort. I don’t want him to make an effort, I want him to want it! To want me!

I always give him oral sex and touch him, he’s never returned the favour, never gone down on me, only once touched me with his fingers for like 20 seconds.

He can’t come from sex, he has to mastubate vigorously for agesssss or I do it for agesssss,
This feels rubbish at times when I put all this work in, it kills my arms! And he doesn’t so much as return the favour and I’m just left.

When we do this he holds his body really tense (it looks painful) and looks away from me or closes his eyes (I’d be nice if he was looking at me! Is he thinking of someone else?). He’s said before his insides have hurt - I’m not surprised, he’s so strained and ridged.

Take this morning, laid in bed, I initiate it by touching him, I use my mouth, use my hands 20 mins later he takes over, I touch myself abit, really hoping he’ll touch me - nope. He’s not even looking at me, his staring up at the ceiling, ridged, mastubating vigorously - he cums. That’s it. I’m horny and actually went in the bathroom and pleased myself.

Reading around it I think he has delayed ejaculation and can’t cum from sex, it’s rubbish but I can understand and this could be why he doesn’t initiate it, maybe he’s embarrassed.
But then I thought men were visual (sorry if I’m stereotyping!) so why doesn’t he look at me when he’s doing it? Or touch me? Like wouldn’t it be better to be having sex with me and seeing me than touching himself and looking away - Do I just not do it for him? Is he gay? Is that why he doesn’t go down on me, touch me or look at me?

I’ve joked about it and he’s said I like fanny too much - lovely choice of words - but seriously could have fooled me!

What is going on? Any thoughts? How would you even bring this up? Like, I don’t want to tell someone to look at me or have sex with me I want him to want that and he doesn’t?!

He sounds really manipulative. I know it seems hard right now but I think once you have got some space you will start to feel very differently. No one is perfect but that doesn't mean it's okay to be treated so horribly.

@ChavvySexPond

I never understand why men who watch so much porn are so bad at sex. Isn't it supposed to be educational?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It educates them into not caring about women's pleasure and getting a death grip.

Hmm I'm on the fence about how fast he has arranged this counselling
And even so, he's looking at being in therapy long term for his issues

He needs face to face in the room integrative therapy, not over the phone
Or even a sex therapist, they are quite rare and expensive
If after 10 yrs he's not committed to sorting himself out, then this is not
a priority for him, and neither has any female been whilst with him

I've been in this exact situation OP. Turns out he was gay but was afraid to come out as he had a religious family.

I never understand why men who watch so much porn are so bad at sex. Isn't it supposed to be educational?

Where in earth would you get the idea that porn is supposed to be educational?

It's an industry with the "product"
soldnti the consumer being arousal, titillation and orgasm.

Most men watch it as a visual masturbatory aid, end of story.

The videos most watched on sites are what people are most aroused and entertained by (and some shock value) so more like that are made.

At the moment the mostly male watchers or porn appear to be most aroused and entertained by anal sex, deep throat blow jobs, "step family" sex (is step sister, brother, mother, dad), teenage "barely legal" girl sex, "milf sex", threesomes, gangbangs, "point of view" sex (Inc blow jobs), and ubiquitous sharp slapping of women's breasts and buttocks. There's lot of fetish stuff too of course.

The oral.sex on women, if it happens at all, is a few seconds long and often seems to involve the guy treating the clitoris and labia like they're chewing gum or something.

So no .. not really.

If after 10 yrs he's not committed to sorting himself out, then this is not
a priority for him, and neither has any female been whilst with him

Yup, he must have known his ex was unhappy about his issues long before she gave up totally and left; but he's done nothing that had changed anything. He shouldn't have gotten into another relationship, it's really unfair on the person he's getting involved with. That's very selfish ... Like his sexual technique (or lack of) incidentally.

Op, re him doing nice things and checking many check boxes ... One thing someone else said on here once that struck me is that people who are dysfunctional, abusive,lacking etc. compensate by doing that.

They know they're inflicting stuff on you that is shit, they think that if they're (apparently) super nice and make effort in other areas that it will keep you there.

It may not even be totally conscious/intentional, but the reason they are so (apparently) good in some ways is because they're shit in other ways (and they know it). It's not a natural, as it were niceness. It's a counter balance, a hook.

Where in earth would you get the idea that porn is supposed to be educational?
indeed, I see it as akin to fast food, designed to hyper-arouse, to trigger a feeding frenzy and addict the consumer

Porn is educational.

Fighting skills can be learned by watching Marvel movies.

Want to learn how to be a great driver? Watch all the Fast and Furious films.

Op, re him doing nice things and checking many check boxes ... One thing someone else said on here once that struck me is that people who are dysfunctional, abusive,lacking etc. compensate by doing that.

This is absolutely true. Though I'd give it another name - grooming. God that comment really struck a chrord with me when I think about men I work with (clients - I am a sw)

Did you tell him as well as the terrible sex, the problem is he doesn't want children and you do, so you can't waste more time on him?

Educational - Multiple men have told me that's where men learn about sex.

Not my man. We learned together. "On the job" as it were.

@ChavvySexPond I get what you're saying but that still doesn't make it a good education. Porn is all catered towards male pleasure, guys learn about what guys want. They don't learn anything about female sexuality or female pleasure. A good education is well-rounded and a bad one is one-sided.
Men don't need porn to learn how to have sex. Humans have been around to millennia and somehow instinctively knew how to bump uglies well before VHS and Betamax were invented.

I think you've been really brave OP. The thing to remember is, even if he's got death grip/is gay/asexual whatever, even if he 'works on it' in the back of your mind you'll know he didn't really WANT to rip your clothes off, didn't really WANT to make an effort to give you a good experience and is only doing it because you asked him to, and that's so bad for your self esteem and confidence. Once Pandora's box is opened and you've had to ask for something like this, even when you get it it's tainted. X

@CurtainsforRonnie

He has said he’d like to film me giving him oral sex (quite the surprise)

Then he can post it on Reddit, where all the other men can rate it. No thanks.

*other rate my girlfriend sites are available.

No bloody way do this! Porn. Death grip. Not into you —or women?—

Looking back on previous partners I can guess which ones learned about sex from porn and it wasn't the majority by any stretch!!!

He has said he’d like to film me giving him oral sex

OP, what ever else happens do not let him do this. He could share that video anywhere

I thought about grooming too and the general Modus operandi of paedophiles, they make it so the sex acts are all a bit weird and embarrassing, the child isn't really sure what's going on but they comply because the abuser is so lovely to them the rest of the time
I think he knows exactly what he's doing, it's all a game to him he's trying to see if he can get what he wants without you realising that he's taking the piss

OP there’s no reason why you can stay in touch with him but get some decent sex elsewhere. He’s obviously a damaged creature and hopefully he’s counselling will help him and maybe he can look for someone in the future with a low sex drive. I know there are online dating sites where you can pick asexual or similar. Don’t worry about him too much. Concentrate on yourself. Get back on the dating sites and start dating again. I know Coronavirus doesn’t make this as easy as it once was but you can still meet for an outdoor coffee or go for a walk with a potential date.

Please don't make your decisions about whether to end your relationship based on an anonymous chat forum. People can sometimes deserve second chances especially if they are committed to doing hard work on themselves through therapy. However no one here is going to be able to know whether this guy is as they don't know him and they don't know you. So yes it's good to hear people's opinions and get advice but please make sure you are the one to make decisions about your life, not Mumsnet. Sending hugs

Would you want to be together with a man who never touches you but wants to film you giving him oral, mswales?

@TheChampagneGalop

Would you want to be together with a man who never touches you but wants to film you giving him oral, mswales?

That's not relevant to my comment. I'm not saying she should stay with him. I'm saying she should be the one who decides whether or not she stays with him.

Luckily, you can stand down. I've seldom seen posters act on advice here- they generally post because they know themselves something is wrong.